


I'm Broken (A Coming of Age Story)

by pherryt



Series: Broken [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Mature rating is more for the abuse and themes of the story), (Seriously thats as explicit as this fic gets), (not by Cas or Dean), (sorry), Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Bi!Dean, Character Death, Cheating, Coming Out, Coming of Age, F/M, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Funeral, Hand Job, Hurt/Comfort, Jimmy's in a Coma, Lots of Angst, M/M, Michael is in ass, NSFB, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, ace!cas, brief underage relationship (But really on the cusp), changing pronouns, dubcon, jimmy and cas are twins, mention of past suicidal thoughts (not by main characters), traumatic memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-23 04:23:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 63,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10712109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pherryt/pseuds/pherryt
Summary: "Castiel Novak was 16 years old, and he'd never been kissed. Or, for that matter, had he been the one doing the kissing. Point was…well. That kind of was the point. And normally, it wasn't a state of affairs he would have been much concerned with. Except that everyone else was."Castiel spends years of his life believing something is wrong with him, that something fundamental inside of him is broken beyond repair. As he gets older and goes away to college with his best friend Hannah - who struggles with her own identity right alongside of him - he discovers there’s so much more out there he’d never dreamed of...so much that makes everything make a hell of a lot more sense to him now.He dares to hope that he can finally feel comfortable with himself...





	1. April

**Author's Note:**

> THANKS:  
> A thank you to my beta: [Unforth (A03)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Unforth/pseuds/Unforth) /[ unforth-ninawaters (tumblr)](http://unforth-ninawaters.tumblr.com/) and to my artist lotrspnfangirl: [ AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lotrspnfangirl/pseuds/lotrspnfangirl) or [ tumblr ](https://lotrspnfangirl.tumblr.com/) (and i mean a REALLY HUGE thank you for both of you! You were both amazing and patient and not enough words to say thanks!)
> 
> Unforth gave me great feedback and not only Beta edits but Alpha edits (pushing and asking the right questions for me to expand a scene, explaining the reasoning behind different suggestions she made for grammar etc - I learned a lot from her. I hope it shows!) and lotrspnfangirl really went above and beyond with the sheer amount of graphics she made for me is phenomenal (One of my faves is in chapter 5 - be sure to drop by and like and comment on her [ Art Masterpost!!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10728726) She deserves it :D ).
> 
> BEHIND THE STORY:  
> This story was an accident. Something my best friend had said to me that really, really bothered me. When I pointed it out, she quickly corrected herself but...it stuck in my head and wouldn't go away.
> 
> Within the last couple of years, I've discovered so much thanks to tumblr and fanfic that I had never heard of before. What Cas feels here? I have felt often. Discovering that Asexuality was a thing was an eye opener for me and makes so much sense. 
> 
> NOTES ON TAGS:  
> (edit for clarity) - I may have overtagged but Unforth's advice was 'better safe than sorry'.  
> Almost all of the 'bad tags' are in one spot in chapter 3, which can be easily skipped - I've got it bordered by the A03 header lines. 
> 
> Specific:  
>  **Underage** \- not really? I mean, story starts when Cas is 16 but the people are close to him in age and nothing more than kissing even happens till chapter 3 where he wouldn't be underage anymore (though I don't make a specific reference to his age) so i'm actually wondering if I should take this off? (Mostly, this refers to the scene in chapter 3 which is a memory and is the one set up for skipping)
> 
>  **Rape/non con and dub/con** Outside of the one easily skipped area (which even itself is not explicit), it's closer to dub/con and involves kissing. 
> 
> **MCD** I took this off the main warning because I already have a Character Death tag - I can assure you it's not Dean or Cas. I don't know if the character should be classified as Major or not. 
> 
> **Missing tags?** If theres something you think needs tags, please go ahead. A good number of my 'bad' tags are for things that only happen once, and are easily skipped or just verge on something.

“Do you think there's something wrong with me?" Castiel asked. Hannah paused; her pencil stopped scratching over her math homework as she stared up at Castiel, who had his English textbook laid out before him. His eyes were cast down on the book, but he didn’t see it.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just that…at our age, shouldn't we  _ want _ what the other kids want? Shouldn't we have at least  _ kissed _ someone by now? Or, even wanted to try?"

"I don't think so. Not everyone matures at the same rate."

"Are you saying I'm not mature?" he huffed in amusement, thinking of his brother Gabriel. Castiel was positive he was more mature than Gabriel.

"There are different levels of maturity, Castiel," she pointed out, and he nodded. 

Castiel Novak was 16 years old and he'd never been kissed. Nor, for that matter, had he been the one doing the kissing. Point was…well. That  _ was _ the point. And normally, it wasn't a state of affairs he would have been much concerned with. Except that everyone else  _ was. _

Well, in a general sense, anyway. No one was making a big deal about whether or not  _ he  _ had kissed anyone, but all anyone at their high school was concerned about was dating and sex, instead of their studies. Even though no one said anything to him – or to Hannah for that matter - they heard plenty of their classmates get blasted for what others saw as a lack of experience.

He and Hannah would sit quietly at lunch and watch the dynamics of the other students playing out. The couples and their kissing, all the boasting. The seemingly inevitable falling outs. The rumors that somehow always made their way around the school. When they got together after school for homework, in the privacy of their homes, occasionally - like today - they would discuss it.

Neither of them got it. Neither of them was interested in anyone at their school. Oh sure, there were plenty of students who were aesthetically pleasing, but Castiel's reasoning was that as a would-be artist, it was of course something he would notice. None of them drew his attention and made him think "I want to date that person." And certainly not to the exclusion of everything else in his life. There wasn't anyone at his school that was the right fit, no one in his school who tempted him. Not that anyone at his school even noticed him or Hannah, usually, other than their teachers.

Castiel supposed he should count himself lucky. High school was rarely either the enjoyable or the horrific extremes he saw portrayed in media and movies; it was a chore to get done and over with, a stepping stone to bigger and better things, better schools and better teachers. He couldn't wait to go to college, to be around other students who actually  _ wanted  _ to be there. It was sure to be a more enjoyable experience.

Neither he nor his best friend were bullied, even though they were among the school’s outcasts. They were quiet, bookish - one might even say nerdy - and stuck with each other as they had since they’d met in elementary school. But aside from the occasional teasing, they were left alone for the most part.

Knowing that both Castiel and Hannah were self-sufficient, their parents didn't often bother them as long as their grades were decent, preferring to focus on the problem siblings in their families. Hannah’s only sister Hester, was not just a pest, but also petty. She loved to steal or destroy things and cast the blame on other people, Hannah being her favorite target. Castiel had enough siblings that giving each of them enough attention was chore enough. Gabriel was especially trying, though he didn’t act out like Hester did, and Castiel’s youngest brother Samandriel struggled at school. At least Castiel’s oldest brother Michael had moved out, so their mother wasn’t constantly running interference between Michael and Gabriel, or Michael and Castiel. Anna did all right, despite being the only girl in a family of boys, so she also didn’t need much support. And Jimmy was…

Castiel preferred not to think about Jimmy.

So, they were largely left alone at home and at school. Neither Castiel nor Hannah’s grades were high enough to cause them to become the target of jealous students. By and large, they coasted through high school unnoticed and unscathed. For the most part, Castiel was happy, though he sometimes wondered what it would be like to be as sociable as his classmates. Hannah told him not to worry about it. They'd graduate in a year and a half and probably wouldn't see most of these people ever again. What did any of it - their social standing, their love life (or lack thereof) - matter when they’d be gone soon? But he couldn't stop himself from worrying, despite Hannah's assurances.

The conversation with Hannah might have satisfied him if his brothers hadn't started pestering him about  _ everything _ to do with dating and his lack of experience. This eventually led, later that month, to his attending a family gathering with his cousin Lucifer, who had also invited a few of his friends. Castiel was baffled by the idea that he could have brought a friend to a family party. If he'd known that was acceptable, he would have asked if Hannah could come. She would have made a great buffer between him and Lucifer.

Instead, as usual, he was forced to attempt to make nice with his cousin and their family friends as his mother requested, rather than retreating to a corner of the house by himself, as he would have preferred.

This time didn't go as badly as many of his family’s past gatherings had. About halfway through the party, he found himself sitting near a pretty girl named April who was only a few months older than he. She was friendly, and agreed with Castiel that the house was too noisy and crowded, so they left so they could talk.

It turned out he and April had a lot in common. And when Castiel mentioned the colleges he was planning on applying to, she squealed in excitement.

“Oh my God! You’re an artist? Can you design a tattoo for me? I’ve always wanted one,” she gushed.

He flushed in embarrassment. “I’ve never, uh, done something like that before. I suppose I can try? What do you like?”

April hummed before answering, “I was thinking a heart, or maybe a butterfly – oh, I know! I can get both! A butterfly hovering over a heart – won’t that be nice?”

“Um, sure. Where do you think you would put it?” At least it was a simple concept and shouldn’t be hard to design.

“I haven’t decided yet.” April looked at him slyly, “But a friend of mine said she got hers on her ass. Maybe I’ll do that. Then only  _ really special _ people will get to see it.”

All Castiel could do was blink at her statement. Why would someone want a tattoo on their ass? He shook his head. Just because he wouldn’t want that, who was he to judge?

April chattered on happily, their conversation flitting about and never solidly staying to one subject or another, but always engaging.

By the time he returned from their walk, it was time to go. His mother was both pleased and impatient so he and April exchanged phone numbers and tentatively made plans to hang out. He thought it might even qualify as going on a date. He wasn't sure; he'd never gone on one before. But even if he was wrong, April seemed like she could be a really good friend.

They decided to meet up again to see a movie about a week after they met - a comedy preferably, he was thinking something like  _ Despicable Me _ and thankfully, it was a film they were able to agree on - but as neither of them had a license, Castiel was left with the unenviable necessity of asking his older brother Gabriel for a lift, which somehow turned into a family outing as Gabriel happily dragged their siblings, Samandriel and Anna, to accompany Castiel and April out on their 'date.'

Castiel frowned. Didn't having his brothers and sister along defeat the purpose of a date? He mentally shrugged since April didn't seem to mind and the movie was good. He was so confused. Maybe they  _ weren't _ on a date? Regardless, he tried to sit as far away from his siblings as possible. Unfortunately, the theater was crowded and they wound up only two rows apart, much to Castiel's dismay and annoyance, as they threw popcorn off the back of his head throughout the movie. He scowled but April giggled at his siblings’ antics.

He still wasn't getting anything other than a ‘friend’ vibe from her, but he didn’t mind. Of course, now Gabriel was going around making kissy faces and asking when the wedding was going to be. Naomi gushed over the fact that he was "- _dating!_ Oh my sweet darling! You're growing up so fast!" and the next thing he knew, April had been invited over for the family New Year's celebration.

The younger siblings (and the cousins) took over the den while the adults stayed upstairs in the kitchen and living room. Castiel made sure to get to the TV first so he and April could indulge in their love of cheesy movies together. It was one of the many things they had in common, though they had to fight with Gabriel throughout the night as he attempted to steal the remote back and change the station to the  _ Food Network _ . Thankfully, the rest of their brothers and their sister were too busy playing games at the card table with their cousins to join in on Gabriel's taunting. Castiel was sure Gabriel was antagonizing them on purpose since he had long since been banned from trying to cook.

As midnight approached, April took him aside, crowding Castiel into a darkened corner behind one of the two doors out of the den. His back hit the wall with a thud; surprised, he started. He hadn't realized he'd been backing up as she advanced. His stomach twisted nervously as she invaded his personal space.

"Are you excited?"

"About what?"

"About midnight, silly." She beamed up at him as he tilted his head in confusion.

"I…I don't understand. It's just a countdown. I never understood all the fuss. Am I…missing something?"

"Didn't you know? It's tradition for people to  _ kiss _ at midnight."

"Oh?" He swallowed. "Uh…I…um…I've…never kissed anyone." He flushed red as he admitted it and her eyes widened, a gasp escaping her.

"Really? You've never kissed at  _ all _ ?" she exclaimed. He nodded, closing his eyes. "So no French kiss? Not even a peck on the lips? Never…" She trailed off as he shook his head, eyes still closed, his face even redder, the heat of his flush noticeable in his embarrassment.  _ Great, now she knows how different I am and she won’t want to hang out with me any- _

"That's okay. I'll teach you." He opened his eyes as his train of thought completely derailed.

" _ What _ ?" 

She nodded at him and he felt relieved that his inexperience hadn't driven away a potential friend. In the other room, the adults started chanting a countdown and he went from relieved to nervous in under a second. He gulped as he looked down at her. She crowded closer and reached her hands up to cup his cheeks and pull him down.

"You'll want to open your mouth a little," she whispered. At the enthusiastic shout of “ONE!”, his stomach twisted and he hesitantly leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers, parting his lips as she'd instructed. He almost recoiled as he felt her tongue slip inside his mouth. He held still as he tried to imitate what she did but he felt uncoordinated and…and  _ stupid. _

Finally she drew away with a smile and he was at first relieved that it was done and then anxious all over again. The kiss hadn't…hadn't  _ done  _ a damn thing. He hadn’t felt anything! He didn't understand what all the fuss was about. There  _ was  _ something wrong with him! The sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach intensified.

She acted like nothing had changed but he knew it was only a matter of time before it came out that their kiss hadn't meant anything to him. Surely she’d know that he hadn't felt anything, not a frisson of excitement or arousal or  _ anything _ , and then she'd be offended that he hadn't found her attractive enough. Gabriel always said that  _ he _ could tell how ‘into him’ his partner was just from a kiss. Then again, that was Gabriel.

Yet April acted no different than she had been acting all night. She still sat close with him on the couch as they watched an old Godzilla flicks. She teased his family mercilessly as the others attempted to wrestle control of the TV back from Castiel and April (they had hidden the remote - Castiel was amazed that Gabriel hadn’t found it yet). Castiel felt like he was ready to jump out of his own skin every time she touched him, but he didn’t see any change in her behavior.

Within the hour, the 'night' officially ended. Castiel was relieved when April left with his cousins, taking the apparently one-sided awkwardness with her. Before his brothers or Anna could quiz him, he hurried to his room, shut the door, and locked it for good measure. Were Michael around he might respect Castiel’s space, Samandriel certainly would, but Gabriel couldn't be trusted not to barge in.

Pulling out his phone, Castiel debated texting Hannah. Her family didn't celebrate New Year's, so she probably wasn't awake. It was times like these he really wished Jimmy was around. With a sigh, he put his phone down and rolled over on the bed, pulled the blankets over his head, waited for sleep to claim him, and tried  _ not _ to think about what had happened and how awful he felt about...about, well,  _ all _ of it. The awkward kiss and his reaction to it, and his worries about how April would feel if she knew he hadn’t been into the kiss. He groaned and pushed it out of his mind as best as he could.

When Castiel woke the next day, he was anxious to talk to Hannah. He knew she wouldn’t make light of the situation, but when he texted her, there was no answer. Frowning, he walked to her house. It was only as he stood in the empty driveway that he remembered that they were on a family vacation. But that didn’t explain why hadn’t she answered her phone. Had something happened to her?

As worried as Castiel was, he was unable to find out anything more because by the time Hannah and her family returned, Castiel had fallen ill and he was out of school for almost two weeks and she  _ still  _ hadn’t answered any of his texts. He was sick enough that he missed his family’s monthly visit to see his brother in the hospice and his mother wouldn't let anyone visit Castiel, either, lest he prove contagious. As such, Castiel didn't get the chance to talk to Hannah until over four weeks later. He spent those weeks frustrated, thoughts of April and the kiss they had shared swimming through his head. Already miserable because he was sick, thinking about their kiss only made him feel worse.

Before he fell sick, he had attempted to contact April, even though his stomach was a tangle of knots. The phone call had been...less than stellar. She’d seemed distracted before she had blurted out that she had to go and hung up. And that had been that. Maybe April had finally figured out that he’d not enjoyed their kiss and now she was mad at him. But what about their friendship? Wasn’t that worth anything?

When he finally returned to school, he was still pale and weak, with dark circles under his eyes. No one except his teachers or Hannah seemed to have missed him, but he hadn’t expected anyone else to. When he joined Hannah at the lunch table, she smiled but then paused and took a good look at him, her eyes widening.

"Are you alright, Castiel? You don't look so good." Hannah’s expression was concerned, her voice soft.

"I'm fine, Hannah,” Castiel explained. “I couldn't stay cooped up at home any longer. Mom was smothering me." Hannah hummed understandingly. Naomi had a protective streak of her children, especially after…

"How's Jimmy?" asked Hannah hesitantly. Castiel closed his eyes. He’d gone to see Jimmy before he’d gotten sick, before the holidays. Things were, as always, unchanged as Castiel stared down at his brother, a lump in his throat. Jimmy was so pale, so still, nothing like the active child he’d been. His hair was combed back neatly. Jimmy would have hated it.  Before the accident, even Gabriel hadn’t been able keep up with Jimmy. Seeing him trapped in a bed never stopped hurting.

"He's…the same. But thanks for asking." Castiel forced his eyes open, gave her a wan smile, and she nodded. Hannah was the only one of their classmates who remembered that Castiel had a twin brother. Jimmy had been in a coma for the last 6 years and Castiel despaired of ever being able to talk with him again. He knew his mother lamented what had happened to Jimmy too, and so Castiel couldn't fault her for being overprotective of the rest of her children – it was why he still didn't have a permit, much less a driver’s license– but it was still so _ constricting _ .

"I tried to text you," he said into the awkward silence after a few minutes, taking a huge bite of the sandwich he'd brought from home. Peanut butter and jelly. He supposed it was a childish sort of lunch, but he took comfort from it.

"My phone broke, and my parents refuse to replace it. It's not fair. I'm being punished for someone else's actions." She glared down at her lunch and he was mildly surprised when it didn't burst into flames, her expression was so fierce.

"Hester?" He didn't need to ask, but he did anyway and she sighed and nodded.

"Hester,” she said flatly, affirming his not-quite-a-guess. "What about you and April? You said she was coming over for New Year's, right? How'd that go? And what school does she go to again?"

"I don't remember. Not around here though. And, um…" He hesitated, putting his sandwich down as it suddenly lost all flavor.

"Castiel, what happened?"

"Can we not talk about it here?" he pleaded. 

"I'll meet you after school,” she agreed with a nod. “My place or yours?" 

Castiel shuddered. "Dear God, not mine. I need a break from mom." She smiled and agreed but Castiel couldn't finish his lunch anyway, even though Hannah and he switched to happier topics, talking about her vacation instead. When the final bell rang, Hannah met him at his locker and the two walked back to her house. He hoped her sister wouldn't be there. The possibility of meeting Hester was the one downside to visiting Hannah's house. Normally they would have gone to Castiel’s home, but he truly couldn't take being around Naomi any longer.

They settled in her room, closing the door to keep their conversation private in case anyone came home early - thankfully, Hester wasn’t there, but she might return at any moment. They took out their homework but they weren’t ready to start working on it. Hannah sat on her bed as Castiel dropped to the floor and leaned against the wall, book propped on his raised knees.

"Okay, what happened?" Hannah broke the silence.

"Well…we, um, we kissed. On New Year's." Castiel fidgeted nervously, picking at the pages of his book.

"What was it like?" She asked, only mildly curious.

"Wet. And…I think I need practice? It didn't…really...seem like much? I must have done something wrong. I called a few days later but she rushed off the phone. I've texted a couple times since but there hasn't been an answer so I stopped. I haven't heard from her since. I must have been awful. But still...I thought, even if it didn't work out, we got along really well. Couldn't we be friends?"

"Not that I have much experience myself, but from what I've seen at school, exes don’t normally part on good enough terms to stay friends."

"That's dumb, nor would it apply since we weren’t dating. We’re not exes." Castiel countered.

Hannah opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by Castiel’s phone ringing. It startled them both and Castiel jumped, his books sliding to the floor, and patted down his pants and slipped a hand into his pocket. Pulling his phone out, he frowned at the caller ID.

"It's Lucifer," he said, puzzled.

"Your cousin?" she asked. Castiel nodded and slid his thumb across the face of the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Cassie!" His eyes narrowed at Lucifer's tone. It was the " _ I have gossip _ " tone. Past experience told Castiel that Lucifer didn’t care if his gossip was hurtful; he’d talk happily about anyone regardless. 

"Don't call me that." Castiel huffed in exasperation.

"Yeah, sure, Cassie.” Lucifer never cared about Castiel’s preferences. “So, I thought you should know that I  _ did _ let April know you were really,  _ really  _ sick the last few weeks." This time Lucifer’s tone was clearer, almost gleeful, though he tried to hide it with sympathy. Castiel was suspicious instantly.

"O...kay?"

"Just thought you'd want to know that she didn't seem to care much. Just shrugged and said, 'Oh well.' I mentioned she might want to visit you and she said 'What for?' So…what'd you do to piss her off?" 

Castiel’s stomach sank _. _

_ So I did do something wrong. Was she never interested in being my friend? Was dating and eventually sex all she wanted? And when I couldn't measure up, she just dropped me? _

"I have no idea," Castiel said shortly. "I have to go, Lucifer. I'm busy."

"All right Cassie, I'll keep you updated." 

If Castiel closed his eyes, he could almost see his cousin’s maniacal smile and he shuddered even as he hung up. He’d detested Lucifer since Castiel had caught him torturing a poor cat when they were younger.

Hannah waited a few moments for Castiel compose himself. Finally, she asked, "What happened?" 

"Well, Lucifer just confirmed that April couldn't care less about me as a friend. So I guess that backfired." 

"It's alright, Castiel,” Hannah said brightly. “There are other fish in the sea." He shook his head as they returned back to their homework, but he couldn't stop wondering whether there was something wrong with him.

Castiel felt even more broken when his mother’s favorite brother died and all he felt was intense relief. Everyone around him was grieving, but Uncle Zach had always made Castiel uneasy.

Castiel dreaded each wake. People assumed he was grieving and kept pulling him into hugs that lasted too long for his comfort. He was unwilling to pull away from the awkwardness because he didn’t want to belittle their grief or their attempts to comfort. He spent most of his time at the funeral parlor sitting in a corner, or out in the hall, trying to hide from the crowd.

Zachariah was buried in the same graveyard as Castiel’s father, Chuck, though Zachariah wasn’t related to Chuck’s side of the family. Julian, Castiel’s paternal grandfather, was the graveyard caretaker and he said a few words over Zachariah, all the usual platitudes Castiel had stopped believing in years before. The religion his father, Chuck, had believed so strongly in no longer brought Castiel any comfort.

Michael, of course, had something to say about Castiel’s lack of emotion. When it came to Castiel, he  _ always  _ had something unkind to say. Memories of their argument at Castiel’s father’s funeral were part of why Castiel hid throughout Zach’s. Unfortunately, Michael had other ideas. He waited until most of the well-meaning friends had attendees had gone, leaving only family in the house to witness his tirade against Castiel.

“Are you some kind of an  _ alien _ ?” Michael's lips curled into a sneer as he blocked Castiel’s escape route. 

“What?” After the fight at his father’s funeral, Castiel had expected Michael to treat him poorly now that Uncle Zach was dead, but he hadn’t thought Michael would make a public scene.

“Don’t you care about  _ anyone  _ other than yourself?” hissed Michael. “You didn’t even mourn  _ Dad _ properly – you’re more concerned with Jimmy, who isn’t even dead!”

“How dare you?” Castiel seethed, his hands clenching into fists. “You don’t know the depth of my feelings! Just because I don’t choose to make a spectacle of myself!” There was no need for Castiel to admit that in Uncle Zach’s case, Michael was right, and Castiel truly didn’t care.

“Our grief is not a ‘spectacle,’ you disrespectful little – ” Michael started, but Naomi’s voice cut him off, sharp and angry.

“Michael! This is neither the time nor the place.” Their mother paused, her voice gentling, “Not everyone grieves in the same way. Your brother has always been more reserved than, say, Gabriel.” Michael snorted and rolled his eyes. Naomi narrowed hers but continued. “At such times, a family needs pull together, not tear each other apart. Your behavior is unacceptable.  _ You _ need to show the proper respect.”

She turned and the brothers stood silently, watching her retreat, her heels clicking against the floor. Reluctantly, they glanced at each other – Castiel wary, Michael still glaring, his lips pressed tightly together. Then he, too, turned, and stalked away. Castiel watched Michael go, willing his fists to unclench. He startled when an arm fell across his shoulders.

“What an ass. I have no idea why mom didn’t slap him in the face,” Gabriel said. He patted Castiel on the back. “Don’t take what he said to heart, ‘kay li’l bro? You listen to mom instead.”

Castiel carefully looked around to make sure no one else was in earshot before he responded to Gabriel. “It’s just…I’m not sure he’s wrong, Gabe.”

“What do you mean?” Gabriel tried to catch Castiel’s eye as the younger teen shrugged.

“What  _ is _ wrong with me?  _ Why  _ I didn’t cry at dad’s funeral? Or…or today, at Uncle Zach’s?” The name left a bitter taste in Castiel’s mouth. Castiel pulled his attention back to Gabriel.

“Yeah, well, I hate to say it, because I know mom loved him, but I didn’t really like Uncle Zach either. He always looked at me funny. Gave me the heebie jeebies.” Gabriel shivered exaggeratingly and managed to get a small smile from Castiel.

Castiel felt better to hear that, but…the smile faded “What about Dad?” he asked quietly.

“Cassie, you were a kid. Dad did a shit job of connecting with anyone under 16. Not that he was much better with folks older than that…but…” Gabriel shrugged and continued. “He wasn’t around much either, and when he was, he was always pushing his religious agenda. Don’t know about you, but that used to bug the hell outta me. And you  _ did  _ mourn, just not for Dad. Frankly, Jimmy meant more to this family than Dad did,” Gabriel said, grabbing Castiel in tight a hug. “Don’t let Michael get to you, okay? Being different isn’t bad. Being an asshole, on the other hand…well, not sure there’s a cure for that.”

Castiel snorted a laugh and Gabriel grinned. Dropping his arms, he took a bow and said, “Now I must be off, as it looks like my work here is done. I need to spread my cheer on this oh-so-somber occasion!”

With a sigh, Castiel watched him head towards a group of cousins talking by the food table. Gabriel was good at socializing. Castiel could have faked sympathy, but he would rather be alone than pretend he’d ever liked Uncle Zach. He slipped away when no one was looking his way and escaped outside despite the cold. He was glad when the funerals were over.

Valentine’s Day was soon after the funeral and Castiel briefly entertained the idea of doing something for April. He hadn't heard from her in months and whatever they might have been was moot now. Lucifer still called him up to gleefully expound on how April had given Valentine’s cards to every cute boy in school (including him) and Castiel rolled his eyes at Lucifer’s pointless attempts to stir drama.

Once the holiday passed, Castiel finally managed to put April out of his mind, and with her most of his doubts about himself, long before the next family gathering in early May. 

Of course, April was there.

It had been more than four months since they'd seen each other last. At his mother's request, Castiel was still trying to get along with Lucifer, so he had no choice but to hang out with April too.

She acted like nothing had happened.

She greeted him cheerfully, slung her arms around one of his and tried to snuggle up against him as they sat in Lucifer’s room. Castiel was stiff as a board and immensely confused. What, exactly, was going on?

Every time another of Lucifer’s friends arrived, April introduced Castiel as her boyfriend. He tried to question her with a look, not wanting to make her appear foolish in front of her friends by correcting her, but she was either ignoring him or didn't catch his discouraging expression. The day was agony as he waited for a chance to get April alone so they could talk.

Finally,  _ finally _ , they had a moment to themselves. She smiled at him happily and his gut churned. He  _ had  _ to confront her. He took a breath.

"April, I don't understand. Why are you telling everyone I'm your boyfriend?"

"Cause you are," she beamed. 

"But we haven't even spoken in months,” he said. He felt horribly guilty even though he didn't think he’d done anything wrong. “And shouldn't one of us have actually  _ asked _ the other out? That…is how it works, isn't it?"

"What are you saying?" April’s asked, her face blank, making Castiel flounder, unsure of how to proceed. Did she truly not understand, or was she mad and trying to hide it? With no social cues to go on, he forged ahead and nourished the small hope that she wouldn’t react badly.

"I'm saying we're not dating, April. I mean, maybe we could have reached that point but we hadn't progressed to  _ dating _ dating and…I don’t think I'm wrong...if we cared about each other, shouldn't we have made an effort to see or talk to each other at all these past four months?" He didn't mention that he  _ had  _ made an effort, since he wasn't interested in dating her anyway. He’d hoped to salvage their friendship, but he was certain he was torpedoing that possibility with this conversation.

"Does this mean…are you breaking up with me?" She looked at him uncomprehendingly and he sighed, rubbing at his forehead with his right hand.

"I'm saying we were never together to begin with, and I don't think we should try to be either. To be honest, I don't think I'm boyfriend material. And you don’t seem like you're interested in anything other than that."

"Oh." Her face had finally broken from its blank, uncomprehending mask to show the shock underneath. Tears pooled in her eyes but didn’t fall.

"I'm sorry, April."  _ God dammit _ . Castiel wasn't in the wrong here! But if that was true, then why did he feel like he  _ was _ as she stared at him, clearly upset?

"Castiel!" Naomi called to him and he turned toward the sound of her voice, taking a step that way before stopping to look back at April.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go. Are you going to be alright?" His question seemed to snap her out of her daze and she pasted a big grin on her face despite the wetness of her eyes. He almost flinched at how fake her smile was.

"Oh, yeah, sure, I'm fine! Go on! Don't want your mother hunting you down, right?" He hesitated another few seconds and then nodded, walking away only after he tried to impart a farewell on his way out. She merely nodded and turned away from him and he sighed as he joined his siblings at the front door with his mother.

Gabriel goofed off in the car as Castiel stared out the window with guilt clouding his thoughts. Samandriel and Anna both fell asleep quickly, and Castiel could only be grateful that Gabriel was in the front seat and not the back. It made it harder for Gabriel to notice anything was wrong and make a brotherly attempt to help.

The ride wasn’t long, and he couldn’t wait to get out of the car and back to the safety and privacy of his room. He’d barely shut the door when his phone rang. He groaned when he saw it was Lucifer. Resigned, he answered.

"Yes, Lucifer?"

"Cassie, Cassie, Cassie, what did you do?" chided Lucifer. Castiel was surprised at the lack of snark in his cousin’s voice. There was some smugness perhaps, a great deal of curiosity, and something else Castiel couldn’t identify but surely meant nothing good.

"To what, specifically, are you referring?" Castiel was pretty sure there was only one thing Lucifer could be talking about. Lucifer only ever called about April..

"After you left, April broke down. She stumbled into my room and dropped on the bed sobbing. When we asked her what was wrong, she was all wailing and crap, 'My boyfriend broke up with me!' and  _ then _ she went ballistic! You don't even wanna  _ know _ how much stuff she broke. Why'd you break up with her?"

Castiel sighed and rubbed his forehead. He felt a headache coming on. Just wonderful. "I didn't break up with her because we were never going out to begin with. We haven't seen each other since New Year’s. We’ve hardly even talked since then. How could  _ anyone  _ think we were dating?"

"But she told  _ everyone _ that she was your girlfriend!" Lucifer sounded stunned. "Why didn't you say anything when she kept calling you her boyfriend at the party?"

"She must have had her reasons, which was why I spoke with her privately. I didn't want to shame her in front of her friends. but there was no way I wasn't going to clear that up with her."

"I suppose that makes sense," Lucifer said dubiously.

After a few more minutes of useless, pointless chitchat with his least favorite cousin – no wait, second least favorite, there was always Metatron – he hung up and turned off his phone. He flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

_ Was _ there something wrong with him? Or had everything that had gone wrong been April’s weirdness? Or maybe there was something wrong with  _ both  _ of them _?  _ Castiel wasn’t sure if something was wrong with April, but he was  _ positive  _ there was something wrong with him. Why wasn't he attracted to anyone? Why didn't he care if he ever dated or kissed? Left to his own devices, he’d be fine if he never did those things. He'd always been a little different…maybe Hannah was right. Maybe he was just a late bloomer.

He had to stop thinking about this. Dating wasn’t all there was to life, so why couldn’t he just let it go? All thinking about it did was make him anxious, and he  _ hated _ feeling that way.


	2. Meg

Senior year of high school didn't change much about Castiel’s life, except he was able to take more classes in his chosen major. He wasn't sure what he would do with an art degree – maybe he'd illustrate books? – but he knew that was what he wanted to pursue. He'd figure out how to use the degree while he was in college.

Together, he and Hannah spent the fall poring over college brochures with their guidance counselor, trying to find the right fits. They were both nervous about leaving home, but they also were both eager to go. They hoped to find a school that could accommodate both their interests. Which shouldn’t be too hard, because Hannah wanted to do something with art as well, but was just as uncertain of where she would take it as he was.

Finally, after much discussion, applications were sent in to their colleges of choice and the waiting game began. Their parents mostly approved of their choices, and didn’t raise substantial objection to those they didn’t favor. Castiel suspected they were breathing a sigh of relief that their babies wouldn't be alone when they left the nest. 

By the time he and Hannah had finished sending out their applications, Inias had started pestering Castiel. While normally he liked Inias – he was Castiel’s favorite cousin and Castiel didn’t get to hang out with him as often as he would have liked – the sudden badgering about his love life he could do without.

Castiel suspected it was Michael's fault. Inias didn’t normally push Castiel about anything. Normally Castiel would have thought it was Gabriel’s idea, but while Gabriel teased, he never  _ actually _ pushed. Inias acted too concerned about Castiel’s lack of a girlfriend – or boyfriend, “You love who you love,” was a motto his family lived by - and not at all like this was a prank, which was Gabriel’s chosen method of dealing with things. However, Castiel wouldn’t put it past Michael to have started it. Despite hating him, Michael was all about appearances. It still irked his older brother that college had to be put on hold for a short time to help their mother take care of things after…Castiel’s stomach twisted. Michael couldn’t even stand to look at Castiel. Not since the accident and their subsequent arguments.

So this wasn’t about true concern for Castiel, but about how badly Michael thought his younger brother’s behavior reflected on the family. Castiel’s feeling that there was something wrong with him intensified. If Michael felt the need to fake concern for Castiel and to…compensate…for him, then clearly  _ Michael _ , at least, thought Castiel was broken.

Castiel’s irritation transferred pretty quickly from Inias to Michael as soon as he realized that it was his eldest brother that was responsible for the sudden influx of ‘relationship advice.’ Castiel sighed in annoyance and wished that Michael would go back to college, stop roping other people into doing things for him, and leave Castiel alone.

Castiel had met many of Inias’ friends before, including Meg who, for some reason, Inias became set on setting Castiel up on a date with. Maybe he shouldn’t have, but Castiel relented. Meg's snarky brand of humor and wit was enticing. She was also pretty and, despite his efforts not to think of himself as broken, Castiel was worried about his 'late bloomer-itis' as Gabriel had taken to calling it. Maybe the whole dating thing was a 'learn by feel' sort of thing? Maybe Castiel should dive in head first and accustom himself to the idea by actually dating someone? There were worse people to do that with. At least he enjoyed Meg’s company.

Faced with Inias’ constant nagging, Castiel gave in and he and Meg officially declared themselves to be dating. 

"It’s weird, Hannah. It almost felt like I should send out embossed and notarized notifications in the mail or something."

If nothing else, his description of the situation made Hannah laugh.

Dating Meg made his family happy, and things, in general, were good. The family stopped teasing him about being single (okay, Gabriel did the teasing. The rest just harped on how, at his age, he  _ should _ be seeing someone), and he didn’t feel as much like an outsider at school when his peers talked about dating, even if he still felt that he was going about it all wrong. Meg was assertive but she seemed fairly taken with him, though he couldn't figure out why she called him Clarence, and she refused to tell him.

Meh. He didn't mind, he supposed. Couples gave each other pet names all the time, right? Should he be trying to come up with a nickname to call her in return? Everything he tried sounded unnatural falling off his lips. Meg assured him with a pat on his cheek that it was fine and he'd get the hang of it.

They went out. Sometimes it was just the two of them. Other times it was with Inias and some of his cousin’s friends – and therefore also Meg’s – such as Balthazar and Uriel. Sometimes he was able to include Hannah, too, though that was harder to arrange. Their “dates” were never anything fancy, just movies or fast food or pizza.

Castiel was okay with that. Lowkey events that could pass as a ‘just friends’ style event made him more comfortable and helped him to relax around Meg. He enjoyed those more because there was no pressure on him.

One time it was miniature golf. That had been a lot of fun, though Meg had been absolutely terrible at it. Inias and Castiel had taken it more seriously than the rest of them, actually keeping score on the too tiny scorecards, whereas Meg….

Castiel couldn’t help but laugh, but neither could he or Inias call what Meg did  _ cheating _ since she wasn’t the one doing it. She merely benefited from Balthazar and Uriel’s antics. Both teens laid their golf clubs at angles around the course so that Meg couldn’t overshoot.  The clubs acted like the baby bumpers at a bowling alley and the ball was guided down the course in intervals until finally Meg’s ball bounced off a club and fell into the hole. It was a hole in one, and there was no penalty for cheating because Meg hadn’t technically cheated. 

Which meant she won the game. Inias groaned and Meg grinned. Castiel shook his head, a smile on his face. If they didn’t count Meg’s score, Castiel would have won, so he was still proud of himself. He hadn’t cheated, and he’d beaten Inias. Watching Balthazar and Uriel was actually kind of fun, as they contemplated each hole and tried to finagle the geometrics necessary to help Meg. It was the most fun outside of hanging out with Hannah that he’d had in a long time.

On rare occasions, Castiel and Meg had private time together. Those were the times he dreaded, because that's when Meg got aggressive. At first it was just kissing. The first few times they “made out” were awkward, more so for him, apparently, than for her, since she kept coming back for more. Eventually he relaxed into the kisses. While he didn't feel any spark of interest, the lust or desire other teens - and all the movies and books he'd perused – told him he should feel, kissing Meg felt…comfortable, after a while. Almost pleasant. He was constantly amazed that she didn't seem to notice how challenging he found mere kisses.

Once he was comfortable with kissing, though, Meg upped the stakes. A bare two months into their relationship (was that fast? He had no point of reference for this and he wasn’t asking Gabriel) by climbing into his lap and pulling his hands down from behind her neck and placing them on her hips. It was a warm, early fall day, and she was wearing a crop top and low rise jeans, leaving her belly exposed. Uncertainly, his fingers rested directly on her skin as they continued to kiss.

She pulled back far enough to whisper words against his mouth. “Go on, Clarence, you can touch me...I want you to,” she said, before diving back in, her hands urging Castiel’s higher.

His eyes wide, his gut twisting and his hands trembling, he followed her directions and slid his hands up, under her shirt. She made a happy sound which emboldened him to reach higher still, until he could grasp her breasts through her bra. There he paused, uncertain what to do next. Was there a technique he should be employing? What did girls like? Was he supposed to go on instinct? If so, where were his? Would Jimmy have been as lost as Castiel? For some reason, he didn’t think so.

She slid her mouth along his jaw and up to his ear. “That’s right,” she breathed. “I’ll tell you a secret; my nipples are  _ very  _ sensitive. Try it out.” She nipped at his lobes and soothed the bites with a lick or a suck. The first time she'd done that he'd flinched in surprise. Now he was almost used to it but still didn't understand the allure. He tried not to gulp as he moved his hands in massaging motions, used his fingers to tease her sensitive skin and nipples. All the while she told him what she liked and how he should touch her.

Castiel was highly relieved when someone banged on the window of her room. There were muffled shouts and yells and more banging. Growling, Meg stood up and stalked over to the window. She yanked the curtains open and glared at Uriel, Inias, and Balthazar standing on the other side. Inias glared right back and pointed to the watch on his wrist. She couldn't read it through the window; she looked over at her own clock and cursed.

"Shit, Clarence, we've gotta get you home before your mother grounds you!" She snagged his arm as she ran by and he was barely able to get a hold of his sneakers before she thrust him out of the room and towards the front door.

The drive back to his home was uneventful and he was thankful that he wasn’t trapped alone in the car with Meg. Being crowded in the backseat with Uriel dampened her ardor. After a quick kiss at the door, Meg and her friends drove away and Castiel let himself in. He managed to make it to his room without anyone noticing that he was late - his mother was a stickler for that - and he flopped back on his bed, thinking about what he had done with Meg.

Kissing was one thing but...popular culture held the belief that he, as a man, should be attracted to breasts. But their softness had not felt enticing or exciting to him at all. He'd felt nothing. But, then, he'd once thought kissing was nothing, too, and while he wasn't being driven crazy with desire, kissing was no longer the unpleasant things he had once thought it to be. Maybe he just…needed more exposure? To breasts?

He groaned and hit his pillow, determined to get some sleep and stop dwelling on it.

A week later, Inias called. That wasn't unusual and he was pleased to hear from him. That sentiment lasted until Inias started to talk.

"Cassie? Please don't be mad at me. I have a confession to make." Inias spoke nervously, which made Castiel nervous in turn.

"What's wrong, Inias?"

"Please, please,  _ please  _ don't be mad at me. I didn't mean for it to happen."

"O-kaaaay…but what happened?" 

Inias dragged in a large breath. "You remember that I told you Meg and I once dated, right?"

"Yes, I remember. I don't care about that."

"I know you don't. You're a very generous man, coz. But, well, I kissed her."

"You dated. I surmised as much." Castiel drew out the words slowly as he tried to figure out what Inias’ point was and why he sounded so upset.

"That’s…not what I meant," Inias’ said quietly.

"Then what  _ do  _ you mean?" Castiel held back an exasperated sigh with great effort.

"I mean. Like…last night. Meg and I, we…might have kissed. Last night." There was a brief pause before the rest came out in a rush. "I am so, so,  _ so _ sorry Castiel! I didn't mean to do it! I thought I was over her. I really did!" Castiel listened to his distraught cousin and tried to figure out how this information made him feel. He…wasn't jealous. That was telling. But what did his lack of jealousy mean? That he didn't care? Or that he was smart enough to understand that his cousin hadn't meant to hurt him? Either way, he assumed he should be reassuring Inias. Right? 

"I understand, Inias. It must be hard to end a relationship. I accept your apology. I'm not mad. Did you want me to break up with Meg?"

"Do you like her?"

What kind of a question was that? Castiel hung out with Meg a lot. Of course he liked her. If he didn't, why would he spend time with her?

"Of course I do."

"Then don't break up with her. Dating her makes you happy. Dating you makes her happy. You being happy makes me happy, and since you're not mad…I think we can work this out."

Castiel smiled though Inias couldn't see it. This was good. He didn't understand why other folks couldn't resolve problems – even ones such as this - as easily and simply as they just had. He hung up feeling good with himself for being able to so easily forgive Inias his accidental transgression.

When the family Christmas party came around  _ this  _ year, the Novak's visited Naomi's side of the family, which meant spending time with Inias instead of Lucifer. Castiel was immensely relieved. Having a girlfriend brought new consideration from his family; they even invited Meg for the holidays. That seemed to be what Castiel  _ should  _ do, so he asked her, and she agreed to go with him.

He thought the Christmas party went well, though Meg was as demanding of physical affection as usual. She’d sit in his lap, or lean forward for a kiss. She’d speak up often, making sure it was known that they were together. Such behavior was normal from her, but she behaved even more possessively than normal at the Christmas party, and it made Castiel nervous. Public displays of affection  _ always  _ made him nervous. 

This was also the first time Castiel had spent time around Inias since the whole “kissing” incident, and Castiel worried things would be uncomfortable.  But, despite Castiel’s apprehensions, Meg and Inias acted as if nothing had happened, and if anyone else in the family knew about what had taken place, they said nothing. Despite Meg’s behavior, Castiel considered the day one of the most enjoyable Christmas parties he’d ever attended with his family.

As he was gathering his and Meg's coats to leave, he was surprised by his mother's cousin Ion. Technically Ion was in Castiel’s mother's generation, but was so much younger that he was closer in age to Castiel and Inias and was often lumped together with them. The three had always gotten along well. 

Ion leaned in close, his voice low. "Look, little cousin, I don't want to overstep but…I think Meg is trouble. I'm getting a bad vibe off her. I'm not sure dating her is a good idea."

Castiel frowned. "Meg's a good person and she's fun to talk to. I know her much better than you do and I don’t get a 'bad vibe' off her." Where was this coming from? Was Ion jealous? Why would Ion be jealous? Did this have something to do with Inias and Meg’s kiss?

"I just…I don't know." Ion pushed his hair back, looking a little lost as he tried to put what he’d observed into words. "Just be careful, Cassie, okay? Promise me that?" Castiel nodded, befuddled but thankful his family cared enough to be concerned. Before he could ask more questions and try to understand  _ why _ Ion was concerned, Meg joined them, and they left with the rest of his family.

Castiel forgot about Ion's warning as the months passed. He was relieved that while she seemed to enjoy having him grope her – what was it the other teens called it? Reaching second base? - he was glad she didn't seem to want to move any further than that. He wasn't comfortable doing more and he suspected he never would be.

When Castiel talked about his reservations with Hannah, she sighed and said, "Maybe it's your family's religious upbringing that is holding you back?" 

Castiel blinked. He honestly hadn't considered that. "You think I’m uncomfortable because I feel guilty about having impure thoughts?"

She nodded. "I mean, maybe? It's just a thought."

He shook his head sadly. "I don't even have 'impure thoughts' to feel guilty about. Shouldn't I be thinking about having sex, even if not with Meg, with  _ someone _ ? I still think there's something wrong with me."

Hannah put a hand on his shoulder; there was a strange look in her eyes. "Just, be you - not who Meg wants you to be or who your family thinks you should be. Discover yourself and be that."

"I'm trying Hannah. But what if I  _ am _ broken? What if I  _ never  _ want what everyone else wants?" 

She shrugged. "Maybe that's okay. If we were like everyone else, the world would be boring, wouldn't it? Have you talked to Meg about any of this?" 

He recoiled in horror. "No! No, I couldn't! She'd be mad. I like Meg! I want to remain friends with her. I don’t want a repeat of what happened with April..."

"But…?" she prodded and he sighed, dragging a hand down his face.

"But I just don't feel that way about Meg. Kissing has gotten better but…I must be doing something right because she hasn't complained, but I really don't feel like I know what I'm doing."

Hannah regarded him sadly. It wasn't the first time the two of them had tried to hash it out, and it wouldn’t be the last time. He didn't like talking about it, though, even with Hannah. He wanted to change the topic, but she breathed in deep and let it out, her voice quieter than normal.

"Castiel, I've been thinking about this a lot because…I was wondering about myself. What if I was different?" 

He tilted his head at her. "That wouldn't matter to me. You would still be you. You would still be my friend." She looked up at him gratefully, relieved.

"Then remember that. If it's true for me, it's true for you as well," she said, and he laughed at how she'd turned it around on him. They set down to work on their homework, the conversation thankfully at an end.

Castiel dated Meg most of his senior year. He grew closer to Inias’ other friends, too, until Castiel considered them his  _ own _ friends. 

Near the end of the semester, he, Meg, Inias, and Balthazar headed out to a restaurant after a night of bowling. Usually they went for fast food, but tonight everyone had agreed they deserved something fancier. Castiel wasn't sure that Chili's was actually fancier, but whatever. Balthazar went inside to put them on a waiting list at the surprisingly crowded restaurant while Castiel, Meg and Inias waited outside under the awning. They could have gone somewhere else, but Meg was for some reason dead set on eating at Chili's. They sat down on a bench, Meg pressed against his side as Inias teased Castiel about his dislike of PDAs.

"I know you, baby cousin. You won't do it."

Castiel shot him a strange look. "I don't understand why it's so important that Meg and I kiss in a public setting. How does that prove anything?"

Inias shrugged. "I suppose it doesn't, but the fact that you don't makes it look like you don't really care about her."

"Well, that's not true, right Clarence?" Meg curled up even closer against him and looked into his eyes. She grinned and he felt trapped. He was uncomfortable with the things they did together in private; the thought of kissing in public made him feel sick. But Meg would question his level of attachment to her if Castiel didn't step up to Inias' challenge. Declining to kiss her would prove how broken he was. And Castiel  _ did _ like Meg, he just wasn't sure if he liked her enough to make out where others could see. Why should he have to prove himself? Inias looked at him smugly, Meg looked at him expectantly, and Castiel steeled himself with a breath before moving forward and kissing her.

He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see anyone staring at them, hoping to close out the rest of the world and get rid of the uncomfortable, tight feeling in his chest. After what seemed like forever, but was probably not long enough for Meg – she was insatiable - Castiel leaned back and away and then looked up at his cousin with a raised eyebrow – " _ good enough _ ?" his expression wordlessly inquired, only to catch the strangest expression on his cousin's face. Before Castiel could puzzle out the meaning of Inias’ look, Balthazar poked his head out the door of the restaurant and beckoned them inside.

Balthazar did most of the driving for their little group and tonight was no different. He dropped everyone off after dinner. Castiel lived the furthest away, and thus he was last, alone in the car with Balthazar. He didn't mind. Balthazar was funny, if a bit lewd. Castiel wasn't sure he understood everything the Balthazar said, but he didn't think he needed to. It wasn't until they parked in front of Castiel's house that Balthazar spoke.

"You know, I never thought you'd be the type." Balthazar chuckled. 

Castiel frowned. "The type for what?"

"Oh, you know. I like myself a good old ménage a trois… Someday I hope to…what's the French word for twelve?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Balthazar." Even he recognized blatant innuendo when he heard it, but he didn’t understand what a threesome had to do with anything.

"The three of you - you, Meg and Inias being a thing."

“We’re not." Castiel stared at Balthazar like he was crazy. Horror dawned on Balthazar's face.

"Oh shit. Um…I'm sorry, I must have…read that wrong then. It's just, the way you were all behaving tonight I could have sworn…but I guess I was wrong…forget I said anything. Don't be mad..." Balthazar was babbling and he looked scared for some reason. Castiel took pity on him.

"It's all right Balthazar, I'm not offended. Meg likes to flirt. Thank you for the ride." He pushed the door open and climbed out, then leaned in briefly before shutting the door. "Honest, I'm not mad. I'll see you around, okay?"

"Yes, of course, Cassie." Castiel rolled his eyes, because of course his cousin’s friends had picked up the annoying habit of calling him Cassie, but he nodded and shut the car door. Balthazar peeled away in a rush; Castiel watched him leave pensively. He must still be embarrassed about his assumption. Castiel walked back to the house, still thinking about what Balthazar had asked.

What if it wasn't just an assumption? Castiel was clueless when it came to social cues. Maybe he'd missed something? What if Meg was being respectful of his boundaries because she was with Inias, too? But why would Inias  _ do _ that to him? Sure, they’d kissed before, even while Castiel and Meg were dating, but that was different from actually cheating, wasn’t it?

He wasn’t exactly angry; more, he was upset that they'd go behind his back. It was dishonest. But at the same time, he felt relieved. If Meg and Inias were back together, he'd feel less guilty about dumping Meg and insisting that all he wanted was friendship. Shouldn’t this bother him more? But it didn’t. His indifference was more proof that he and Meg shouldn't have dated in the first place. No matter what Hannah said, there really was something wrong with Castiel.

He climbed up to his room, grateful that Gabriel was out and everyone else was asleep. He closed the door and changed, then flopped to his bed and pulled out his phone. He stared at it for a long time before he made his fingers move and opened up a new text message.

CAS _ : Inias, we need to talk. _

He stared at the phone, willing it to send Inias' answer quickly. He wanted to get this done with.

INIAS _ : What's up coz? _

CAS _ : I heard something strange today… _

INIAS: _ That’s pretty vague Cassie. _

CAS _ : Are you and Meg together?  _

Bluntly was the only way to get through this. There was silence from the phone for a long minute, glaring in the quiet of the night.

INIAS _ : Well, yeah…You said it was okay. _

CAS _ : I don't recall saying any such thing. _

INIAS _ : You did. Don't you remember when I called to tell you about the kiss? _

CAS _ : I do. I do not remember you indicating any intention of continuing your affections for Meg. _

INIAS _ : Shit. I thought…I thought you were okay with it. _

INIAS _ : Are you mad at me Cassie? _

CAS _ : Why does everyone keep asking me that? _

INIAS _ : Because it’s a valid question. _

INIAS _ : Most people would have been mad the first time _

INIAS _ : And this would piss them off more _

Text after text poured through, then stopped abruptly. Castiel closed his eyes as he tried to think of what to say in response. This conversation wasn't going along any of the lines he could have imagined. Another beep from his phone prompted him to open his eyes and look back down.

INIAS _ : I'm sorry. I'll explain to Meg it was a mistake and break up with her. _

CAS _ : No, don't bother. _

INIAS _ : I'm confused. _

_ So am I. _ Castiel hesitated but deleted the words before sending them. Instead, he wrote and sent,  _ I'm going to break up with Meg. I've been thinking about it for a while. _

CAS _ : I don't think I'm a good fit for her. _

CAS _ : In fact, I don't think I'm ready for dating. _

CAS _ : This is for the best. I was worried about hurting her, but she'll still have you. _

INIAS:  _ Cas…I don't know what to say. _

INIAS _ : Do you want me to talk with Meg? _ Despite the oddness of the situation, Castiel felt a burst of affection for his cousin. First for offering to step back, and second for offering to help. But he couldn't accept the first, and he wouldn't accept the second either.

CAS _ : No. I think I should do that myself. _

INIAS _ : Alright then, if you're sure. Castiel, I'm really sorry. _

Inias' guilt was undeniable, his rare use of Castiel's full name evidence of his sincerity. Castiel put away the phone and fell asleep feeling better than he had in a while. And wasn't  _ that  _ telling?

When he met up with Hannah the next day, she couldn't believe her ears. "He did  _ what _ ? And you're just  _ okay _ with it?"

"Why wouldn’t I be? I think it was an honest misunderstanding. And this gives me the out I was looking for," he said. “I mean, I wasn’t actively looking for a way out but...I wasn’t sure I should stay with her, and…” Castiel sighed, leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. "Forget dating. I'm never doing it again."

"Maybe you're going about it wrong," Hannah suggested. Castiel cracked open an eye and looked at her questioningly. "I mean…have you thought you might like boys instead? It would explain why you weren't attracted to April  _ or  _ Meg _. _ "

"Huh." He lifted his head, a contemplative look on his face. "That hadn't occurred to me. I'll keep it in mind."

"You do that." She fidgeted a bit before looking back up at him. "You know, I've been thinking of…of cutting my hair."

"You are? That sounds nice."

"I mean,  _ really _ cut my hair. Make it more like yours."

"Like a boy's cut?" he asked, confused why she was bringing it up. It was her hair; she could do what she wanted with it.

"Yeah," she said nervously. "I don't think my parents are going to be happy."

"So what? Short hair's easier to take care of."

"How would you know?" she snorted softly. "Yours is always a mess."

"Yeah, but I've been told that it looks good like that. I don't even own a brush." He grinned at her she laughed. 

After a pause, she looked up at him again. Opening her mouth, then closing it, she took a fortifying breath and pushed her words out quickly, “Cas...I...why don’t you call me Hani anymore?”

Castiel stared at her dumbly, his heart aching at the old nickname he and Jimmy had used for Hannah when they were kids. Jimmy had come up with it and been so proud of himself. 

“I...Hannah...it’s just,” Castiel stuttered. He looked away guiltily. “I...I thought you knew? I thought...I thought we were on the same page. I can’t...it was...the reminder is too much for me. I couldn’t…” Tears stung his eyes, even after all this time. Just looking in the mirror every day had been painful for so long; some part of him always saw his identical twin looking back. At least puberty had changed Castiel enough that he no longer looked at himself and saw Jimmy.

“I should have realized,” she said softly. “I’m sorry I brought it up.” She looked about the room as he spent a moment to compose himself. Suddenly, she picked up a couple of envelopes from her side table and said excitedly, “I forgot to tell you, I’ve been getting college acceptances. First one arrived two days ago, and I got another one yesterday. What about you?”

“Did you?” He leaned forward eagerly, welcoming the change of topic. “Which ones?” Conversation turned towards college and just like that things were back to normal. Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. As guilty as he felt, he’d rather never think of Jimmy again.

  
  



	3. Balthazar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that has the most problematic themes (as well as the 'furthest' Cas ever goes, which is why I didn't put an explicit rating on this.
> 
> Cas relives a horrible (skin crawling) childhood memory. its broken up, not explicit, but very clear whats going on. I'm going to put breaker lines before and after that section so you can skip it easy if you'd like to avoid it. 
> 
> _______________________________

Castiel’s break up with Meg went well, or as well as these things went. He didn’t have much personal experience with it, though he’d witnessed many of Gabriel's explosive separations. Compared to those, his was anticlimactic. Nothing even changed between him and Meg, except that there was no longer any flirting or kissing or groping, for which he was eternally thankful. Things between him and Inias were slightly strained but at least not immoderately, and Balthazar…

Balthazar was apologetic. Overly so. He continued to apologize long after the fact – not to Inias for spilling the beans, but to Castiel for destroying his relationship. They started hanging out more. Balthazar tried, unnecessarily, to make things up to Castiel by helping him or taking him out or giving him rides if he should need one.

"I don't understand why you feel the need to do this," Castiel said as he tried to forestall Balthazar from buying his food _again_.

"It's my fault you and Meg broke up."

Castiel shook his head. "You shouldn't feel that way. Honestly, I’m grateful. And I don't blame you. I would have wanted to know what was going on." Did he imagine the hopeful look in Balthazar's eyes? Maybe if he felt forgiven, he’d stop smothering Castiel with his attempts to make amends.

"Maybe so, but…perhaps I should admit that my motives were not…purely altruistic." Balthazar was so hesitant that it made Castiel pause and cock his head in confusion.

"I don't understand."

Balthazar turned red at Castiel’s question, shamefaced, which was odd because as near as Castiel could figure, the man _had_ no shame.

"I'm sorry, I–" Balthazar started to speak but Castiel held his hands up to forestall him.

"I told you, you don't need to keep apologizing– " Castiel stopped as Balthazar cut him off by grabbing Castiel's hands in his own. Castiel’s mouth dropped in surprise at the sudden movement and unexpected touch.

"No...you, I...oh God!" Balthazar groaned. "I feel so guilty because I was kind of hoping the two of you would break up. I didn't think you knew about Meg and Inias, but then I wasn't sure, maybe I'd read you wrong? But then I thought what if you didn't know? You deserved better than that, and while all those motives are…are…good, in and of themselves, they weren't my only ones." He ducked his head and Castiel remained quiet, unsure where this was going. "I like you, Cassie, and… I was hoping once you were single again, I might have a shot with you."

Castiel blinked and drew away, pulling his hands out of Balthazar's. He wasn't sure what to say. He certainly hadn't been expecting this. He thought back to Hannah's words and realized he had a prime opportunity right in front of him. But…was it the right thing to do? To just jump right back into a relationship he wasn’t sure he wanted? He felt like it would be leading Balthazar on to do so and he shook his head in the growing silence as Balthazar's eyes pleaded with him.

"I'm...I'm really flattered Balthazar, but I don't think I'm ready for another relationship yet."

Balthazar groaned. "I've gone and done it; I've broken your heart and ruined any chance I had. See? This is why I need to apologize! I need to earn your trust and friendship, and then I'll ask again." It was sort of admirable, Castiel thought, how determined and optimistic Balthazar was.

"There's nothing to forgive. My heart is unbroken. I’m just not ready."

Balthazar flinched at Castiel's blunt honesty. "Is it because I'm a man?" he asked harshly.

"I don’t think so. I’m not sure I have a preference." Castiel had yet to feel honest-to-God attraction to anyone of _either_ gender.

"Then why? Is it because I talked about being in a ménage a trois and such? Am I too dirty? I'll be good for you, Castiel! I can change!"

Castiel swallowed the lump in his throat. Balthazar had become a good friend and Castiel didn't want to hurt him but it seemed inevitable at this point. How could Castiel make Balthazar see it was impossible for Castiel to date him, and that it was unfair of Balthazar to put Castiel on the spot? He shook his head.

"I'm sorry Balthy, I just don’t…I'm sorry." Castiel knew he was starting to look upset by the way his friend drew back and reined himself in. Balthazar sighed and nodded.

"Alright, for now, I guess. But I'll prove myself to you. We would be good together. Just…keep it in mind, okay?"

Castiel let out a relieved breath that Balthazar was dropping the issue, but his relief turned out to be short lived.

Balthazar was serious about 'proving himself.' Everything he could do at every turn - every nicety, every consideration - he did. He even bought tickets to a classical concert that Castiel wanted to go to, though bad timing made it impossible for Castiel to attend. His attentions were so obvious that even though he didn’t ask Castiel out again, Castiel's family noticed.

"Are you and Balthazar dating, honey?" Naomi asked him at dinner one night. Castiel nearly choked. Gabriel whooped and Anna's eyes went as wide as saucers. Samandriel continued to eat silently, though he froze for a second. Castiel was so stunned by his mother's question that he could scarce answer.

"No! What gave you that idea?"

"He's such a nice boy. And his family is pretty well off. You could do worse, I suppose."

"We're not dating." Castiel wanted to drop the subject.

Too bad his family didn't get the message.

"You should consider it," she pushed.

Gabriel stopped laughing long enough to say, "Mom, doesn’t it bother you that our Cassie is a guy and so is Balthazar?"

"What about it? Love is love. And it would be a good match. That young man is so outgoing, he could bring Castiel out of his shell."

None of them brought up that Castiel had gone into his shell when his twin had wound up in a coma. The traumatic experience had been devastating. No one said anything, but everyone looked at Castiel, and Jimmy was the only thing Castiel could think about. He pushed his chair back, his food gone flavorless, and excused himself. He couldn't run up the stairs fast enough to escape her parting words.

"If you're going to insist on being an artist, Castiel, you'll need someone who can support you, and someone to support Jimmy after I'm gone!"

He slammed his bedroom door, breathing hard as he collapsed on his bed. He couldn't believe she'd said that. He loved his mother but her insistence on disregarding Castiel’s feelings, her belief that Castiel couldn’t succeed as an artist, was intrusive and hurtful. And worst of all, to bring up Jimmy like that!

Castiel wished that conversation had been the end of the matter, but it didn't stop there. More and more of his family became aware of Balthazar's crush and everyone started encouraging Castiel to "Go out with him! You never know, he could be the love of your life" or "You could do worse". The second was said so frequently that Castiel started to hate the words. His only relief was that at least no one else brought up Balthazar’s money or the need to secure a future for Jimmy.

"They won't leave me alone, Hannah!" He paced his room, his hands tearing at the messy, dark hair on top of his head. She looked at him sympathetically from under her newly-cropped style. It looked good on her. So far, he was the only one to compliment her. Her parents had been as pissed as she'd feared they would be. He was proud of her for standing up for herself and doing what made her happy.

"If it's that much of a bother, why don't you stop hanging out with him?"

"But he's my _friend_ . And even if he wasn't, he's friends with my _other_ friends, and with my cousin. There's no way to avoid him."

As senior year ended and summer began, Castiel was increasingly nervous around Balthazar, his stomach twisting into knots whenever they were together. Balthazar’s advances and suggestive looks grew more obvious and more frequent and Castiel only narrowly avoided being kissed at least half a dozen times.

Castiel wondered why he didn't take Hannah's advice and avoid him. Surely he could use the excuse of getting ready for college? Why couldn't Castiel make it clear to Balthazar that he didn't want to date him? Why couldn't he make it equally clear to his own family? Castiel supposed he should be happy that his family was more accepting than some of the other families in their social circles, but their constant nudging made him feel increasingly guilty.

His constantly circling thoughts froze as one single idea swam to the forefront. What if he couldn't convince anyone _else_ that he didn’t want to date Balthazar because part of him actually _did want to date Balthazar_? Castiel had often felt out of touch with his feelings, and Balthazar was witty and sarcastic and fun. He made Castiel smile and laugh.

Though...Balthazar confused Castiel more often than not. What if a part of him actually _was_ interested? Didn't Castiel owe that part of himself a shot?

Castiel waffled back and forth for a while. Should he date Balthazar or shouldn't he? He was leery, positive it wouldn't work out just like his other relationships hadn’t worked out, but Balthazar and Castiel’s family were so persistent. Would it hurt to try?

He was still undecided the night that Balthazar finally managed to snag a kiss.

Castiel froze for a second, but then he relented. Kissing was easy. They didn't have to do anything else, right? Especially for a first kiss when they hadn't been dating. As first kisses went, it was the best he'd had yet. Still no 'sparks' but it was, at least, pleasant, almost comforting. Balthazar kept it brief, for which Castiel was thankful, and pulled back some to look at Castiel's face, pure joy on the older teen’s face as he cupped Castiel's in his hands.

"You…kissed me back," he breathed wonderingly. "I had hoped, but daren't dream. Could we…?" Castiel tried to duck his head, turning red, but Balthazar's hands kept him from moving, so instead he cast his eyes downward, his lids shuttering nearly closed as he gulped. "Please, Cas? Say you'll be my boyfriend?"

Shakily, Castiel looked back up at Balthazar, his face filled with the uncertainty he felt. "I…Balthazar, I don't…I'm not a good boyfriend. I've tried. It doesn't work."

"That's normal, Cassie. I've dated a lot of people. Almost everyone I know has dated more than once. Some people have dated loads of other people! We don't find our soulmates right off the bat, you know. This isn't a fairytale. We're all just looking for ‘the one.’"

With the way Balthazar was gazing at him, Castiel was afraid the man had already decided that he'd found ‘the one.’ Castiel was pretty sure Balthazar was wrong, but maybe Castiel just needed to keep trying? He took a deep breath.

"O...okay."

"Really?" Balthazar grinned and Castiel gave a tiny nod, the barest of movements he could make while Balthazar’s hands yet held his face still, and then Balthazar lunged forward and kissed him again.

The summer passed more quickly than he expected as Hannah and he tried to prepare for college and he juggled that with outings with his friends and dates with Balthazar.

Now that they were official, Balthazar was around even more. Castiel wished they spent less time together, but every time he brought it up, Balthazar would look into his eyes.  "I've got to get in my time with you now, love, before you leave me for college." And Castiel would sigh and relent.

Balthazar was not pleased when Hannah and Castiel left to visit potential campuses during their Open Houses. Some were close by and the visits only took a few hours total, but others were day trips. One such was a five hour drive away, a small, private college in Chittenango.

After spending the day wandering the small, but charming campus crisscrossed by yellow brick sidewalks, meeting with advisors from the art department and seeing demonstrations that tempted them to sign up immediately, their families checked into a hotel for the night. Over dinner, they talked about what they’d seen.

“I like it here,” Hannah said, “I feel like there’s so much inspiration, so much potential.”

Hannah’s mother Rebecca frowned. “I don’t know about this place. You’d get a better, more respected degree at one of the colleges in New York City.”

Hannah and Castiel both shuddered. “All the school you’ve suggested in New York are _huge_ , like, classes with 400 or more people. I don’t want to go to a school in a place where I’ll constantly get lost, and I don’t want to go to a school so big that I’m just one more anonymous student in a sea of faces,” Hannah objected, Castiel nodding his agreement.

Long after their parents went to bed, Hannah and Castiel stayed up talking, and decided that they wanted to go to Chittenango. Once they got back from Long Island, Balthazar pounced. He politely asked about it went, though he was obviously not looking forward to the day Castiel left for college. He continued to push for as much of Castiel's time as possible and, with guilt building up for ignoring him so often, Castiel didn’t fight it.

At first, all their relationship consisted of was kissing and some cuddling, and Castiel was comfortable with that. But over time he wondered if he should be doing something more. Meg had liked it when Castiel groped her chest but…well, Balthazar wasn't a girl. What was Castiel supposed to do with his hands?

He learned the answer on the day Meg's 'new' used car ran out of gas while they were driving on the highway. He and Balthazar were spending the day with Meg and Inias, doing the double date thing, which was just weird. Castiel didn't understand why they weren't using Balthazar's car, as it was a great deal more reliable. Meg didn’t have much money and the beater she'd picked up had many problems, including a broken needle on the gas gauge. She had to continually guess how much gas she had, doing math as she drove, counting down the mileage since the last time she'd filled up.

This time, that backfired. Meg and Inias decided to walk to the next exit and pick up some gas, while Balthazar volunteered to remain in the car with Castiel and make sure it didn't get towed away. They would have no way home if that happened, and Meg didn't have the money to reclaim the car.

Balthazar used the opportunity like he'd been using every time he had Castiel alone, and before Meg and Inias had walked out of sight, Castiel felt warm lips colliding with his own chapped ones.

They remained that way for a while, curled close together, kissing. Castiel splayed his hands across the front of Balthazar's shirt, uncertain, as usual, what to do with them. Lips moved over his, tongues touched, and Balthazar moaned.

"Please, Cas…" Castiel drew away, his head tilted to the side, confused.

"Please what?"

"I want you to touch me."

"But I am…?"

Balthazar groaned, this time more in frustration than in pleasure. Even Castiel could tell that.

"I keep forgetting how innocent you are, love. No worries, I'll show you what to do."

They resumed kissing and Balthazar's hand closed around Castiel's wrist, pushing Castiel’s arm down Balthazar’s body until Castiel's hand rested on his boyfriend's groin. If Castiel's mouth hadn't already been occupied, he would have gulped in nervousness. He tensed up as he let his hand rest there, unsure how to proceed. Suddenly, his boyfriend's erection pushed up and into Castiel’s hand and his breath caught in surprise while Balthazar panted, pulling his mouth away again.

"Please," Balthazar whined, repeating the word.

Castiel supposed he might as well try. He wanted to make Balthazar happy. It hadn't been that difficult to advance to breast groping when he was with Meg; at least Castiel had eventually gotten used to it. It was still enough to make him shudder at the thought, but he’d done it. This was just one more step closer to intimacy, right? A different body part, not unlike his own. He’d touched himself like this. How hard could it be to give someone else pleasure?

He nodded, his eyes wide and frightened, but Balthazar only seemed to notice the nod. Closing his eyes with anticipated pleasure, Balthazar reached down between them and quickly undid his pants, pushing his jeans and underwear down enough to pull his penis out.

Castiel couldn’t help but stare, barely breathing. Could he do this? His hands shook and he felt sick as Balthazar gently grasped Castiel’s hand again and placed it where he wanted Castiel to touch him. Balthazar’s penis was hotter than Castiel expected. Castiel almost lost his resolve, but gently, without words, Balthazar showed Castiel how to grip, how to move his hands, encouraged Castiel to move faster. All the while, Balthazar kissed Castiel harder and deeper. Castiel tried to distract himself by returning the kisses enthusiastically, to make sure that Balthazar was enjoying this. After some time, he found the motions so…repetitive. Surely this couldn’t be all there was to sex? He didn’t try this often with himself but maybe he should start. He supposed it would be great practice so he'd know what other men, what _Balthazar_ , would like. Right now, all he felt was awkward and a little queasy.

Luckily, Balthazar didn't seem to notice. His kisses didn’t abate, were no less enthusiastic as his penis twitched in Castiel’s grip. But Castiel felt more and more awkward and uncomfortable by the moment. His stomach twisted unpleasantly as he realized he still felt _nothing!_ Tears stung his eyes but he forced them back. He gasped, but Balthazar swallowed it, plunging his tongue inside Cas's mouth.

Castiel pulled back, heart pounding, and guiltily looked around, remembering at last that they were on the side of a highway and some motorist or cop was bound to stop and check on them. How embarrassing would it be to literally get caught with his hand down his boyfriend's pants? Desperate to make the unpleasant liaison end, Castiel jumped on the excuse to halt their tryst.

"Balthazar, I think we should stop. Meg and Inias will be back soon. I don’t want to be discovered like this."

"God damn, I love your voice," was the only answer Castiel received before Balthazar’s head drifted downward, mouthing at Castiel’s neck and leaving wet trails of saliva. Castiel shuddered, the sickening feeling in his gut intensifying. He felt the sudden need to take a shower. He jumped at a knock on the window behind him. His heart thudded, but he was grateful for the interruption despite the chance of utter mortification. He turned so that his body blocked Balthazar from view, letting his boyfriend tuck himself back in. There was a cop standing outside the car; Castiel leaned over and rolled down the window.

"What are you boys doing?" The cop’s tone was bored but friendly. It didn't make Castiel any less nervous.

"We ran out of gas. We're waiting for our friends to return with some." Castiel tried to keep his voice steady. After all, they’d done nothing wrong, unless you counted public indecency. He held back a nervous gulp, praying the cop wouldn't notice.

"So this isn't your car?" The cop looked wary but he deflated quickly when Castiel said:

"No sir. If you wait, I'm sure they'll be back soon. We've been waiting a while."

"No, it's fine. You boys be careful." The bored tone was back and both Balthazar and Castiel nodded as the cop walked away before they let out explosive breaths of air. Castiel slumped into the seat, red as a beet, covering his face.

"Holy shit! That was close!" Balthazar laughed.

"I'm glad you found that funny, because I didn’t," Castiel ground out from behind his hands.

"Oh, come _on_ , love, it wasn't that bad. He didn't suspect a thing!" Balthazar tried to pull at Castiel, strained to tug their bodies together, but Castiel resisted. "C'mon, get comfortable. We're done for now, I promise. No more embarrassing hijinks."

With that assurance, Castiel allowed himself to be gathered alongside Balthazar and they waited in silence, Castiel drifting slowly toward sleep as fingers carded through his hair. _That_ he enjoyed.

He was glad that hand jobs didn't seem to be on the menu often as the summer progressed. He wasn’t sure if it was that they didn’t have the time, or if Balthazar simply didn’t ask him again; either way, Castiel fretted about the possibility of being asked to touch Balthazar like that. He wanted to make his boyfriend happy, but touching Balthazar intimately made him extremely uncomfortable. He was being a bad boyfriend. Was he supposed to offer?

Thankfully, he got a breather in the form of his Orientation at Chittenango College in Chittenango. They packed for the three day event with enthusiasm and Rebecca dropped them off on campus in the early afternoon. After helping them check in, Rebecca headed out to visit family, promising to be back in two days.

Hannah and Castiel looked over their schedule. It was packed with events: meet-and-greets, games, a bonfire, a barbeque on the quad, and more. The next day, the incoming freshmen were broken into small groups and Hannah and Castiel were separated.

Each group went on a tour of Chittenango with games to help familiarize themselves. Most of the people in Castiel’s group didn’t interest him, but he did chat a bunch with a girl named Hael as they wandered between games. She seemed nice, and Castiel was glad he’d be going into the school year with at least one friend besides Hannah. After the tour, he introduced Hael to Hannah and the three of them went for lunch, and then they split up to attend advisor meetings to plan their tentative class schedules.

Afterwards, the three of them hung out in the lounge of one of the dorms and chatted with the other students. The dorm was the one Hannah was staying in, and Castiel liked it better than the one he’d been assigned.

On the last day, they registered for classes. Afterwards, he and Hannah compared schedules. Since they were both art majors, they had mostly the same classes, which was exciting. They also got to request dorm assignments, and Castiel excitedly applied to be in the same dorm as Hannah.

They returned back home. Castiel was much more excited for school than he had been before orientation. He couldn’t wait for summer to be over and college to begin, but he was also nervous as hell. What if college _wasn’t_ different than high school? What if he had his expectations too high? What if he did poorly and wasted his mother's hard earned money? On the other hand, he _needed_ a breather. He needed to step back from Balthazar and just...think. Castiel liked Balthazar, but his constant presence and his sexual expectations were exhausting, stressful, and draining

He worked himself up more and more until Balthazar intervened, whisking Castiel away for a night out. Castiel sighed since his boyfriend didn’t even realize he was part of the problem.

"You need to relax, love! I promise, tonight is going to be epic! You’ve got all day tomorrow to finish packing. You can take a night off. Besides, I have a big surprise in store for you. A little ‘going away present’. I think you'll like it." He beamed and Castiel fought the sinking feeling in his gut. He was afraid that the surprise Balthazar mentioned wouldn't be anything he'd want. But he forced a smile and nodded. Balthazar was at least correct that Castiel needed a break, so Castiel let Balthazar have his way, let Balthazar take him out for a drive around town. They stopped for food and parked in a field to look at the stars. Soothed, Castiel relaxed bit by bit.

He relaxed even more when Balthazar convinced Castiel to try the beer he’d brought. Castiel wasn't sure how Balthazar got his hands on alcohol, but despite Castiel’s initial reservations, he drank until he was buzzed. Balthazar insisted that it was important to at least get a taste of liquor before college, so Castiel could be prepared. It made sense, even if he was sure his mother would disapprove. Even as he sobered, he remained calmer than usual when Balthazar drove him home.

The two of them snuck into the house so they wouldn't wake anyone, and ended up sitting on the floor leaning against the couch, curled toward each other. It was the last night they'd have together before Castiel left for school, and Balthazar made the most of the time, cuddling close to Castiel, arms wrapped around him as they kissed, tongues touching and sliding together.

Suddenly, Balthazar pulled back and looked into Castiel's blue eyes. "Lie down," Balthazar suggested.

Frowning, Castiel obeyed and Balthazar lay down alongside him, arms around Castiel’s waist as their lips met again. They stayed that way for a while before Balthazar moved his lips away from Castiel's, skimmed down Castiel’s jawline, and mouthed at Castiel’s neck, which tickled. It felt nice, and furthered Castiel’s good mood.

Castiel jumped when a hand brushed over the front of his pants. He hissed in surprise and automatically reached down to fend off the touch, his mind working slowly – only to encounter Balthazar's hand working at the button of his jeans, sliding down the zipper and slipping a hand inside Castiel’s pants. Was this the surprise? Would Balthazar be giving _him_ a hand job? Should Castiel let him? In all this time, Castiel had never let anyone touch him like Balthazar was touching him. Would he feel differently about sex if he let his significant others touch him? Maybe he –

His thoughts shuddered to a stop when the cool air from the AC hit his exposed flesh. Distracted, he didn't realize Balthazar had moved again until the chill was replaced with something hot and moist and _oh God! What was Balthazar doing?_

Castiel had never felt anything like it. Though he was embarrassed and confused, he was also relieved that he could at least be turned on. It was nothing like what he'd heard or read or had described to him by his well meaning brother. His hand brushed the sofa, and he remembered where he was. Panic and mortification replaced his pleasure. His mother or siblings could come downstairs at any moment and catch him with his pants down, Balthazar's mouth moving over him -

His body and mind were in disagreement. Even as a wave of pleasure rocked through him, his thoughts argued about whether or not to stop Balthazar. The conflicting feelings were too much; he felt sick and aroused at the same time. He wanted Balthazar to continue. This was the most physical sensation he had ever felt with someone else. Would this fix him? Didn't he owe it to himself to try to be fixed? But the prospect of getting caught kept him from letting go and enjoying the experience.

Was this what people meant when they talked about lust? Desire? What they described had sounded all-encompassing, mind numbing, but Castiel was certainly not overcome and incoherent. It was pleasant but he wasn’t out of control. Confused, yes, which some might argue was a form of incoherency, but pleasure wasn’t the cause of his confoundment. He squirmed, decided to ask Balthazar to stop, when he lost control and his body brought an end to things for him. He dropped back to the floor in relief that it was over and done with, breathing hard as he stared down at a self-satisfied Balthazar.

"Was that your first orgasm, love?" Balthazar looked up at Castiel from where he still lay between Castiel’s legs.

Castiel nodded hesitantly, his voice shaking when he answered, “A-at, at least with...with someone else, I guess?”

Balthazar grinned smugly and sat up. He pressed a hand down on his own groin. "Would you like to try a blow job yourself?"

Castiel's eyes widened in horror as he scrambled back, heedless of the fact that his penis was hanging out of his pants. Balthazar's face dropped with disappointment and then…worry? Was that _worry_ on Balthazar’s face? Castiel flinched as Balthazar rushed forward, hands reaching out, and Castiel realized that someone was moaning “no” over and over again.

That someone was him. _He_ was moaning “no.” He couldn't breathe. He clutched at his head, trying to use his hands to steady himself, but he couldn’t. Closing the space between them, Balthazar pulled Castiel into his lap and rocked him, one hand soothing through Castiel's hair. Memories crowded Castiel’s mind, too many for him to process.

"I'm sorry, love. You don't have to. I'm sorry. What's wrong? Did I push too fast? Shhh…it's okay, just tell me what's wrong. Please?" Balthazar’s voice broke as he tried to calm Castiel’s trembling. Finally, Castiel gasped, lifting a shaky hand to wipe his tears away.

"I can't, I'm sorry, I can't," Castiel moaned. "I can't, I can't, I can't--"

"It's okay, Cassie, love, it's okay. Breathe for me? Can you do that?" There was a brief pause, broken only by Castiel's panting, which didn’t afford Castiel time to reply before Balthazar pushed further. "Can you tell me what happened? This seems like…it seems like something happened." A sob broke out as Castiel nodded into Balthazar's shirt.

"God, I forgot. I don't understand, how could I – it was horrible - how could anyone…? _Why_ did I forget? _How_?" Castiel whispered, so softly that he wasn't sure Balthazar could hear him. The soothing hand in Castiel's hair paused and he whimpered at the loss of the wordless support it offered.

"Did someone…did someone _do something_ to you, Cassie?" The words were hesitant, but Castiel could hear the care in them. He wasn't sure he could answer but…Balthazar deserved an explanation.

But if Castiel explained what he’d remembered, it would make it more real. He shuddered, pulled in a shaky breath, and nodded into his boyfriend's shirt again.

"When?” Balthazar demanded. “Whose ass do I have to kick?"

"No one. He's dead. He's dead, he's dead, he's dead..." he trailed off, whispering. For the first time he understood why he'd felt so reticent when his uncle had died.

"Please tell me,” implored Balthazar. “I want to help."

"It was a long time ago, Balthy,” Castiel whispered, half-remembered images and broken memories coming together. “A long, long time ago."

 

* * *

 

 

"How old were you?" He could hear how reluctant Balthazar was to ask the question. Balthazar wasn't going to like the answer. Castiel didn’t _want_ to answer. But...

"Not sure. Wasn't in school yet. Anna was a baby. Well, toddler. I think."

"Fuck, love, she's only three years younger than you." Balthazar's chest heaved angrily under Castiel's head. "Are you saying you were five years old? You were…you were…at five years old?!" Another nod and Castiel started to shake again. "Who the fuck was it?"

"Uncle Zach," Castiel managed to gasp out.

"What did he do?"

"I can't, no...Balthy, I can't." Castiel sobbed again, trembling even worse than before. He couldn’t stop the memories. He couldn’t _not_ think about what had happened. 

Getting caught in the shed behind the house while playing hide and seek.

His uncle refusing to allow him to leave until Castiel did something for him.

His uncle trying to convince him that they’d done this together before, though Castiel could remember no such thing, and that Castiel had done it for other people, other family members, too.

He hadn’t. He _knew_ he hadn’t.

Without understanding why, Castiel _knew_ that what Uncle Zach asked wasn't something he wanted to do.

He wanted out.

He didn't like being in the shed with Uncle Zach.

Uncle Zach _promised_ to let Castiel out if Castiel did as his uncle asked.

A few nights later. Maybe. Or a few nights before? Or many nights later? Or many nights that all bled together into one memory of one night?

Zach and his wife babysitting Castiel and Anna.

Jimmy was at Inias' house.

Castiel was excited to have his own room for one night. He hadn't realized what that would mean until he was woken up by Uncle Zach.

He'd protested that he didn't want to do it again. He hadn't liked it.

But Uncle Zach promised it would be the last time.

How many times had there been that Castiel didn't remember?

Were those the only two that stuck out in his mind? Or were those the only two times? How had he forgotten?

Uncle Zach offered him money to not tell his mother.

Reluctantly, Castiel agreed.

Liquid flooded his mouth.

He choked, trying to spit it out.

"You peed in my mouth!"

Castiel continued to spit and wipe at his face, disgusted.

His uncle overrode his accusations. "I did no such thing. Now shush before your Aunt wakes up."

True to his word, Uncle Zach never did anything to him again.

Or at least not that Castiel remembered.

He handed Castiel a couple of quarters for being "such a well behaved boy" as his mother picked him and Anna up the next day.

Anna clamored for something special of her own, and Uncle Zach gave her a cookie.

With growing horror, Castiel understood with the knowledge of a teenager what had been mysterious to him as a child. He finally understood what had happened, finally understood his shocked words to his uncle and what they implied.

Uncle Zach had come in Castiel’s mouth.

 

* * *

 

Castiel pushed his boyfriend away and stumbled to his feet. He raced for the bathroom, threw open the door, dropped painfully to his knees in front of the toilet, and heaved. He jerked when a hand landed on his back.

"Sshh…it's okay. I promise. Just me. Not gonna do anything." The hand ran up and down his back soothingly as Castiel shuddered again. "Goddamnit. If that bastard wasn't already dead, I'd be looking at jail time right now," Balthazar spat out. "I can't believe he did that." Castiel's mind was blank. What was Balthazar talking about? "And then I asked you…I'm so sorry. I would never have, if I'd known what he did."

"Known what?" he managed to croak, eyes wide in horror. He hadn't said all that out loud, had he? The look in his boyfriend's eyes assured him that yes, he had. He retched into the toilet again, his stomach clenching as it tried to force something, _anything_ , out of his system.

They spent most of the night on the bathroom floor until Castiel, exhausted and wrung out from the emotional and mental trauma he had relived, finally passed out.

When Castiel woke up, Balthazar was still there and told him what had happened. Balthazar had stayed with him all night, supporting him quietly. The family found them there the next morning, their clothes in better repair as Balthazar had the forethought to realize that things wouldn't look great if Cassie's fly was open and his penis was hanging out. With the evidence of sex hidden, Balthazar admitted the partial truth, telling them that he had gotten Castiel a little drunk and it hadn't gone well.

Naomi was furious, but accepted the lie. With Gabriel's help, Balthazar was finally able to move Castiel from the bathroom and carry him up to his room, laying him on the bed and covering him. He backed out of the room only to be cornered by Gabriel who yanked him down the hall to his own room, shoved him inside and slammed the door shut.

"You told Gabriel?" asked Castiel, horrified.

"I'm sorry love, the little bugger had me by the shorthairs." Balthazar obviously felt guilty for spilling something so personal, but at the same time, Castiel had to admit, Balthazar probably realized he wasn't getting out of that room alive. Gabriel could be damn scary when he wanted to be. Not that _he_ was ever afraid of Gabriel, but he'd seen many others taken aback by the abrupt about-face from Castiel’s trickster brother. After seeing Gabriel’s vicious side, few dared to return.

Naomi shouted up that it was time for Balthazar to leave. Frowning, he took a step towards Castiel, reaching to pull him in for a goodbye kiss, but Castiel recoiled.The memories from last night, the memories that had returned, were too fresh and too much to deal with. Balthazar froze.

"I'm sorry. I'm…I'll just…I'll just go." Balthazar turned and rushed out of the room, leaving Castiel to slump on his bed and curl into a ball.

He would have stayed that way all day if Gabriel hadn't snuck in, shutting the door behind him with a quiet click. Gabriel padded over to Castiel and sat down on the edge of the bed, close to Castiel’s head, threading fingers into the short dark hair.

"You okay, little brother?" asked Gabriel gently. Castiel grunted at Gabriel's question, eyes remaining screwed shut. "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"I forgot. God help me, Gabe, I have no idea _how_ , but I forgot until last night." His breath hitched. At least he didn't have to _tell_ Gabe anything. At least, thanks to Balthazar, no matter how mortifying and shameful it felt, Gabriel didn't have to ask what had happened and Castiel didn't have to spell anything out.

"That makes sense."

Castiel frowned and opened his eyes, leaning up a little to look at Gabriel."How? How the hell does that make sense? How does _any_ of it make sense?"

"It was an unpleasant memory and you were young. Children forget things all the time. Their brains are still forming or some shit, and it wasn't exactly something you _wanted_ to remember. You probably blocked it out on purpose."

Castiel slumped back down to the bed, laying his head on Gabriel’s thigh, taking what comfort he could. Comfort from Gabriel wasn’t like comfort from Jimmy, or so Castiel thought. He wasn't sure anymore. It'd been too long since Jimmy had been beside him. Thinking on his twin brought another wrench of pain and tears to his eyes

"Come on Cassie, we gotta tell Mom."

This time, Castiel _did_ move. He lurched up, pushed away from Gabriel, leapt to his feet and whirled around to glare at his brother. "No!"

"What? Why not?"

"There’s no point - no God damn point - in telling her that her beloved brother, whom she has so many fond memories of, did something so awful. Uncle Zach is dead. He can't be made to pay, and he can't do harm to anyone else. But telling Mom would harm _her._ I'm not doing it."

"But Castiel, you can't deal with something like this by yourself – "

"Watch me." He gulped but his voice came out strong. "I can and I will."

"Cassie – " Gabriel pleaded.

"No. We’re not talking about this Gabe. I’m done." He wrenched open the door and pointed. "Please just…leave me be. I need to…We leave tomorrow morning. I need to finish packing." He leveled sad blue eyes on his older brother and begged silently for Gabriel to give him space. Finally, Gabriel nodded. Standing up, he walked over to Castiel and grabbed him in a tight hug.

"Remember that we're here - that _I'm_ here - if you need anything. For college, for...for this...for _any_ thing. If you need to talk about it, I’m here. Cause you're going to have to, someday. And if anything else happens...dammit, Cassie, _promise_ me you'll tell me or...or _someone_!" Gabriel's voice was muffled in Castiel’s rumpled shirt. Tears pricked at Castiel’s eyes as he nodded, trying to speak around the lump in his throat.

"Okay, Gabriel. I promise."

Sitting alone in his room, staring at the things he needed to pack, Castiel wondered if the things he ‘d repressed had colored his perception of desire, had been the cause of the disconnect he'd felt between himself and normal teenagers. Maybe what Uncle Zach did to him was why he didn't understand all the fuss about sex.

But for now, all he could do was remember, and hurt.


	4. Hael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a bit of dub!con - its 'minor' (in so much as anything like that is) and over quickly.
> 
> This is also where it becomes apparent there is a trans character (the first of 2) in the story. I hadn't planned on it, initially, but the story pulled that direction. I tried to do some research but please, do NOT take me as any kind of expert (I never trust my research which is why I asked someone who is more familiar with all that being trans entails to give it a read through and I WISH I had saved the links to post here). I hope none of what I've written (here or in future chapters) is offensive. 
> 
> About all i could tell you from my research (and from talking with friends who are trans) that isn't covered in the story is that everyone has different levels of comfort and some things are just not appropriate to ask no matter what. Everyone has different reasons for their choice and how far they go, and those reasons are something you have to discover for yourself (though not necessarily on your own!) .

In the aftermath of remembering what had happened to him, Castiel was glad he was going away to college. He couldn't look Gabriel in the eye, and after he left for Chittenango, he didn’t call Balthazar. Guilt pooled in his gut whenever the same horrible thought occurred to him: What if he wasn’t the only one Uncle Zach had hurt? What if not speaking up when Zach was alive meant that someone else in his family, maybe one of his own siblings, had experienced the same thing? What if Castiel could have prevented it if he’d not kept his uncle’s secret?

What should 

Fuck. 

But what if the others had repressed their memories also? If he said something, if these theoretical others had been able to move on in a way he never had, Castiel could destroy their precious balance? 

What was the right thing to do?

He needed the distraction of going away to college and starting classes. As ever, Hannah stood beside him, a quiet and solid presence. He hadn't told her anything, but she knew something was wrong. She also knew when not to push. So, she didn't.

They traveled to school separately and Castiel arrived first. After a lot of fussing from his mother, he finally convinced his family that he didn’t need help setting up his dorm room and that they should go. Gabriel hesitated in the doorway and gave Castiel a look that Castiel ignored; both Samandriel and Anna were in tears, so he focused on comforting them.

"Why do you have to go to college so far away? Gabriel doesn't!" Anna whined.

"Gabriel has a different specialty then I do. He has options closer to home."

“Yeah, psychology and art don’t mix...wait, Cassie! You can make me some ink blots!” Gabriel called out from the door.

"But I don't want you to be so far away!" Anna cried. Castiel held her close, one arm around her, the other around Samandriel. The younger boy clung to him, silent, though no less affected.

"I'll be home before you know it. And Gabriel will be with you; he’s not leaving."

"It's not the same." Anna pouted.

"Hey!" came the mock-offended voice from the doorway. Anna sniffed and pulled away from Castiel as their mother called from the hall.

"You can call me whenever you want, Anna, okay? You too, Samandriel." He waggled his phone at them. "Modern technology. It's a wonderful thing." 

Anna snorted and smacked his arm. "You're such a dork." But she smiled, and with one last hug, his family turned to leave. He watched them walk away down the hall; he felt lonely as soon as their backs were turned. He jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder.

"Awwww…." The sudden voice beside Castiel startled him, and he spun around to see a tall, gangly-looking boy staring down the hall beside him. 

"That was touching." The boy sniffed. "So touching." Castiel edged away from him and the boy seemed to come back to himself. He snapped his gaze to Castiel and with a big goofy grin, he held out a hand. "The name’s Garth! Nice to meet ya!"

"I'm Castiel." He blinked at the boy, slowly meeting his hand for a shake.

"Whoa, what a cool name! So!" He slung an arm around Castiel's shoulders and beamed. "I'm starving. I've been working on my room all morning – " He pointed at the mess through the door across the hall from Castiel, "- and I sure could use a break. Do you know this town at all?"

"Um, yes, I came here for the orientation in July. I think I can find the pizza place again."

"Dude, we're gonna be best friends! Lead the way!" Garth ducked across the hall long enough to shut and lock his door, pocketing his key, then turned to look expectantly at the blindsided Castiel. Castiel stared, dazed. He wasn't sure what to make of this Garth person but…he was friendly, and Castiel still had that homesick feeling stuck in his throat. He’d wanted to get away from his family so badly, but now that they were gone...Castiel turned and locked the door. He could finish working on his room later.

Garth turned out to be a treasure. He was friendly and cheerful,  _ almost  _ to the point of obnoxiousness. He'd come to a different orientation than Castiel had, so he had different friends who were as willing as Garth to take Castiel and Hannah into their circle.

There was Sam, one of the tallest and most earnest people Castiel had ever met. He was there on a scholarship and blushed whenever someone brought it up. Castiel was surprised to learn that Sam had only just turned seventeen. He looked older than that, plus he was in college. Sam blushed again when Garth referred to him as a genius. Sam’s roommate was the strange-looking Ash. Castiel couldn't stop staring at his weird haircut and he was so laid back, Castiel suspected drugs were involved.

Garth's roommate was a prodigy named Kevin, who  _ looked _ even younger than Sam, but was actually older. Castiel suspected that Garth would be good for Kevin, who seemed like the type to get obsessed with work, and in turn Garth would make sure Kevin stopped and took a break once in a while. Those two were a lifelong friendship in the making.

There was Jo, who was a little scary and more boisterous than Castiel was used to, but she had a good heart. Her roommate was Hael, the slip of a girl he’d met at Orientation the month before, who kept staring at Castiel. If she’d been a stranger it would have made him uncomfortable, but he sometimes had the same problem and he meant no harm, so he didn’t let her behavior perturb him. 

Kevin, Garth, Ash, Sam, and Castiel lived in the same dorm building; Jo and Hael lived in a different building. He was well on his way to having a surprisingly substantial group of friends when Hannah finally arrived. Her room was one floor down from him, and she was happy to meet his new friends. They accepted her as readily as they had him.

He'd been worried about being away from home but aside from his initial loneliness, being at school was great. His new friends and his classes proved to be, as he had hoped, exactly the distraction he needed. Even talking to Balthazar when he called - though Castiel still didn’t call  _ him _ \- became less strained. They were still technically dating, but Castiel questioned the point of the relationship. 

One night, as his roommate Jeff snored away, Castiel realized that he could finally break away and avoid Balthazar without having to try. He  _ wanted _ to do that. Being away at college, a five hour drive from home, gave them time to adjust to being apart.

Castiel liked Balthazar. Castiel appreciated everything Balthazar had tried to do for him, and how understanding he’d been that last night – Castiel’s mind shied away from anything more than glancing over what had happened – but Castiel didn’t miss Balthazar. He didn’t wonder how Balthazar was doing or wish that they were together at school. While Castiel cared for Balthazar, he didn't love Balthazar more than he did his family or his other friends. He certainly didn’t care for Balthazar as much as he cared for Jimmy…

He shook his head to clear it. Thinking about Jimmy hurt. But it felt...it was… Not thinking about Jimmy felt wrong.

Castiel couldn’t change the situation with his twin, but he owed it to Balthazar and to himself to figure out his feelings about his boyfriend. And the truth was...Castiel didn’t feel anything near the deep experiences he’d been lead to expect. The more he thought about it, the more Castiel was forced to conclude that, as he’d expected from the start, his relationship with Balthazar wasn't working. College gave him the perfect excuse, the perfect way to break things off. Balthazar wouldn't be able to follow him around like a lovesick puppy dog and, intentionally or unintentionally, wear Castiel down again by making him feel ungrateful.

That decided, he fell asleep and resolved to bring it up the next time they talked. He took the first opportunity that presented itself and it seemed to go well. Happily hanging up, Castiel went about the rest of the day more cheerfully than usual. That night, however, when he was in the middle of a rousing game of Settlers of Catan – seriously, who knew board games could get so exciting? Or vicious? – his phone rang. He excused himself and stepped aside before he answered.

"How could you  _ do _ that?" Inias’ voice was disbelieving and Castiel drew away from the phone for a second to stare at it in confusion.

"Hello, Inias. How are you?" Castiel prompted tentatively.

"Cas-ti-el…." His cousin sounded like he was speaking through gritted teeth. Castiel sighed.

"How could I do  _ what _ ?" Castiel responded to the first thing Inias said since he still had no idea what Inias was talking about. 

"You broke up with Balthazar!" Inias shouted. Castiel winced.

"I know."

"On his  _ birth _ day!" More shouting from Inias caused Castiel to pull the phone away from his ear again. Then the words registered and Castiel’s mouth dropped.

"I…what?"

"You didn't know?" Inias said incredulously. At least he was no longer shouting. 

"I had no idea." Castiel’s guilt flooded him. 

"Cassie, I thought you guys were happy together. Why'd you break up with him?"

"Inias…" Castiel sighed and rubbed at his forehead. He didn't want to have this conversation. He had no idea how to explain how he felt, no idea what to say. "I just…I like Balthazar. I do. But…it's just not  _ like _ that for me. I don't want him waiting for me to develop feelings that I’ll probably never develop. He needs to move on." Castiel paused. "And the fact that I didn't know it was his birthday…isn't that something two people who are in love should know about each other? This just proves we aren't meant to be."

"Ugh. Fine. Look, I’m not angry. Maybe...don’t try to be Balthazar’s friend at first? He’s pretty upset. Give him some space. And...make sure you never breakup with someone on their birthday ever again, okay? Especially if I know them."

"I'll try not to inconvenience you with my break ups again." Castiel didn’t bother telling Inias that Castiel had no intention of dating anyone ever again. Instead, he hung up and frowned. Guilt dimmed Castiel’s enjoyment of the evening, but he still felt as though a great weight had been lifted from him. When they talked, Balthazar had been understanding, but it must have been an act. Castiel hadn't meant to hurt Balthazar. No longer in the mood for a game, he debated whether or not he wanted to rejoin his friends.

Turning, he discovered Hael standing beside him.

"Are you okay, Castiel?" Among his new friends, she was the only one who used his full name. He shrugged and didn’t answer. What could he say? "Do you want to rejoin the game? I think it's your turn." 

He shook his head. "Tell the others to count me out. I'm going for a walk." Castiel needed to clear his head, needed some time alone. He’d only gotten as far as the stairs at the end of the hall before Hael rejoined him. He glanced at her in surprise.

"We don't have to talk, but I'm here if you want to," she said. He nodded and said nothing. Company was fine, as long as Castiel didn’t have to communicate. 

They left the dorm and walked circuits around the small campus, and Castiel forced himself to focus on the present, to focus on what was around him, instead of dwelling on the break up or his uncle or how broken he felt. He loved school. Chittenango was exactly what he’d wanted: not too big, not too busy. Instead of getting lost in the clutter of a larger school, he'd found a community, somewhere he felt like he belonged. His new group of friends were a band of misfits, people who wouldn't been popular in high school, just like Castiel and Hannah. The other students on campus seemed amused by their group, unsure what to make of them. His friends reveled in being themselves so freely - for perhaps the first time in some cases - and it was nice. 

He was broken from his musings when Hael spoke and reminded him that she was there. "How long have you known Hannah?"

"Almost my whole life. We went to elementary school together."

"You two are good friends, aren't you?"

"Yes. She's my best friend."

"It’s nice to have a best friend.” Hael’s tone was odd and Castiel couldn’t place it. It niggled at him though, that whatever emotion tinged her words meant something important. “Best friends tell each other everything, right?" He hesitated at the innocent question. Castiel hadn’t told Hannah everything. But that didn’t mean he’d  _ never _ tell her, right? Eventually, he’d share what he’d remembered with her. But not yet. He couldn’t do it now. But one day…and even if he never told her, that didn’t change their friendship, did it?

"Of course," Castiel said.

Hael shot him a strange smile that only graced her lips for a moment. 

"What did you think when she started wearing binders?"

"Binders? I don't know…what are you talking about?" Castiel tilted his head at her in confusion as she gasped, covering her mouth with her hands, eyes wide.

"Oh! Oh no...I thought...you said you were best friends, so I thought you knew and…oh my God! I'm a terrible person; she'll never forgive me for spilling her secret!"

"I don't understand..."

"Never mind. Forget I said anything. It’s none of my business." 

Was Hannah keeping secrets from him? What sort of secret could she possibly have? He wanted to ask her, wanted to pry so bad...what had Hael said about binders? What was a binder? Should he google that or would that be too invasive of Hannah’s privacy? Castiel certainly had things he wouldn’t want others sharing, so he dropped the matter despite his curiosity. Castiel spent the rest of the walk with Hael vaguely listening to her as he dwelled on Hannah instead. It worried him that he called Hannah his best friend, yet there was clearly something she hadn’t told Castiel, something he hadn’t picked up on but Hael had. What had he missed? He wasn’t just a bad  _ boy _ friend, he was a bad friend in general. 

Today was getting worse and worse.

He was grateful when he parted from Hael and the day came to an end.

Castiel kept busy with classes and attended regular get togethers with his friends. No one pushed him to date, which was great, though he thought Hael might be hinting at interest in him. Her awkward flirting made him uncomfortable. The only thing that made him more uncomfortable was that he’d yet to ask Hannah about her secret. If she wanted Castiel to know, wouldn’t she tell him? Yet she didn’t. She said nothing. It worried at him, but he forced himself to be patient. Maybe, like him, she wasn't ready to talk about whatever the secret was? Given the secrets he was keeping, he couldn't blame her, so he tried to put it out of his mind. Hannah would speak to Castiel when she was ready, just as Castiel would talk to her when he was. 

But that didn’t mean Castiel couldn’t keep a closer eye on her, try to figure out what was going on. If she was struggling with something, he wanted to be there for her. Castiel hoped he wouldn’t miss any signs or clues and would be able to help when the time came.

In the meantime, Hael hung out with him so frequently that he was considering coming up with excuses to avoid her and preserve a few minutes for himself here and there. The more often she showed up at his elbow, the creepier it got, but he was unsure what to do about it. Maybe he was overreacting. After all, Garth and Kevin constantly hung out together. Was that just what friend’s did?  _ Was  _ Hael his friend? Unsure if he was making too much of her behavior, he kept making excuses, until finally she did something so strange that he  _ had _ to ask Hannah about it.

"Hael was over last night,” Castiel said as he readied his paint palette – a Frisbee, which always amused him – and set out the colors he intended to use. “I wasn't feeling well so I said I wanted to go to bed. Hael went back to her own dorm, and I started to get ready for bed but Garth interrupted. We chatted for about ten minutes. Maybe longer. I kinda lost track of time - you know how Garth is. When I got back into bed, I had a text from her." He shuddered, remembering how weird it felt to see the message from Hael, hoping that Hannah would validate his interpretation.

"What did it say?" Hannah asked, rearranging her still life, trying to get a view she liked. Castiel pulled his phone out, queued up the text, and handed it to her.

_ HAEL: You said you were going to bed. What are you doing awake? _

It was Hannah’s turn to shudder. "How did she know you weren't in bed?"

"Apparently, she can see my window from her dorm room across the quad. She told me once, but I had forgotten. I didn’t think she could see much of anything from that distance and I didn’t think any more of it. I know it’s a small campus, but I hadn't realized I was that exposed. Since the curtains were open, when I opened the door, it was like I turned on a light - she could see that I was up. But it feels like she's spying on me. I don't know how to take this. I really was sick so maybe she was genuinely concerned?"

"I don't think that’s it, Castiel. There's something about her that makes me uneasy. I don't think I'm the only one to feel that way, either."

The teacher started giving out instructions for their next task, so they had to stop talking, but Castiel continued to wonder at Hannah’s words. When he asked her about it later, though, she just smiled and said she was probably reading too much into it, and refused to tell him what she might have heard about Hael.

Outings to the mall were a regular thing for Castiel and his friends, even though none of them had much money to spare. It killed time, and since Garth and Ash both had cars, they’d go and window shop and eat crappy food court food. Castiel wasn't much for malls, but he loved stopping at the bookstore and the pet store. As a bonus, the two businesses were on opposite ends of the mall, so Castiel got a nice walk going from one to the other. 

This visit, Garth and Sam were perusing the nerf weapons at Target, Castiel trailing behind looking at all the different toys they had for sale. Hael, as usual, had wedged herself between Castiel and Hannah. Hael followed Castiel’s gaze to the big, grey fluffy teddy bear wearing a blue floral bow tie. Matching blue lined its ears and the pads on its paws. It was adorable. Castiel thought Anna would like it, so he picked it up to check the price only to blanch at how expensive it was and set it back down. As they left the store, he couldn't help but take one last look toward the bear. Maybe next year.

During one of the rare moments when Hael  _ wasn’t  _ around, Castiel found a time to get to know Sam better. This led to being in Sam’s room, sitting on the floor by his bed, browsing through the stack of games he kept there.

“I’ve got more under the bed too,” Sam said. “You already know a bunch of these from when we get together to play, but we have so many more you guys haven’t tried yet.”

“Where do you find all these games? They’re so unusual.” Castiel ran a finger down the stack slowly, tracking each name. He didn’t recognize most of them. They certainly weren’t part of the classics his family kept.

“Dean finds them. Game stores, comic stores, Kickstarters; my brother just loves games. Bit competitive about it actually.” Sam sank down on the floor beside Castiel and took one of the games in his hands. “This one’s a favorite. Fun, easy to learn, and easy to travel with.”

Sam offered Castiel the game. Taking it, Castiel tilted his head to read the title of the game. 

“Fluxx? How do you play?” Castiel opened the box but there were no instructions inside. “How do you win? It doesn’t say.”

Sam laughed, “Yeah, it doesn’t. When you start, there’s only two rules: draw one card and play one card. We change the rules as we play, and there’s no way to win until you make one. But Dean’s managed to win on the first turn a few times. It’s not likely but it can be done.”

“That sounds awfully confusing.” Castiel handed the box back and Sam placed it down, reaching for another.

“Honestly, it’s a lot less confusing than you’d think. Just follow the cards. It’s better the more people you have.” Sam handed him a bigger box, “Here, this one’s a lot more complicated but it’s a lot of fun too.”

“Dominion?” Castiel looked up from the box to raise an eyebrow at Sam.

“It’s a deck building game. Pick a theme, pull out the appropriate stacks and then try to get the most victory points before the end of the game.” Sam put it back down. “Dean’s pretty good at that one, too. He’s pretty darn good at a lot of these actually. 7 Wonders, Cartagena, Settlers, Risk, Dixit, Lords of Waterdeep, Ticket to Ride…I could go on. But growing up, that was one of our things, you know? Every Sunday we’d hold a little game night no matter what else was going on in our lives, so we could spend quality time with each other. It was Dean’s idea.”

“Are you and your brother close?” Castiel asked curiously.

“Yeah. Him and Uncle Bobby are all the family I’ve got. Because of that, Dean’ll do pretty much anything for us, even if it meant he went without something he wanted.” Sam shook his head fondly, “How about you?”

Castiel shrugged, “My family’s pretty big. I have one sister and fo – multiple brothers.” Castiel didn’t want to bring up Jimmy, didn’t want to talk about him right now because if Castiel mentioned his injured brother, Sam was sure to ask what happened. “My father had quite a number of siblings as well, so I also have many cousins. My mom’s side isn’t  _ quite _ as big, but it’s close.”

Sam leaned back on his arms, “Wow, I can’t even imagine a family that big.”

“There are times I wish there were fewer of us. We go to family events and sometimes I don’t know some of the relatives there. It doesn’t faze Gabriel, though. He just fakes it and hugs everyone we come across, figuring they gotta be family,” Castiel smiled, “That did backfire on him once. Apparently, a cousin brought a friend and when Gabriel hugged him, the guy whispered ‘I’m not related to you…don’t worry, I don’t know anyone either. I won’t tell.’”

“You’re kidding me?” Sam laughed, “That’s hilarious!”

Castiel laughed too, pulling another game towards him, “It’s true. So yeah, huge family, but they’re  _ mostly  _ good people. I count myself lucky.”

That wasn’t the first time, nor the last time, that Sam talked about his brother. After a while, Castiel almost felt like he knew this man he’d never met. Sam’s love for his brother was obvious with every word he said. According to Sam, Dean was the kindest, most generous, most self sacrificing man in the world. Surely Sam was seeing things colored by his own affections, but if Dean were even half the man Sam described, Castiel wanted to someday meet him.

Finals came and went. Castiel did better than he had expected. The end of finals meant Christmas vacation. Since he and Hannah attended the same college and lived within walking distance of each other, his mother and her parents had decided to pick them both up together. 

Castiel had mixed feelings about going home. He’d happily stayed on campus for Thanksgiving - he’d heard that most campuses didn’t allow that, but theirs did and Castiel had been relieved to be spared a large family gathering that would inevitably include family members he didn’t want to see, like Lucifer, who was dating April and had decided to bring her along. Hannah had stayed on campus during Thanksgiving break too. Castiel wasn’t sure why she hadn’t wanted to go home, but he suspected it had something to do with her secret. They’d convinced their families that it was okay by pointing out that it was a lot of driving for such a short vacation. 

For Christmas they had no choice but to go home. On the one hand, it was great to be away from Hael. Though she was nice, sometimes Castiel thought Hael was trying to isolate him from his friends. On the other hand, he dreaded going home for the same reasons he’d been reluctant on Thanksgiving. Too many expectations awaited him there. He didn’t want to see the assholes in his family, didn’t want to see Uncle Zach’s children. He was afraid to see Balthazar again. And he was certain that Gabriel would attempt to corner him again about…he swallowed and pushed the memories away.

Then, of course, would be the family outing to go see Jimmy. Hannah understood. She'd gone with Castiel many times over the years. Visiting Jimmy was terrible. Castiel was certain that Jimmy would never recover. Even if, by some miracle, Jimmy did wake up, they'd be virtual strangers. Jimmy would be a child trapped in a man's body, and Castiel had grown up. What would they have in common? What would they talk about it? Castiel had never been good at dealing with difficult social situations. That had been Jimmy’s strength. With Jimmy gone, Castiel had to learn to fend for himself. When he was honest with himself, Castiel had to admit he wasn’t sure if he wanted Jimmy to ever wake up. 

God, he was selfish. Guilt washed away the idea. That wasn't true. Of course Castiel wanted Jimmy to wake up, but he was scared of the wedge that the years would have driven between them. 

Thankfully, vacation was less than two weeks long. He managed to avoid Balthazar – it wasn’t hard, he thought Balthy might be avoiding him right back – and he contrived to not be alone with Gabriel. 

As for the trip to see Jimmy at hospice...it was depressing, like it always was, but it wasn't as bad as some past years had been. 

This time, no one reminded Castiel that what happened to Jimmy wasn't his fault, and Michael didn't lecture him. His mother didn't drape herself over Castiel and sob that she at least had one of them alive and well. Gabriel didn't try to wake Jimmy up with a prank buzzer and Anna didn't cry the entire time and Samandriel didn't give him sympathetic, knowing looks. 

So that was all good.

But even without the reminders, when Castiel was in the same room he couldn’t pretend that it  _ wasn’t _ his fault that Jimmy was hurt. Castiel hadn’t wanted to go to the baseball game, so he and Jimmy had switched places. If not for that, Jimmy would never have been in the car with their dad. Castiel  _ should  _ have wanted to go. His father had been so excited to take Castiel to the game, called it “bonding time.” Dad had tried so hard to connect with his children, taking each out separately to get to know them better. But Castiel hadn’t wanted to go, so he and Jimmy had switched places.

It could have been – it  _ should  _ have been - Castiel lying dead to the world in this room. Instead of wondering if he was broken, he would  _ actually  _ be broken. Jimmy would have been normal, could have had the normal life that Castiel was incapable of having.

After the rest of the family had their chance to speak to Jimmy’s apparently lifeless body, they left the room, giving Castiel time alone with his twin. Normally, he didn't see why his family bothered, but this time, Castiel couldn’t keep silent. Jimmy couldn’t hear a word he said, but Castiel told Jimmy about college, and his new friends and, in a quiet voice, about that disastrous last date with Balthazar and what he'd remembered.

"God, Jimmy…I hope I was the only one that Uncle Zach…what do I do? He's dead but…should I say something? What if I wasn't the only one? And do you think that maybe…maybe it's why I'm so messed up?" Castiel had to stop talking as a lump formed in his throat and tears welled in his eyes. "I hope to God he didn't touch you. But I guess I'll never know, will I?" Castiel fell silent and sat watching his brother for their last moments together, then stood and brushed the hair away from Jimmy’s face. He leaned down for a one sided hug and, feeling even more emotionally drained than usual, left the hospice with his family.

Castiel was relieved to return to college after break. Hannah was in the midst of saying her goodbyes to her parents – Naomi had foisted off the driving on Hannah’s parents - and so he grabbed her suitcase. He’d scarce hoisted it to his shoulder when a loud rumble caused him to turn around, curious about the source. An enormous black vintage muscle car pulled into the lot and, to his surprise, Sam got out of the driver's seat. The passenger side door opened seconds later and a tall dirty blond man in a leather jacket leaned across the roof of the car to grin at Sam.

"Not bad, Sam," the man said with a hint of pride.

Sam snorted. "Don't  _ 'not bad' _ me, jerk. That was better than  _ your _ first try. Uncle Bobby gave thanks to all the Gods when he finally got out of the Impala after you drove it." Sam tossed the keys over the car and the other man easily caught them, and then they both stepped away from the vehicle and slammed their doors closed. Sam reached through the open window for his backpack, only to be interrupted as the other man pulled him in for a brief hug.

"Promise me you'll think about it, okay, Dean?" 

Oh! So this was Sam's older brother. 

"Yeah, yeah. I'll do it if Charlie agrees." Dean sounded reluctant but a smile tugged at his lips; the apparent contradiction confused Castiel.

"Yes!" Sam pumped his fist into the air before he caught himself, embarrassed.

"Hey, I didn’t say I’d  _ definitely  _ do it!" Dean yelled as Sam walked away and caught Castiel’s eye. Suddenly aware that he'd been staring, Castiel shifted, look away, and reached down to pick up the remaining suitcase in Hannah’s parent’s trunk. 

"That's what you think, jerk!"

"Bitch!"

Castiel blinked in surprise at the insults as he heard the door of the car creak open and slam shut again, followed by the rumble of the engine starting up again. Sam came to join him, smiling and shaking his head over whatever Dean was trying to avoid doing.

"Hello Sam. How was your vacation?" Castiel asked.

"It was pretty awesome! I think we've just about convinced Dean to move out here. Uncle Bobby's starting a second garage and needs someone to run it. Dean doesn't think he can manage his own place, but he practically runs Bobby's garage already." As Sam spoke, his gaze followed the muscle car as it pulled out of the parking lot. Despite the insults the brothers had traded, Sam sounded pleased at the possibility of Dean living closer.

"That sounds nice." Castiel paused, and then pushed on. "Sam, I must admit, I heard some of your conversation. I don't understand why the two of you insulted each other." 

Sam laughed. "Yeah, I don't know. It just started one day and it's this inside joke now…and to be fair, my brother  _ is  _ a total jerk.” Castiel still didn’t understand, but Sam offered no further explanation and asking again felt like it would be weird. “So how was your vacation?"

"Oh, um, it was…it was alright. I'm glad to be back." Castiel fidgeted.

"I know what you mean. I love my family, but there's something about being at school that’s so freeing. I hope my brother comes, then he'll get to experience it himself."

"Did your brother not go to college?" Castiel asked, surprised. 

"Dean doesn’t think he’s smart enough to go. Instead, he got a job and worked his ass off so I could go. I'm hoping if he lives in the area, I can get him to take some classes. He deserves it, you know? He's smarter than he thinks he is."

"You think very highly of him," Castiel observed.

Sam beamed, but before he could continue, Hael joined them, worming her way between them. Sam looked down at her, but she only had eyes for Castiel and didn't see the look of annoyance that crossed Sam’s face. Castiel did and it surprised him. He thought Sam liked everybody. Sam shot Castiel an apologetic look.

"Sorry, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later Cas."

"Okay, Sam." Castiel had scarce finished speaking when Sam walked away, his long legs carrying him quickly. Castiel looked back at the small woman beside him, uneasy for no reason he could put his finger on.

"Hello, Castiel." Hael smiled up at him.

"Hello, Hael," Castiel responded automatically.

"I was wondering - I heard a new restaurant opened up over vacation and I am dying to check it out. Would you like to go with me?" There was something off about her tone. That happened when he spoke to Hael disturbingly often, but Castiel couldn’t pin down the problem.

"That sounds nice." 

Hael missed his dubious tone and replied brightly, "Great! We can walk over together. How's six tonight sound?"

"Um…." Castiel floundered. He hadn’t realized she meant immediately. Then again, he wouldn't want to miss out on their first group activity together after they all got back. Castiel wanted to hear about all of his friends’ holidays. "Sure, I suppose that works for me."

Still beaming, she scampered off. That was a surprise. He’d been worried she'd follow him around all day again. Hannah was finally done saying goodbye to her parents, so Castiel walked with her, dropped her bags off at her room, then returned to his room. To his surprise, half the room was vacant; all of his roommate’s personal belongings were gone.

Leaving his door open so he could catch his friends as they returned – maybe one of them would know what had become of Castiel’s roommate - Castiel put away the few things he'd brought home and then pulled out a book to read. 

It wasn’t until Garth got back that Castiel discovered he was the only one going out with Hael. 

"Dude, I heard they require reservations," Garth said.

"You know what that means, right?" Kevin was far too excited for the conclusion he had drawn, as Castiel came to the same, horrible realization.

"You're going on a daaaaate!" Garth and Kevin sang. Castiel sighed and dropped his head on his desk.

"Kill me now," Castiel said. Gathering his resolution, he got up.

"Wait, where are you going?" Jo asked.

"It would be rude not to show up after I agreed to go with her. I am going to pretend that this isn't a date. I'm not interested in dating Hael. I’m not interested in dating  _ anyone _ . When the opportunity arises, I’ll make that clear to her,” Castiel explained, exasperated.

"You're a better man than I," Ash said, looking up from the laptop he’d plugged in at Castiel’s roommate’s desk."You want us out of your dorm, man?"

"Don't worry about it. Just try not to destroy anything while I'm gone."

Castiel left amid the myriad sounds of assent from his friends, dread slowing his steps. Far too soon, he arrived at her room and knocked. She answered wearing a dress and heels, and Castiel thought she might have put makeup on. God, she really  _ did _ think this was a date. Swallowing and praying that he didn’t hurt her too badly, he stopped her before they could get moving.

“Hael...you know that I’m your friend, right?” Castiel offered slowly.

“Of course,” she answered brightly, not picking up on his tone or troubled expression.

“But...that’s it, Hael.” Swallowing nervously, Castiel pushed on. “I want you to know that, if you thought this was a date, I’m sorry, because I wouldn’t have said yes if I’d known you thought that way. I’m still willing to go with you to dinner, since you went to all the trouble, but only as a friend.”

Instead of answering him, or showing that she understood, Hael pulled a bag out of her large purse and handed it to him proudly. He looked down at the bag in confusion, then back up to her face. “I don’t understand.”

"I saw you looking at this, and how disappointed you were when you couldn't buy it," she explained, smiling expectantly. He continued to stare at her, his confusion deepening. With a sigh, Castiel opened the bag, peered inside, and discovered the teddy bear he’d been thinking of giving to Anna. Hael was  _ still _ smiling at him expectantly. What the hell was he going to do? He never wanted the bear for himself…but he couldn't give away a gift someone else gave him, could he?

As he stared at it, stunned, unsure how to react, Castiel felt her hand brush his arm. Looking up at her, he tried to step back when he saw how close she was to him. Standing on her tiptoes, Hael closed the distance, her other hand reaching out to grab at his head and bring him down so she could kiss him. In his surprise, he didn't resist, but as soon as their lips made contact, he jerked away.

"HAEL! Stop!" Castiel shouted desperately.

"What? Why?" She looked at him, genuinely confused.

"Because I'm not...this isn't...this isn't a date!" he spluttered.

"But I asked you out to dinner, and you said yes! Of course it's a date. I thought you liked me?" Her eyes narrowed, and that suspicious, unknown  _ something  _ was back in her voice.

"I don’t like you like  _ that _ , Hael. I’ve been trying to  _ tell _ you! You’re my friend. I had no idea this was a date until I was talking with the others and they told me they weren’t coming. I only came because I didn't want to stand you up. I'm sorry if my behavior led you to think I wanted this. I don't, and if I knew what I had done to make you think that, I would never have done it."

"So all this time you’ve only been spending time with me out of pity? Would you rather I was Hannah?" Hael bit out.

"What?" asked Castiel, puzzled.

"I'm not blind. You're closer to her than anyone else here. Too bad she doesn't feel the same about you." The bitter sound of her voice cut him.

"What are you talking about? She's my best friend, yes, but I have no idea what she has to do with…this." Castiel waved a hand between them. Hael glared at him.

"It has  _ everything  _ to do with ‘this;’ You like her, don't you? Too bad she doesn't like you back, will  _ never _ like you back. She doesn't even like being a  _ woman _ . There's something  _ wrong _ with her." Hael’s voice was venomous and it took him aback.

Castiel's head whirled. He had expected Hael to be mad, but he’d thought she be mad at  _ Castiel _ . Why was she lashing out at Hannah? None of this had anything to do with Hannah!

A gasp to his right reminded Castiel that that they were in the hallway of the dorm. They’d gained an audience, a bunch of strangers that Castiel didn’t know, some of their mutual friends...and Hannah. Horror painted Hannah’s face, tears barely held back as she turned and ran. Ignoring the onlookers, Castiel glared at Hael.

"However Hannah feels about herself or her body, that doesn't make her  _ wrong _ , and it doesn't change that she's my friend, my  _ best _ friend. We’re done, Hael. You’re  _ not _ my friend. I don’t want anything to do with you. And you’d better not go near Hannah either," he growled. Turning away, ignoring Hael’s angry reply, Castiel chased after Hannah, the crowd making room for him silently.

Hannah was fast and she'd already made it down the stairs and to her room. She must have realized she was being followed, because she slammed the door on him. Castiel had wasted precious seconds chastising Hael. Knocking on Hannah’s door, hoping she’d answer and give Castiel a chance to explain himself, he couldn't decide if giving Hael a piece of his mind had been worth it.

There was no answer and he knocked again, then tried the handle. He knew it would be locked, but he hoped…but no, the hope was dashed.

"Hannah? Are you alright? Please, let me in," Castiel called through the door. There was still no answer and he knocked louder, starting to panic. She'd never shut him out before and he was afraid of what that meant. Normally, if she needed space, she'd ask for it and he backed off. Something was different this time. He had the feeling that they  _ needed _ to talk and that he shouldn’t leave Hannah alone with whatever thoughts were rampaging through her mind.

"Hannah? She was wrong. There's nothing about you that would make you wrong. You're still my best friend and I just want to help, but I can't if I don't know what's going on." He leaned his head on the door, "I'll leave if you want me to, but please…just, just say something to me, Hannah. Let me know you're okay."

The door opened and he stumbled forward, catching himself on the doorjamb. Castiel could just see her face, streaked in tears. 

"You might not like what you hear, Castiel." Her voice was low and thick with emotion.

"I'm not going to judge you, Hannah. You should know me better than that. Please help me understand what's wrong - what's going on - so I can help." She gave a shaky nod and pulled the door open wider so he could slip inside.

They stood silent for a few moments. Castiel stared at her and she looked down and away, a hand wrapped around her chest and clutching her arm in a defensive posture he'd never seen from her before. 

"Hannah?" His voice cracked. He hated seeing her look so broken.

"Have you ever looked in a mirror and not recognized yourself? Ever wondered who that person staring back at you was? Ever looked down at your own body and wondered why it didn't look right or feel right? Cause I've  _ always  _ felt that way," Hannah whispered. "I feel like I was born wrong and…this is not who I was supposed to be. I’m not supposed to have this...this  _ feminine  _ body. This isn’t me!" Her voice rose and she spat the last words out viciously, a sob threatening to break behind them.

Castiel looked her over, the short hair, the slight, flat-chested build, the button up shirt and vest, the slacks and bare feet. She looked like…well, like Hannah. He'd never thought about her in terms of gender before. While intellectually he knew she was female he always just thought "Hannah." Looking at her now, he realized she looked more boyish than other women her age. Had she been cultivating that look purposely? Should he have noticed sooner?

"How long? And what does that mean?" Castiel asked tentatively, unsure of his footing. He didn’t want to upset Hannah further.

"Since puberty. And it means…” Hannah took a deep, fortifying breath, “I want to have a sex change, but I can't afford it."

"Have you talked to your parents?"

"Of course," she scoffed. "They refuse to listen. They don't approve. I feel like I'm...I'm  _ trapped  _ in here." She buried her face in her hands and he crossed to her and pulled her into a hug. She shoved him away, though, and covered her face; he let her. Castiel didn’t want to smother her, or touch her if that was unwelcome to her. 

Him. 

Wait.

"What should I call you?" Castiel asked. Hannah lowered her -  _ his _ \- hands, revealing the tears running down his face. He looked at Castiel incredulously.

"You…you mean you don't…you don't care?"

"Why should I? You are  _ you _ . As I’m me. Didn't you say something about that once?" More realizations hit him. "You were giving me advice for me, but it was coming from you - you felt that way because you were dealing with all of this?" Hannah nodded. "Then doesn't it hold as true for you as well?"

Hannah threw his own arms around Castiel. "My name is still Hannah; it's a unisex name."

"Is it? I thought it was a girl’s name?" Castiel nearly hit himself in the head for saying something so stupid except that both his arms were occupied with Hannah.

"That's a western thing. There are men in Europe who still use it. And it's...comfortable...it's worn and it's…me. I just prefer to be…" Hannah took a deep breath, "I prefer to be referred to as male. But I'm afraid to tell anyone…I don't exactly look…what if…" His breathing grew harsh again. "What if our new friends won't…won't accept…?"

"I'll help you. You tell me what I need to know, what I need to do, what you need to do, and I'll help you. Other than Hael, I don’t think they’ll care, though I can’t guarantee that they won't ask a million questions." Hannah huffed a laugh.

"They are rather inquisitive, aren't they?" He smiled weakly and Castiel nodded. "Okay…okay, Cas. Thank you. For this - for all of this. It's…I've been doing this alone for so long. I was so afraid, after my parents said the things they said…I know I should have been able to talk to you but I was just..." Hannah trailed off, but his meaning was clear. Castiel let the silence stretch out, offering wordless comfort until Hannah stopped crying. When Hannah had calmed down, when his arms fell away, Castiel guided him back to his side of the room and sat with him on the bed, grateful that Hannah’s roommate was currently out.

A timid knock interrupted the quiet and Hannah pulled away, wiping his eyes. Castiel looked over at the door as whoever was out there knocked again. Castiel could hear someone shuffling outside and he looked a question at Hannah, who nodded. 

Castiel stood up, crossed the room, and opened the door slowly. A group of their friends were outside: Jo, Sam, Kevin, Garth and Ash. Jo took a breath and spoke first.

"Is she, er, is Hannah okay?" Jo asked. Castiel wasn't sure how to answer so he glanced at Hannah, who nodded and gestured to let them in. Castiel closed the door behind them. Hannah looked at the floor and gulped before looking up at his friends. Castiel was pleased to see that they looked confused or curious, rather than angry or offended. He’d chosen his new friends well, with the exception of Hael. Castiel hoped for Hannah’s sake that their friends remained welcoming once they knew the truth.

No one spoke. Cursing himself, Castiel tried to think of something to say. Castiel wanted to help but didn’t know how. He was so stupid; how could he support Hannah if Castiel couldn't even help him come out to their friends?

"Okay, this is ridiculous!" Jo blurted. "We want to make sure you're okay but we're also confused. What was Hael talking about? Why were you so upset about it? I can tell you, there are times I hate being a woman and any female post-puberty who says they don't is lying."

That broke the tension as little laughs filled the room. Hannah snorted his own watery laugh and wiped his eyes.

"It's more than that, Jo.” Hannah visibly steeled himself for his next words. He was obviously nervous as he said, “I feel like I'm in the wrong body, that I'm the wrong sex. I've done what I could to help me feel more comfortable in my skin, but I don’t know if I'm doing it wrong, but I don’t feel any better...What I’ve done isn’t enough but I can't afford anything permanent, at least not right now."

"We'll help," Sam said.

"You will?" Hannah sounded surprised and Castiel’s heart ached for him.

"Of course we will," Garth said, as everyone nodded.

"There will be a learning curve - we’ll need some time to adjust - but you're our friend, even if we haven't known you as long as Cas has," Kevin said earnestly.

"I think we need to engage RESEARCH MODE!" Garth yelled.

"And I'll beat up anyone who gives you any problems," Jo growled, rolling up her sleeves. Everyone laughed again.

"You…all of you are…thank you. I don't know how to repay you." Hannah gazed at everyone in relieved disbelief.

"Just be you, Hannah. Now. What do we need to know?" Sam asked.

They spent the rest of the night talking and researching. Ash retrieved his laptop from Castiel's room so they could look things up. There was a lot to learn, more than they could cover in one night, but it was a start. Hannah looked much better, much happier, to Castiel’s relief.

During one of the lulls, someone asked about Hannah's absent roommate. 

"Rachel has a boyfriend,” Hannah explained. “She stays with him most nights. I think he lives in your dorm, Jo."

Jo got a thoughtful twinkle in her eye. "Damn, I hope so. That would be perfect. I'm gonna ask to switch roommates. There's no way I'm staying with Hael after this! Hannah, could I be your roommate?" Hannah stared in amazement and then nodded and grinned.

“That really would be perfect, Jo. Thank you.”


	5. Sam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...you might have noticed a chapter heading pattern.
> 
> It is not what you think.
> 
> I know the first few chapters have been the names of the people Cas has dated or has wanted to date him. But that's just a coincidence. The chapter titles are actually the people who have a particular impact or the most important impact on Cas _for_ that chapter. So, no Sam and Cas - sorry guys!
> 
> Also, I initially planned on giving Hannah his own chapter but since his story winds up weaving throughout every chapter along with Cas's story, that became impossible.

Summer arrived much sooner than Castiel wanted. He wasn't looking forward to going home, which most of his new friends didn't understand. Unlike the short breaks at Christmas and Easter, Castiel and Hannah went home separately since neither family had a vehicle large enough for all their belongings. If they weren't art students, it would have been easier. At least they didn’t have to deal with furniture.

Hannah was even more worried about going home than Castiel was. With the help of Castiel and their mutual friends, Hannah had been transitioning to male pronouns and finding ways to look more masculine. Spring semester, he'd been happier than Castiel could recall seeing his best friend in quite some time.

Hannah was the first to leave and their friends made sure to say goodbye to him, Castiel going last. Arms wrapped tight around Hannah, Castiel whispered so that Hannah’s parents couldn't hear Castiel’s words. 

"If anything goes wrong, you come get me, or call me, or whatever you need to do. My mom will help. I'm sure of it. She had no problem trying to hook me up with Balthazar; helping you is scarcely different and she's always liked you." Hannah nodded into his shirt before pulling away and getting into the car.

If anyone thought it strange for them to be saying such an intimate 'farewell' when they'd likely see each other again in a few hours, no one mentioned it.

The others had mostly dispersed after their goodbyes. Some returned to their rooms to wait for their families, and those that had cars hit the road. Only Sam and Castiel remained in the parking lot watching Hannah's parent’s car drive away.

"You're really worried about him, aren't you?" Sam asked. Castiel nodded. "Hey, um, Dean and I have got something in the works. I'll write to you about if it comes through, okay? But uh, he’s looking to move out here, get a place for both of us. Maybe he can find one big enough, for more than us, if you guys are interested?”

Startled, Castiel stared at Sam. He blinked. “What? Really?”

Sam gave a small laugh and rubbed at his neck. “Yeah, really. It’s not set in stone yet, but I’ll let you know if it works out. What do you think? About not living in the dorms?”

“I think that’s...wow, I mean, thank you for asking, Sam.” Castiel tried to answer and Sam’s face fell.

“But you’re not interested?” Sam cast his eyes downward, his tone flat.

Castiel hastened to answer, realizing the mistake of his previous phrasing too late. “No! I mean, yes! I’m interested, and I think Hannah would be too, it’s just...this is overwhelming. Are you really serious?”

“Yeah, man; I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t.” Sam heaved a sigh of relief. “I know Hannah couldn't ride with you because you guys have too much stuff, but if Hannah can't get back to school because of his parents, you call me. I'm pretty sure I can arrange a rescue. My brother loves road trips." Castiel shot him a grateful grin and Sam answered it with one of his own, clapping Castiel on the shoulder.

"Thank you, Sam. You and…you  _ all  _ have been such good friends to both of us. I wish it was the start of the next semester already so we wouldn't have to scatter to the four winds for the summer." Castiel sighed and Sam gave him a look.

"You don’t want to go home either, huh? Is it that bad?"

"It's not…bad, per se. I don’t have the same problems with my family that Hannah has with his. My family is understanding and supportive, but there are other things at home that I don't want to be reminded of. It's okay, though. I'm used to it." 

He followed Sam up to Sam’s room and together they carried Sam’s belongings downstairs, saying their farewell to each of their friends as they left. The more time passed, the more people left, the more worried Castiel became. Gabriel was late. His stomach twisted but he pushed it away as best as he could, helping Sam to distract himself.

“Hey, you okay?” Sam asked. Castiel started and looked a question at him. “Well, you’ve been checking your watch a lot.”

"Oh! Yes, I'm fine. Just wondering when my brother will get here."

They set down the last two boxes of Sam’s books and moved to sit on the wall by the door. Despite the smile Castiel gave Sam, Sam’s brow remained furrowed with concern, but before he could say more a loud rumble interrupted them and Sam whipped his head around to watch a black car pull up, breaking into a relieved grin.

"Dude, my brother’s here! C'mon, I'll introduce you."

Reluctant, afraid he was intruding despite Sam’s invitation, Castiel followed. The car door creaked open and Dean stepped out. This time no leather jacket obscured his form, but he made no other concessions to the hot weather, still wearing dark blue jeans and heavy boots and a long sleeved plaid shirt over a black tee. God, he must be roasting in that. 

Dean and Sam engulfed each other in a hug as Castiel stood back to allow them their moment. Finally they drew apart and Sam stepped to the side to draw Dean's attention to Castiel.

"Cas, this is my brother Dean. Dean, this is Castiel."

"It's nice to meet ya, Cas, I've heard a lot about you." Dean stepped forward and held out his hand. With no little surprise that Sam had discussed him with his brother, Castiel took it and shook the warm hand briefly.

"It's nice to meet you as well. Sam talks about you often."

"Don't believe any of it – it's all lies." 

Castiel drew back, confused.

"I…don't understand." He looked between the brothers. "Sam doesn't lie. Why would you say…" He heard a snort from Sam and saw that he was repressing a grin. "Oh.  _ Oh _ , I see. Right, all ’lies,’ got it." Dean snickered as Castiel made air quotes. "I'm sorry; I guess I still don't get it," Castiel admitted mournfully, dropping his hands to his sides.

"It's okay, Cas." Sam turned back to Dean. "We're still trying to educate Cas on some of the finer points of social interaction. I think we're making progress though." Castiel sighed, mortified that he had to be taught better how to deal with people.

"Hey man, don’t be upset. That quote thing you did with your hands was adorable. Don't ever change, 'kay?" Dean smiled warmly at Castiel. Unsure how to take that, Castiel just nodded. Dean turned back to his brother. "Place is looking pretty empty. You ready to go, bitch?"

"Yeah. Cas helped me bring all my stuff down so it's all right over there."

"You mean I don't have to climb any stairs? Awesome." Dean grinned at Sam and Castiel.

Sam laughed and the two of them headed towards his bags and boxes. Castiel startled them when he followed and picked up a box.

"Cas, you've already helped so much, you don't have to do more..."

"It's okay, Sam. I'll help you load the car."

"Thanks." It didn't take long for Sam's belongings to fill the trunk of Dean’s large vehicle. He didn't have nearly as much stuff as Hannah or Castiel, since he was a humanities major instead of an art major. As the trunk was closed, Dean looked around uncertainly.

"Dude, it really is pretty empty here. You must be the last one left. You want us to wait around?"

"No, it's okay. My brother should be here any minute,” Castiel couldn’t help but look at his watch again, “Actually, he's about an hour late." Castiel had been trying  _ not _ to think about how late Gabriel was. Terrible scenarios played out in Castiel’s mind, but the most likely explanation - he kept telling himself - was that Gabriel had gotten sidetracked by some stupid road-side attraction.

"Which brother?"

"Gabriel."

"Aaah, the prankster."

"That’s the one." He’d hardly finished speaking when two arms grabbed him around the chest and a weight dropped onto Castiel's back. He stiffened and his eyes widened in alarm until a voice rang out loudly – too loudly – in his ears.

"Cassieeeeee! You're talking about me to your friends! You must miss your big brother soooooooooo much." Gabriel’s voice was very welcome and Castiel’s fears finally died away. 

That didn’t stop him from rolling his eyes, however. "Gabriel, you're heavy. Please get off me."

Gabriel's arms dropped immediately, and he stepped beside Castiel. "You sayin' I'm fat?"

"I'm saying you eat a lot of candy and you know how to turn yourself into dead weight." Castiel held back a grin, trying to keep his face as serious as possible. It was a comforting game between them.

"Well, you’re not wrong. So! I'm Gabriel Novak." Gabriel stuck his hand out. Before either Sam or Dean could accept the offered hand shake, Castiel grabbed his brother's palm and pulled the buzzer off his fingers. His brother pouted and Dean laughed. "You spoil all my fun, Cassie."

"That's not fun. That's annoying. You'd think you were my  _ younger  _ brother, I swear. This is my friend Sam and his brother Dean."

"Do you both go to college here?"

"Nah, just the genius here." Dean leaned over and ruffled his brother’s mop of hair and Sam glowered.

"Hey! Stop that!" 

Gabriel laughed as Sam struggled to free himself.

"I think I like these guys. Okay, you get my seal of approval." Gabriel beamed while Castiel rolled his eyes yet again.

"Well, we gotta get going," Dean said regretfully, "It was nice to meet you both. Especially you, Cas."

"Um, thank you. Nice to meet you as well." Castiel was confused. What had Dean meant by that comment? They'd spoken for less than five minutes. Before he could ponder it further, Sam stepped forward and spoke quietly, edging Gabriel out of the conversation. 

"Remember, you or Hannah need a rescue, just call me, okay?" Sam’s attempt at a whisper was laughable. Judging by the eyebrow that Gabriel quirked in their direction, he’d heard every word, but his brother didn’t say anything.

"I will," Castiel promised. Sam pulled him in for a quick hug, which surprised him so much he nearly didn't return it. They separated and the brothers walked back to their car as Castiel turned to his brother.

"Why were you late, Gabe?"

"I stopped off because I just had to check out this weird Mystery Spot. Figured it'd be full of gags, and boy was I right! You’d love it."

"But you were late! You must have known what I'd think when you didn’t show up..."

"Shit…I didn't even, I'm sorry…" Gabriel's face was horrified at the realization and Castiel knew that it hadn't been on purpose, but Castiel was still upset about the stress that Gabriel had caused him.

"If you want to stop to sightsee, I'm not going to say you can't. But we’ve got cell phones, Gabe! You could have messaged me and let me know so that I wouldn’t think that...you know, that something  _ bad  _ happened." Castiel gulped past the lump in his throat. Gabriel was here and he was safe. Castiel should be relieved, but instead, he couldn’t help remembering Dad and Jimmy’s accident. They’d been running late, too, and nobody had thought anything of it until Naomi received the phone call. 

Gabriel took Castiel by his shoulders, his voice soft and apologetic. "My phone is broken. It was supposed to be a really quick stop! I'm sorry, little brother. I didn't mean to make you panic."

Castiel nodded and pulled away. "I kept myself busy enough that I didn’t dwell on it much, but I'm glad you weren't any later. Sam and Dean were just leaving and then I'd have had nothing to distract me from..." 

Gabriel's voice was solemn and sad and sincere when he spoke again, "I really am sorry. I won't do that to you again. I should have known better." The hug that Gabriel bestowed on Castiel was more genuine and heartfelt than earlier.

Having talked it out with Gabriel, Castiel was able to calm down during the many trips up and down the stairs as they took Castiel’s belongings to the car. Gabriel muttered about "-  _ modern inventions called elevators? Would it fucking kill them to invest in a few _ ?" and Castiel smiled. As annoying as Gabriel could be, and as much as Castiel dreaded being home all summer, he really did love his brother.

They left Chittenango, calling to their mother to let her know the updated time frame of their return. Gabriel hung his head as she chided him over the phone. Sometime later as they drove, after they’d exhausted talk of home and school, Gabriel said, "What did your friend mean when he talked about a rescue? Is there something I should know?"

Castiel groaned and looked out the window. As he had suspected, Gabriel  _ had _ heard what Sam said earlier. How awkward. He didn’t want to lie to Gabriel but…maybe this was a good starting point. Hannah would be 'coming out' once he got home and so it would no longer be a secret. Since Castiel was planning on offering emergency sanctuary, this would be a good time to get a feel for Hannah’s reception at the Novak household. If Gabriel was cool with Hannah, that would help immensely.

"Is something wrong?" Gabriel insisted, flicking his eyes away from the road to Castiel and back again.

"No, not for me. Hannah could have some problems. He was…well, we’re worried about how his parents will react." There was a couple of beats of silence after Castiel finished speaking.

Gabriel opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again. "Did you say…"

"Yes." Castiel kept it simple. Simple would be best, right?

"Huh." Gabriels tone was...actually, Castiel wasn’t sure  _ what  _ it was. 

"Will this be a problem?" Castiel avoided looking at his brother.

"Pft, I can’t see why." Gabriel briefly let go of the wheel with one hand to wave away Castiel’s concerns before quickly placing it back. 

"Do you think mom would…do you think she'd have a problem with it?" Castiel pushed, hesitantly.

"I sure as hell hope not!" The vehemence lacing Gabriel's tone startled Castiel.

Castiel turned to look at Gabriel in surprise. "Huh?"

Gabriel sighed and glanced over. "I've been getting suspicions about Alfie lately but he won't talk to me…I feel that this could be a good thing, with Hannah. If Alfie sees the support  _ Hannah  _ gets, especially if Mom helps out, then maybe he'll open up. And if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But I don't think I am. I think he's hiding a part of himself away and it can't be good for him."

" _ Samandriel _ ?" Castiel was stunned. Gabriel chuckled at Castiel’s reaction. "But he's so young…" he mused. Then again, Hannah said he’d known since puberty...

"Yeah, our baby bro…baby sis? Who'd have thunk it, right? But honestly, I don't think it'll be a problem. If we need to get Hannah, then we get Hannah. And if your friend can help us get her – er, him - back to school, that’d be awesome too." Gabriel gave Castiel another sidelong look. "This has been good for you, for the both of you, getting away from home. You've really opened up. Whatever happens at home, you and Hannah both have my support. And if I'm right about Alfie, he'll need our support too."

Castiel nodded. "Of course I’ll be there to support Samandriel! Just like I would be there for any of you..."  _ Except maybe Michael _ , he thought idly, but he squelched it. Whether or not Michael liked Castiel or was kind to him, he was still Castiel’s brother.

"Awww, I knew you loved me, Cassie!" Gabriel batted his eyelashes and Castiel snorted softly. With the truth out between them, they talked about Hannah, and Alfie, and everything that Castiel and his friends had learned while trying to help Hannah.

Eventually, the conversation wrapped around enough that Castiel asked the question that had been burning in him since Gabriel mentioned their brother, “What’d I miss?”

“Huh?” Gabriel asked.

“With Samandriel – what did I miss? Hannah’s my best friend and I didn’t notice anything. But Samandriel’s my  _ brother _ and I  _ live _ with him. What did I miss?” Castiel insisted.

“I don’t have a good answer for you.” Gabriel sighed. “I dunno, all of what I’ve got is so…flimsy...but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that maybe there’s something there, that it all adds up to something. It’s a lot of stereotypical bullshit but…for one, I’ve caught him on the computer, and he looked mighty guilty he tried to hide whatever it was he was looking at.”

“He could have been looking at porn.” Castiel frowned at Gabriel. Teenage boys looking at porn was taken as normal. Even Castiel had looked at porn, though he hadn’t enjoyed it.

“Not our Alfie! He’s more innocent than you! At least you’ve been on dates,” Gabe protested.

“He’s just a kid, Gabe. Don’t push.” Castiel glared at Gabriel.

“Aww…I’m not gonna do that. You wound me!” Gabriel exclaimed.

Castiel’s eyes narrowed, “You did with me. The whole family did, when it came to Balthazar.” 

Gabriel let out a quiet, “Oh,” and Castiel shifted uncomfortably.

“What else? That’s hardly conclusive, Gabe.”

“No, I know, I know but…” Gabriel was silent a moment, thinking, “Look, like I said, the things I see are all…little things. Things that shouldn’t matter. Probably wouldn’t, taken individually. But all together…” he trailed off, flexing his fingers around the steering wheel. “I caught him trying on wigs once…and it wasn’t at the Halloween shop,” Gabriel rushed to explain, cutting off Castiel before he could do more than open his mouth. Castiel snapped it shut again.

“Right, uh, what else? Passing the girls department, I caught him staring at the dresses  _ more _ than once. And…other things.” Gabriel waggled his eyebrows and Castiel rolled his eyes. “And I don’t think it was for Anna, either. You don’t check out some of the stuff he was looking at for a sibling, if you know what I mean.” He made a suggestive gesture over his chest.

“God, Gabe, can you be any more crass?”

“Look, you wanted examples, I’m giving examples. Anyway, it’s not like guys can’t have long hair - I’m thinking of growing mine out, as a matter of fact - or wear dresses or whatever they want but…” Gabriel shrugged. “Oh! And he asks Anna like, a million questions about makeup and shit, and lets her use him as a model.” Gabriel slowed for a turn, checking the road and turning on his blinker. “I dunno, what do you think?”

“I think that…it’s very circumstantial. There could be any number of reasons for Samandriel’s behavior.”

“Yeah, I know.” Gabriel heaved another sigh, “I keep going around in circles on it. It’s why I mentioned it, to be honest. I need a second set of eyes.”

“Well, I’ll keep my eyes peeled but…” Castiel said dubiously. “I’m not sure what to look for. Have you tried asking him?”

“Nah, thought it might scare him if I did. You know how timid Alfie is…”

“Not  _ that _ timid,” Castiel argued. “He’s not as out there as you are but that doesn’t mean he’s  _ timid _ .”

“Just keep an eye out, will ya?”

“Of course.”

Both of them fell silent after that. The only sounds were the quiet engine of the car and the low playing radio. Castiel reflected on what Gabriel had said. He wasn’t an expert on gender and sexuality, even though Hannah had come out to him. From what he knew, the reasons, the signs for each person were different. There was no one way to point at someone and say, “Aha!”

All the little things Gabriel had noticed were stereotypically gender biased things. But Castiel was right, there was more than one explanation for such behavior. Castiel would watch his youngest brother as Gabriel had asked but he already had the feeling that the best way to find out the truth would be to ask Samandriel straight out.

Hours later, Castiel's thoughts still circling around Gabriels ‘evidence’ and the best course of action, they pulled up to the house after dark and Gabriel tugged the parking brake.

"I'm glad you know about this stuff.” Without any sort of attempt at context after hours of silence, Gabriel picked up where they’d left off, correctly assuming Castiel would understand. “You're more knowledgeable about this L G B T Q alphabet soup thing than I am. I couldn't care less what gender anyone is. To each their own, right? So if Alfie has questions, I’m sending him your way, yours and Hannah’s. Now, you ready to beard the lion in its den?" 

Castiel rolled his eyes. He did that a lot around Gabriel. "Really Gabriel, Mom isn't that bad –"

"Oh, I wasn't talking about mommy dearest. You've been gone most of a year, little bro, and the littles have been missing you. Now that you're home for the summer, I don't think you're escaping Anna and Alfie unscathed." He grinned and Castiel laughed.

"They're not that bad, Gabe."

"Nah, they're good kids," Gabriel agreed. “Let’s do this!”

Castiel had hoped everyone would be asleep when he got home, but it was not to be. Despite their phone call, Naomi would have worried about how long it took them to get home. Anna and Samandriel launched themselves at Castiel as soon as he walked in the door with his duffel, leaving the rest of his belongings in Gabriel's car to be brought in the next day. Naomi pulled Castiel into a warm, tight embrace. Her relief was obvious.

“Welcome home,” she whispered. Castiel returned the hug with a smile.

As much as Castiel had dreaded returning home, he was still happy to see his family. The start of summer was mostly uneventful. While Hannah’s family was displeased, a rescue did not prove necessary - at least not yet. Castiel worried, though. Hannah’s parents refused to change how they referred to him, and their relentless non-acceptance wore on him. He took refuge at Castiel's house often, and despite Castiel’s fears, Naomi was fine with Hannah and didn’t object to the pronoun switch.

A few times, Castiel thought he saw Samandriel hovering around them as if he had a question, but he never said anything. If Castiel wasn’t mistaken, there was not only the expected curiosity showing on Samandriel’s face, but also hope and longing. Castiel tried to find ways to encourage Samandriel to speak up, but none of Castiel’s subtle hints produced a result. Castiel didn't push. He knew what it was like to feel rushed into things before he was ready.

To his surprise, about halfway through the summer, he received an actual, physical letter from Sam. Castiel had exchanged emails and texts with his friends throughout the vacation, and even a few calls, but no one used snail mail. Gabriel thought it was hilarious. He stood in the doorway of Castiel’s room, idly flipping the thick envelope liberally decorated with stamps over in his hands. Castiel looked up at his brother uncertainly.

"Sooooo, you got a letter, Cassie," Gabriel said with over-blown curiosity.

"I did?" Castiel’s eyebrows furrowed with confusion.

"Yeah. Who writes  _ letters _ in this day and age? I mean, isn't it a thing of the past?" Gabriel flipped the envelope around again.

"Maybe their internet cut out and they had too much to send via text?" Castiel offered. "Not everyone has the most reliable internet, you know. Some areas of the country have crappy connectivity, and bad cell phone service, too."

"Hmm…maybe. I suppose. Unless it’s a  _ loooooove _ letter." Gabriel smirked. 

Castiel huffed, unamused. "Who's it from, Gabe?"

"Oh, that guy Sam, the one I met when I picked you up, right? Winchester?" At a nod, Gabriel continued. "You sure there's nothing going on between you?"

"Positive. May I have my letter now?" Castiel asked in a weary tone.

"Fine!" He flicked it carelessly to Castiel and wandered off, shutting the door behind him. Sliding a thumb into the crease of the envelope and ripping it open, Castiel pulled out the many sheets of papers folded inside. There were several stacks, but one of them was labeled " _ read me first _ ," so Castiel set the others aside and followed Sam’s instructions.

_ "Dear Castiel, _

_ It's official! I will no longer be living in the dorms starting this fall. Dean found a place in town, walking distance from campus, and we're moving in next week. Dean got it for a steal. You wouldn’t believe it! And it’s paid in full too! It's way larger than we need. I think he picked a big house on purpose.  _

_ I'm writing to you and to Hannah to see if you want to move in with us. And you don’t have to worry about rent. I know you’ll think that’s crazy but we mean it. I’ve included a list of things you can contribute to, as well as house rules and a contract. Read them over and let me know what you think! _

_ There are 4 bedrooms: one on the first floor and three on the second floor. There's a finished attic that we can modify if needed for an additional bedroom, and there's a finished basement that we plan to use for communal gatherings and study sessions and whatever. The bedrooms are small, but they aren't much smaller than a dorm room. There’s a floorplan among the papers I sent. You and Hannah should take a look and let me know what you think. I sent him a copy too. We're giving you two first dibs on space with the idea that, unlike the rest of our group, you two might need an escape from the dorms. Also, you’d have the option to stay for breaks, including summer vacation, if stuff happens and going home becomes too much to deal with. I mean, if we have to even consider the possibility of rescuing you, we're thinking you need someplace safe to live. _

_ It’s just an idea. I can't wait to hear from both of you. _

_ Your friend, Sam _

Castiel looked through the other documents Sam had included. There were two copies of the floor plan - one blank and one scrawled over with diagrams and ideas for how to lay the house out. There was also a copy of the deed and the other documents Sam had promised to include. Reading everything over, Castiel was definitely interested, though he was still reeling at the idea that Sam had thought him a close enough friend to offer something like this.

Castiel was still sitting there, overwhelmed, when there was a quiet knock on his door. He set the papers down and answered, not surprised to see Hannah on the other side, clutching a similar thick envelope. Castiel smiled and let him in, shutting the door to give them privacy.

Hannah couldn’t miss the papers spread out on Castiel's bed and he grinned. "What do you think?" Hannah waved the envelope excitedly.

"I think…I think they're crazy! But I'm honored that they'd think of us…”

"I want to do it. I've never felt more comfortable than when I was at college. I mean, I knew coming home wouldn't be easy, but I hoped that my parents would at least  _ consider  _ accepting me as I am, but they won’t. I’m so scared. They could refuse to let me go back to school. They could cut off financial support. They've already threatened to disown me if I ‘persist in this farce'. I can't take it anymore. I won’t pretend to be something I'm not, even if they cut me off, but I felt like I had nowhere to go. I was actually considering playing along, just so I’d get to go back to college. If I could live with Sam and his brother..."

"Then let's tell Sam yes. You have a scholarship, right? We could both get jobs, and I bet Mom would be willing to give me a share of the money she'd save from not having to pay for the dorms. I can't believe they don’t intend to ask us for rent. What they’ve proposed is more than fair, like, ludicrously so."

"I know! It’s nuts! I would say it's too good to be true, but it's  _ Sam, _ " Hannah stressed the name like it explained everything and, really, it did. Castiel nodded agreement and flipped to the floor plans.

"Dean has claimed the master bedroom on the first floor. It's his house, so that makes sense. That’ll give him a semblance of privacy, and he’ll be able keep tabs on us. That might be a selling point to our parents, since outside of the dorms, we won’t have an RA to ‘keep an eye on us’." Castiel pointed at the map, neither he nor Hannah mentioning how poorly some of those RA’s did their job.

"I've heard a lot about Dean from Sam. Sam thinks very highly of his brother," said Hannah.

"I met him before we left school. He seemed nice, but, well, five minutes is hardly enough to go on. But I trust Sam."  The more Castiel thought about Sam's proposal, the more he liked the idea. When Sam had suggested that this might be an option at the end of the school year, it had seemed like an impossible pipe dream. Now, it seemed like a truly exciting possibility. Judging by the smile on Hannah's face, he felt the same way.

"So that leaves the bedrooms on the second floor and the attic rooms. How many people do you think Sam is inviting?" Hannah flipped to another page, then spread the pages out so they could see the entire house at once.

"I think it’s the entire kit and caboodle, as Gabriel would say. See, Sam has written names for each bedrooms. There's you and me, Jo, Ash, Garth and Kevin – someone named Charlie?" Castiel looked up. "Have you heard of a Charlie before? That name sounds familiar." Hannah shook his head.

"Looks like Sam has Jo bunking with Charlie in one of the second floor rooms. That’s weird, I didn’t think Jo had a boyfriend. She didn’t when we left school. Have you heard anything?” Hannah asked. 

Castiel shook his head. “No. Not that I know of, anyway. But...” Castiel frowned in thought. “I think...oh! Sam mentions her sometimes when he talks about home. Look, Sam’s put himself in a room with Garth and Kevin...he’s our host, shouldn’t he have his own room?" Castiel pointed out the room assignments on the second floor.

"Agreed, Sam should get his own room. We’ll fight him on that if we have to - knowing him he’ll say he doesn’t need it. That leaves one second floor room and the attic area. If everyone who Sam invited says yes, that’ll be a tight squeeze. I’d be glad to room with you, Cas. Do you think Sam would let us take the bedroom?" Hannah pointed at the map as he spoke and Castiel leaned over, nodding. They looked up at each other.

"So…we're doing this?" Castiel asked. Hannah nodded firmly and Castiel broke into a grin. "Next question. Do we tell Sam we're in or do we talk to our parents first?"

"My parents will never go for it. Since the house is within walking distance of campus, maybe they could drive me to the dorms and then we can hike my stuff over after they've left?" said Hannah optimistically. Castiel frowned. "What?"

"I don't think that would work. They'd wonder why they weren't bringing your stuff up to a room like last year," Castiel pointed out.

"Damn,” Hannah looked crestfallen. “You're right. Plus, there’d be no way to avoid explaining why they were suddenly not paying for my room. I guess I didn’t think that through. What about your mom?" 

"I think she'd be okay with it. If she can save money on the deal…” Castiel trailed off. “Let’s get some more info from Sam first, so we can present the whole thing at once." Really, he was just too excited  _ not  _ to talk to Sam first. They looked at each other, grinned, and Castiel grabbed his phone. He dialed Sam's number and, as the phone started to ring, put it on speaker so Hannah could hear as well.

Sam answered and started speaking before Castiel could even say hello. "Hey, Cas! You got my letter?" His voice was hopeful and Castiel’s grin grew even wider as he looked at Hannah.

"I did! So did Hannah. We think you and your brother are crazy, but pending parental approval, we're in," said Castiel loudly and clearly. His speaker phone distorted everything.

"That's awesome! Have you thought about what room you’d want? What did you think about my ideas?" Sam sounded like he might be bouncing in place and Castiel laughed.

"Well, Hannah and I think you should get your own room for sure, and I know it might be a tight fit, so Hannah and I thought we could room together? Bunk beds would help. Do you think Garth, Ash, and Kevin will mind sharing that attic room?" Castiel asked.

"Well, Ash backed out, so it'll just be Garth and Kevin. It’s a big room - honestly, they’ll probably be the most comfortable of all of us, and the ceilings are almost regular height. So as long as they're careful, there shouldn’t be too many head bumps, and since they were already roommates, they know they can live together comfortably. Guys, this is gonna be awesome!"

“Sam, who’s Charlie? Did Jo get a boyfriend?” Castiel asked.

“What? No! Charlie - she’s a friend of Dean’s, and kind of like a sister to us.” Sam laughed as he realized his mistake. “I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you who she was.”

“That’s all right,” Castiel answered. 

"Sam...are you sure your brother doesn’t want  _ any  _ rent money?" Hannah asked. His voice still held the disbelief both of them had expressed before they’d called Sam.

"If you guys want to toss money at us….Dean might accept it, or he might toss it right back. He wants to help. And he hated living alone last year.” Sam’s voice got quiet. “Aside from Uncle Bobby and Charlie, I’m all Dean’s got, and having me gone really wore on him. So, I mentioned Bobby was thinking of opening a second store? Dean agreed to manage it and he bought the house. But he didn’t want to take me away from my friends - so this was his solution."

There was silence as Hannah and Castiel processed Sam's words. There was more to the story, they were sure, but it was none of their business. Castiel was reassured by what Sam said, though. It confirmed that they were under no obligation, and that they wouldn’t be a bother.

"So...when can we move in?" Castiel finally broke the silence with the question. Hannah broke into exuberant giggles.

"Anytime you want! We’re ready whenever - we moved last week. Just let us know when we should expect you, or if you need help or anything," Sam said.

"We’ll have to talk to our parents,” said Castiel, unable to keep grinning so widely his jaw ached. “Thank you, and your brother, so much for this." 

"Seriously, this means so much to me, _ "  _ said Hannah, so moved that tears pooled in his eyes. 

Castiel had a good feeling about this. His sophomore year of college was going to be  _ awesome. _


	6. Jimmy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Character death here! 
> 
> I wasn't sure how to tag this. He's not a major character, but he's definitely important.
> 
> Funeral at the end of the chapter.

As anticipated, Hannah's parents were dead set against him moving off campus. Also as expected, Naomi was supportive. Worried that the terms were too good to be true, she was wary and she demanded a chance to speak with Dean before she'd allow it. But their talk went well and Naomi relented. She’d seen how Castiel had thrived the past year, in large part thanks to the support of his new-made friends, and she wanted to encourage him.

However, whatever Dean said to Naomi to win her over didn’t work on Hannah’s parents, who refused to change their minds. Hannah insisted that no matter what they said, he was going to move in at Dean’s house.

It was Dean's suggestion to rent a small van so that he and Sam could help bring all of Castiel and Hannah’s things in a single trip. On the way, they could stop at places like the Salvation Army and Goodwill for cheap furniture. The only furniture Dean was providing was the beds. They’d time it so that they’d beat the rush back to campus, too, and get back to school a couple weeks before the semester started. Naomi agreed to the plan, but Hannah kept putting off talking to his parents about it.

A week before Sam and Dean were due to arrive, Hannah came over unexpectedly one night while Castiel was reading, walking right into Castiel’s bedroom and throwing himself on Castiel’s bed.

"Are you okay, Hannah?" Castiel turned from his desk, concerned. Then he noticed the backpack and he stood up, alarmed. "Shit, did they…?"

"Yeah. They kicked me out. Looks like Plan B is a go…" Hannah sniffed and threw an arm over his eyes, his mouth compressed in a tight line, lips moving strangely as he struggled not to sob. Castiel knelt by the bed, feeling lost. He had no idea what to say to make things better and he wasn't normally a “hug it out” kind of person. Uncertainly, he leaned forward and pulled a shaking Hannah close to him.

"Don't worry, you're not alone. I'm with you. My family is with you. Our friends are with you. I know it's not what you were hoping for, but you're not alone."

There was a quiet knock and then the door opened. Castiel looked up to see Gabriel and Samandriel standing there. Cautiously they stepped inside the room; Samandriel hovered by the doorway as Gabriel sat on the bed beside Hannah.

"So…want me to kick their asses?" Gabriel's remark produced a muffled, wet laugh against Castiel's shirt. "But seriously, I'll go over to your place and bring back anything you need. You tell me what you want me to pack up, and Alfie and I'll go get it - we’ll make your parents let us." Hannah gasped out another sob but nodded, though it took him a while to calm down enough to wipe his eyes and lean back and away from Castiel so he could talk. Gabriel and Samandriel waited patiently until Hannah was able to communicate.

"I've, um, I've packed all my college stuff already, and all the other stuff I didn’t want to lose. I thought this might be coming so I tried to be prepared. So every bag and box is ready to go…the few things I hadn't packed yet I tossed in the backpack before I left. I hope they let you in. I'm pretty sure they…" he took a deep breath, "I'm pretty sure they won't let me back into the house. They were, um...adamant."

"No worries, handsome. Alfie and I have got you covered, don't we, Alfie?"

"Of course," he squeaked from the doorway, eyes wide. As his brothers left, Castiel looked back at Hannah’s tear streaked face. Hannah was watching Gabriel and Samandriel leave, wiping the gunk off his face with a sleeve. Finally realizing something useful he could do, Castiel went and got a wet, warm washcloth from the bathroom. Hannah took it from him with a grateful smile.

"Castiel, I'm sorry, but I have a request. You've done so much for me, been there for me for a lot and, and it feels selfish to ask but…"

"It’s fine, Hannah. How can I help?” said Castiel encouragingly. Hesitating, Hannah closed his eyes briefly briefly before opening them again and staring at Castiel uneasily.

"I know I said it was okay to call me Hannah, but I've changed my mind. I want you to call me Hani instead. I…I tried Castiel, but…Hani feels more ‘me,’ and changing names will cause less confusion as I go forward. I'm sorry…I know this’ll be hard for you..."

Castiel's breath hitched and his eyes closed. He swallowed but nodded. "If that's what makes you comfortable, than that's what I'll do. I'm okay, I promise. Using that name does hurt a little. I’ll always think of Jimmy when I hear it. But you can't cut out that part of yourself either, Hani, and I'm sorry I made you feel that you had to hide it from me. What you need is more important in this case."

"You're too good for me." Hani sniffed again. "Do you want me to go with you when you go to see Jimmy before we leave?" Castiel looked down and away and shook his head.

"No, it's…I'm fine." He gave Hani a strained smile. "Unless you want to see him?"

"No, It’s okay. I know you prefer to see Jimmy by yourself," Hani said gently. Castiel smiled at him, sad but appreciative.

It took Gabriel and Alfie two trips and over an hour to collect Hani’s things from his house. After the second trip, the four of them stared at the car full of boxes and wondered if they should bother emptying it a second time since Hani would be leaving for school soon anyway. Naomi returned home while they considered, pulled into the driveway behind Gabriel, stepped out of her car, and quickly walked over.

"What's wrong?" Naomi asked gently. She noted the boxes in the car and looked over at Hani, who wouldn't meet her eyes. "Oh…sweetheart…" She pulled Hani into a big bear hug. Alfie stared at them both with wide, hopeful eyes. 

With Naomi’s input, they decided to leave Hani's things in the car because it would be faster to make the transfer to the rental van. They set up a sleeping bag for Hani in Castiel's room. With the two of them together, watching movies late into the night, it almost felt like old times, except that Jimmy wasn’t there. Hani stayed quiet for days, but his presence seemed to bring Samandriel out of his shell, and after a lot of consideration Castiel decided how to approach his brother. 

Samandriel had his own room at the end of the hall, so when Castiel was ready, he knocked. When Samandriel invited him in, Castiel slipped inside and shut the door as Samandriel watched him curiously.

"Hey, Cas."

"I think we need to talk about something." Castiel winced at how fast Samandriel's face blanked and his eyes filled with panic. "Look, Alfie." The boy started, used to Gabriel using the nickname, but not Castiel, "You don't have to be afraid." Castiel took a seat on the edge of the bed as Samandriel twisted around in his desk chair.

"If I’m wrong, ignore me, but Gabe pointed some things out to me and…I've been thinking he might be right. I want you to know that you can to talk to either of us whenever you’re ready. We're not gonna judge you or turn you away. Don't let Hani's circumstances scare you off. If this is something you really feel, I’m positive our family will be 100% behind you. Even Mom. I promise, she won't be mad." Samandriel gulped and ducked his head, peeking up at Castiel through his lashes.

"I'm...um…thanks, Cas. And, I know - I know that none of you will be angry with me or anything - but I’m...I’m not sure yet. About me."

"That's okay, too,” said Castiel, smiling. “While I was helping Hani I found some great online resources; I can send you some information if you want. Or, if you wanted to talk to someone, I could help you find a therapist who specializes in this kind of thing. Hani's looking into one up at the college. It's recommended for people like him, and maybe you?" Castiel dug in his pocket and pulled out a square of folded paper. “Here’s a couple websites to get you started. The other ones we found for Hani won't work for you, so we'd have to do some more research. Just say the word and I’ll start looking into it, okay?"

Before he'd finished the last syllable, Samandriel launched himself into Castiel’s arms, holding on tight. They embraced in silence for a few long moments before Samandriel finally pulled away and said, "Thank you."

The night before Sam and Dean were due to arrive found Castiel sitting alone in Jimmy's room staring at his twin. No one knew why Jimmy never woke up. His physical recovery had been rapid, and he’d been taken off life support soon after the accident, but despite being healthy, he never opened his eyes. Castiel sometimes wondered what his mother would have chosen to do if Jimmy had only been alive due to machines and tubes. Naomi hadn’t given up hope that Jimmy would recover. That he was healthy aside from the coma was both a good thing and a bad thing. He might wake up at any time, but Naomi might have chosen to pull the plug instead of watching Jimmy waste away if he'd been trapped on life support.

Rubbing at his face and taking a breath, Castiel started to talk. He told Jimmy about his and Hani's school plans and that they’d be leaving the next day. He talked about the changes Hani was going through. He mentioned Samandriel, and his and Gabriel's theory, and how they hoped to help their little brother-potentially-turned-little sister. He poured out everything he could, unsure when he'd next see his brother. Every time Castiel visited felt like it might be the last time. Unlike his mother, Castiel had long ago given up hope that Jimmy would recover. Finally, when he could think of nothing else to say, Castiel rose and unnecessarily brushed Jimmy’s bangs off his forehead. He leaned down for the one sided hug.

"See you, Jimmy. I'm sorry it's going to be longer between visits. I guess you’ll have to wake up so you can visit me, right?" He expected no answer, and he got none. Feeling drained, as he always did after visiting Jimmy in the hospice, he left and rejoined Gabriel. He was glad he'd managed not to make it a family affair and that Naomi had been too busy to bring him. He nodded at Gabriel that he was ready to go and they left together. Visiting Jimmy even left Gabriel quiet which, while out of character, Castiel was grateful for.

Usually, when he got home after visiting Jimmy, he'd crawl into bed and shut down for a few hours. The guilt and grief and feelings of uselessness overwhelmed him. But with Hani staying with him, there was no privacy in his room. He didn't want to kick his friend out, but he wasn’t in the mood for either conversation or company.

Normally a few hours of wallowing and he could manage to shove down his pain and function again, but Castiel had no privacy and no chance to rebuild the walls that kept him from constantly hurting. His mood grew increasingly sour, an itch under his skin for some alone time, and while he tried to avoid his family, when he couldn’t, he snapped at them and lashed out.

By the next morning, Castiel had gotten little sleep, he was even more cross than he’d been the night before, and it was a chore to put on a happy face to greet Sam and Dean when they arrived, though he did his best. His best was apparently not good enough, judging by the strange looks he received from his friends. He threw himself into helping load the van and got so lost in it that he didn't even realize when the others had stopped. He paused and realized that Hani was talking with the brothers, but their voices were low and he couldn't understand what they were saying.

Castiel closed his eyes and took a ragged breath. He'd been looking forward to this and now he was making things awkward and uncomfortable. He needed to get a grip on himself before he made Sam and his brother regret making their offer. Fortunately, to his surprise, whatever Hani had told them didn't invite questions and eventually he relaxed a little. With the van loaded, he invited the brothers in to eat lunch before they all left. Gabriel, Samandriel and Anna, all home during the day, joined them. Castiel introduced everyone while Gabriel ordered pizzas. 

At an amused look from Castiel, Gabriel said, "What? It's quick and easy. Everyone likes pizza and best of all, I won't set fire to the kitchen."

"Again," Castiel was quick to mention, laughing for the first time in what felt like days.

"Again?" Dean asked, surprised. "What did you do?"

"Hey, to be fair, I was 10!" Gabriel protested, placing the phone back on the hook.

"The first time," Castiel interjected.

"Wait, dude, how many times have you set fire to the kitchen?" The tone of Dean's voice was amazed and disbelieving.

"I can recall five occasions. He is no longer allowed to touch either the range, oven  _ or _ the microwave." Castiel manufactured excitement in an effort to stave off his foul mood

"The microwave?" Sam laughed. "How do you set fire to things in the  _ microwave _ ?"

"It wasn't my fault!” protested Gabriel. “Somebody--” Gabriel looked pointedly at Anna, who smiled innocently. “--broke the dish and replaced it with a foil-lined plate!" Dean joined in Sam’s laughter.

"Okay, I gotta hear this,” said Dean.  He dropped into a seat as Gabriel looked mock-offended. Without much coaxing, Castiel, Hani, Samandriel and Anna competed to share tales of the many times Gabriel had nearly burned the house down.

"He set a napkin on fire while making soup once. He dropped it on the burner – this is a gas stove, mind you – and freaked out, thinking he couldn't put it out with water because he heard that water makes kitchen fires  _ worse!”  _ Samandriel giggled _. _

"That was when I was 10! And hey! It's not like  _ you _ would remember, you were like 3 or something at the time."

"And then there was the time he tried to cook something in the oven and forgot to move the rack down," shared Anna gleefully.

"He put some muffins in the microwave for waaaay too long. The smell of burnt blueberries lingered in the house for days. I  _ still _ can’t stand blueberries," Castiel groused with a grin. "That was the second time he set the microwave on fire."

"Oh, remember the time he wanted extra butter on his popcorn?" Anna howled with contagious laughter. Even Gabriel chuckled, though he tried his best to look stern and offended. "I have no idea how...how he...how he managed it!" She breathed out around her laughs. 

"God, he burned the popcorn, he boiled the butter, and he melted the plate!"

"Melted the plate? Dude, what the fuck? How'd you manage  _ that?" _

"It was a heavy duty plastic plate," Castiel answered, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"You don't put plastic in a microwave!" Dean had to wipe his eyes, he’d laughed so hard that tears streamed down his face.

"What do you think Tupperware is?" Gabriel protested.

"Wait, you said he set fire to the kitchen five times right?" Sam turned an earnest, inquiring look on everyone. "Did you  _ overcook _ the popcorn or did you actually  _ set it on fire _ ?"

"Ah, yes _ , that _ was the morning he tried to make eggs for breakfast. There wasn't even anything in the frying pan when it went up in flames," Hani chimed in, having witnessed the event. The brothers stared in amazement, laughter continuing to fill the room with cheer.

"Wow, no wonder you're banned from the kitchen." It was halfway through his second slice of pizza that Castiel realized his bad mood had gone and he was feeling almost normal again. He idly wondered if Gabriel had let himself be roasted intentionally or if it had been accidental. Either way, Castiel was grateful.

After lunch, they piled into the van and started on their way. Driving with Sam and Dean was an entirely different experience than driving with his mother or Gabriel. They argued about the music that Dean liked to play with the good-natured insults that Castiel had seen the brothers exchange previously, and the drive itself was leisurely, with multiple stops visit roadside attractions and shop. They hit up several second hand stores and had decent luck finding the furniture they needed: a couple dressers, a handful of nightstands, a recliner and two lamps. They spent so long at the stores, and had set out so late in the day, that they wound up having to stop at a motel for the night, which Castiel and Hani hadn't expected, but Sam and Dean acted as if it were a given.

"It's a road trip, man, what’s the point if you don’t make a whole mess of stops at random places that look cool?” Dean explained as he pulled into the parking lot of a motel. He booked them a room with two king sized beds and then gave everyone a glare with the admonishment, "No hanky panky! We're gonna be sharing these beds and I don't wanna hear nothin'."

"So that means you want to hear something?" Castiel tilted his head at the man's grammar. Dean blushed.

"God, no. You know what I mean," snapped Dean. Sam snickered. They continued to exchange good natured conversation as they walked to a nearby diner and got a meal before crashing for the night. 

Castiel was unable to sleep. He hadn’t shared a bed with anyone since he and Jimmy were kids. Hani was his best friend, but sharing with him was nerve wracking and uncomfortable even though Castiel knew there were no expectations being put upon him.

Castiel was very tired when he climbed into the van the next morning and he dozed, his head knocking against the window occasionally. Groggily, he opened his eyes when the van came to a stop and he looked out into a yard. They were parked in the driveway of a decent sized house. The fence needed to be replaced, the house could use a new coat of paint, and some of the shutters were missing, but the yard was well maintained, the roof looked new, and it was obvious even to Castiel that the house was basically in good repair.

Hani was already climbing out of the van, glancing at Castiel to confirm that he was awake. Sam eagerly climbed out as well, leaving Castiel alone, sleep-fogged and looking out the window. Dean caught his eye and grinned.

"C'mon, sleepyhead. We're home!" Castiel returned Dean's grin with a small, dazed smile and fumbled at the seat belt for an embarrassingly long time, but he finally got out of the car. Before they could unpack anything, Sam dragged them on a tour of the house and pointed things out, Dean trailing along behind and noting anything Sam forgot in his excitement.

Thankfully, it didn't take long to unpack and settle in. With two weeks before school started, they had plenty of time. The routine around the house was easy to get into, and they even managed to find part time jobs, having beaten the rush of students who took all the available positions at the start of the semester. Hani was hired by a craft store, and Cas found a position at a gas station.

One by one, their friends, now housemates, arrived. Each time triggered a day-long celebration, but things went back to normal afterwards and Castiel marveled at how well they fit together as housemates. The lack of privacy was less of an issue than he’d thought it would be and, all in all, he adjusted quite well to living there.

This had been one of the best decisions he'd ever made, and a look at Hani made Castiel realize he wasn't the only one to think so. He also found himself getting to know Dean outside of Sam’s stories. Dean was…confusing to him.

Castiel already knew from his brief glimpses of Dean the prior school year that he was gorgeous, but he hadn’t expected to be so entranced by the man. Dean may or may not be the subject of 1 or 2 (or 5 or 10) ‘practice sketches.’

Of course, Castiel would deny it if asked.

But that wasn't all. Just the sound of Dean's voice or his laugh instantly made a dreary day less so. Castiel might have thought more on that if Hani hadn’t mentioned that he thought Dean had a fun, infectious spirit.

Castiel liked Dean, more than he had anyone else before, and sometimes he almost thought he  _ wanted _ Dean, but it was so different from what his friends described as sexual attraction that Castiel wasn’t sure.

They’d only just met. It was way too soon to be thinking anything like that.

The last night before classes started found them in the basement, decked out as an entertainment and game room. There were pizza boxes scattered around, and boisterous talk and laughter as they enjoyed their last night of freedom. The TV was on, but no one was paying attention. Dean's most recent story had captured their attention.

" – and then I had to ride my bike to the hospital with Sammy on the handlebars, cause the idiot thought Batman could fly!" The laughter was infectious, and even Sam laughed despite the glare he leveled at Dean. Castiel chortled.

Then Hani spoke, laughter in his voice, “Wow! Hey Cas? Remember when we got stuck in that tree and your brother Jimmy dragged the trampoline over for us with similar results?” Hani snorted. Castiel froze, his blood going cold. “Of course, the funny bit came afterwards, after Cas had come home from the hospital and…Gabriel…tried to…oh shit.”

Castiel swallowed, his face pale. He couldn't say a word. 

"Cas, you have  _ another _ brother? I’ve heard about Gabriel and Sam-whatever and Michael but I don’t remember you ever mentioning Jimmy..." Garth asked. Castiel's eyes flickered around the group. Hani was making a sign that Garth should stop talking that Garth was oblivious to, but everyone else noticed. They went quiet. 

They all stared at Castiel. 

Feeling sick, Castiel dropped his half-eaten slice of pizza on his paper plate, appetite gone, and stood up.

"Excuse me." His voice came out rough as he turned and walked to the far side of the room, trying to get his breathing under control. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut for a brief second. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay with his friends. But he also didn’t want to hear Hani talking about Jimmy.

"Jimmy was – is – Castiel’s twin brother. I...I shouldn’t have mentioned him. The three of us were close when we were -" 

Castiel catapulted up the stairs so he wouldn't hear anything else and headed for the front door. He needed to be alone, but with so many housemates, there was no privacy in the house. Shoving his feet in his shoes, he wrenched open the front door, stepped out, and pulled it shut behind him. He stopped for a second to just  _ breathe _ , and started down the block. He only got a few steps before he heard the door open and shut again behind him. He closed his eyes in frustration. He just wanted to be alone, dammit!

"Hey, are you alright?" It was Dean. Castiel froze, gave a silent, half hearted shrug and started walking again. "Can I walk with you? We don't have to talk. I get it."

Castiel said nothing and Dean correctly interpreted Castiel’s silence as assent. Castiel lost track of how long they walked, how far they went, even where they went. His feet worked on autopilot. Though Dean had said he wouldn’t talk, Castiel kept expecting him to break the silence. In Castiel’s experience, even when people said they wouldn’t talk, they did eventually anyway. Sure enough...

"Look, I can't pretend to know how you're feeling right now, but I know what it's like to lose someone. And if I lost Sam...I don't know, man, I don't think I'd handle it very well. I know it's not the same, but...I feel ya, dude."

He grunted in acknowledgement, appreciating the sentiment but not up to talking yet.

"Did Sam ever tell you anything about our family?" asked Dean. There was a pained note in Dean's voice that made Castiel look at him sharply with a raised eyebrow. He shook his head and Dean let out a slow breath. "So, um…Sam is the only blood relation I've got left. Uncle Bobby...he's not...he's not  _ really  _ our uncle, you know?" Castiel nodded. "Mom...she died in a house fire when I was four. Dad handed Sammy to me and I got out of there while Dad tried to save her. Newsflash, he didn't succeed. He got out, but she never did." Castiel stopped walking, his mouth opening and closing. He had no idea what to say. Dean took a few more steps before he realized that Castiel wasn't moving and he stopped too, but he didn't look back.

"Anyway, Mom was gone and Dad, well, it broke him, y'know? He was never the same, though he tried. For us, he tried. Held on for a few years, working with Uncle Bobby at the garage, and then one day he just…disappeared. Found out he'd made arrangements for Uncle Bobby to take us in and raise us, sold the house and put the money in a fund for me and Sam for when we were old enough. Bobby didn't tell us that till last year though." Dean ran a shaky hand through his hair.

"A couple years after we moved in with Bobby we got the call. Dad had been drinking and there'd been an accident. He didn't make it. I've wondered ever since if he had just…given up. If he wanted to die so he could be with Mom. I saw his life insurance policy after it paid out. If it had been suicide, they'd not have given us a dime. Which made me wonder if…if he would have tried if that hadn't been the case. Thank God no one else got hurt when he went…"

Castiel's heart hurt for Dean, distracting him from his own pain. Here was someone who understood a little of what he felt. Dean was right, it wasn't the same. But it wasn't a contest. Pain was pain was pain. Hurting together was less painful than hurting alone. Castiel stepped forward to be even with Dean again and put a comforting arm on Dean’s shoulder. 

"So yeah," Dean cleared his throat, "Sam's all I got left. I didn't know what to do with myself when he left for college, even though he didn’t move that far. If he were, ya know...I don't know what I'd do if…" Dean swallowed. "So I'm just saying, I don't know exactly how you feel but..." He floundered, trying to find the words he wanted.

"Thank you, Dean," Castiel spoke for the first time since they’d left the house. Dean relaxed at the sound of his voice. They smiled at each other - small, wistful smiles - and resumed their walk.

He was thankful that by the time they got home, the party had broken up, and no one spoke to him about Jimmy, either that day or in the days that followed.

Castiel’s second year was as fantastic as his first had been. Hani thrived as well. Everyone found switching to “Hani” easy, and Hani submitted the paperwork to have his name legally changed. He started seeing a therapist, prepared to pay for the various medical expenses with his part time job, but fortunately it wasn’t as expensive as Hani had feared because there were programs at the college to help pay for mental health services. There was talk of him starting hormone treatment but he was unsure in what order he should transition - hormones first or surgery first. It seemed there were pros and cons either way. It was Hani’s choice; Castiel had no advice to offer, but he quietly saved his pennies so that, whatever Hani decided, Castiel could help pay what the school didn’t cover.

When Hani admitted that he was considering top surgery, he was shocked to tears when everyone in the household supported him and offered to chip in.

"Dude, we're saving so much money on a place to live, we can spare some cash,” said Charlie. 

“It might not be a lot, but anything we can do to help," Garth agreed.

It would still be some time before the money was raised, a long time before Hani could get the appointments he needed, but it was a start. Knowing it was on the horizon made Hani happier than Castiel had ever seen him. Even the approach of Hani’s first Christmas without his family couldn’t bring him down. As Castiel packed for his own trip home, he felt bad, but he reminded himself that at least Hani wouldn’t be alone the  _ entire _ winter break. Sam and Dean would be home for most of it, only leaving to spend Christmas day with their Uncle Bobby.

Castiel missed his family and was actually a little excited for Christmas, but he dreaded the now-traditional holiday visit to see Jimmy. He also worried about telling his mother that he wished to stay in Chittenango over the summer instead of returning home. As he’d feared, she didn’t take it well; they argued for a month before she finally relented, forcing a few concessions from him in exchange: that he visit for a few days after classes were over, and that the family could visit him in return. That seemed fair to Castiel, so he agreed. He would need to warn everyone else who planned on staying at the house through the summer. His family could be a bit much sometimes.

Spring came along cold and wet. Even in early May it was still dreary, the landscape still wintry bare. Castiel didn’t mind; life was good. He was happy.

Until he wasn’t.

Michael called.

Jimmy was dead.

Numb, Castiel skipped his next class and headed back to the house. At that time of day it was always empty. Climbing the stairs to his room, he threw his backpack and portfolio on the bed, dropped to the floor and stared at the wall. Too many emotions filled his head. He felt sick. He felt sad. He felt relieved. He felt everything, and nothing, and so much that he couldn’t settle on anything, couldn’t feel anything but nauseous. 

It would be hours before Gabriel arrived to drive Castiel home. He supposed he should pack. Listlessly, he upended his bag and dumped the contents on the bed, packing it half-heartedly with the clothing he’d need for the trip home.

In half an hour, his housemates would start to get home. 

He couldn't deal with people.

He had to get out.

He dropped the bag back on the bed. He could snag it later when Gabriel arrived. In a daze, he left the house, barely remembering to lock it before he ducked out into a dreary drizzle. He set off at a brisk pace, desperate to leave the neighborhood before there was any chance of someone he knew spotting him.

He lost track of how long he walked.

When he finally came to himself, he sat on a low stone wall looking out over a graveyard. He snorted. Of course he’d walked to a damn graveyard. He took a breath, than another, each more ragged than the last. He was soaked with rain, cold, and clammy. He had no idea how long he'd been sitting there, or how long it had been raining so hard, but he was drenched. Some small, rational part of him thought he should be worried that he didn’t know how he’d gotten there, didn’t know what he was doing, but he couldn’t make himself care. 

He wanted to cry, to break, to sob, but he couldn’t. He didn't fight it; he simply  _ didn’t _ . The same thing had happened at his father’s funeral - he’d been dry-eyed despite his pain, despite Michael yelling at him, despite Jimmy’s injury. Castiel had only been 10. The feeling was agonizingly familiar. His chest was tight and his heart ached and his body shook, but no tears mingled with the rain running down his face.

A hand came down on his shoulder and a warm body climbed over the wall to sit next to him, the hand pulling back, pulling Castiel against whoever it was. He allowed himself to be tugged around, unresisting.

"Shit, Cas, you had us worried. We've been looking for you everywhere. Your brother's here." Dean's low rumble next to Castiel’s ear was surprisingly comforting, the warmth of Dean’s body pleasant, his proximity heartening. "I know this is hard, but you've gotta get out of this rain. You're gonna get sick."

"Not yet." His voice was gruff and low, rougher than he'd ever heard it before.

"Okay, man. Okay. I'll give you a more few minutes but then we gotta go." Instead of answering, Castiel just leaned into contact with Dean and nodded.

Castiel wasn’t sure how long it was before Dean finally rose and dragged Castiel with him. Instead of climbing back over the low stone wall, Dean guided Castiel towards the cemetery gate. They walked past the iron bars and towards the Impala, the only car in the lot. Letting Dean steer him, Castiel walked to the car and climbed into the passenger seat when Dean opened the door for him. Only when he was inside did he realize how wet and cold he was.

He shivered.

Dean ran around to the other side of the car and hopped in, slamming the door behind him and turning the car on with a rumble, cranking up the heat. He turned and leaned over the seat to snag something and when he turned back he dropped a blanket on top of Castiel.

"Sorry, that's all I got, but you can use that to try and dry off, I guess? I mean, it's not a towel, but it is cloth…" He shrugged and got the car moving. They drove in silence for a while. Castiel hadn't realized how far he'd gone and he wondered how Dean had found him.

"It's my fault, you know." Dean jumped as Castiel's voice, barely audible over the rumble of the Impala, finally broke the silence. "Jimmy's dead because of me."

"Cas, you – " Dean started. 

Castiel shook his head and cut him off sharply. "No! It's true. And everyone knows it." He struggled, gasped, unable to get enough air, and Dean slammed on the brakes and pulled over.

"Shit, Cas…you gotta breathe, man…"

"It was…we switched places…" Castiel stammered and shook, the cold enveloping him despite the growing warmth within the car. The blanket slipped to the floor. Dean grabbed his shoulders and pulled Castiel across the seat, wrapped around him tight, but Castiel couldn’t return the embrace, couldn’t feel Dean’s warmth. All he felt was cold. Dean held him more tightly, and heat finally broke through the ice, comforting and calming. Castiel eased into Dean’s arms.

"Cas, I'm pretty sure all twins do that…doesn't make it your fault that something bad happened." A hand rubbed across Castiel’s back, another threaded in his hair, pressed his ear flat against Dean's chest. He could hear Dean’s heartbeat. 

One beat.

Two beats.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Finally, Castiel felt like he was getting enough air in his lungs.

"It was supposed to be me, Dean." Castiel closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the volume of his own voice. "Most people forgot that, but Michael hasn't. Michael never will. He shouldn’t. It was my fault. It was supposed to be me."

"Who's Michael? Wait, that’s your…oldest brother right?" asked Dean. Castiel nodded. He was still cold, still shaking, but Dean was warm - so warm - and Castiel burrowed closer to Dean’s heat. The soothing strokes on his back paused, and Castiel instantly missed them, tensing up. After a moment’s hesitation, Dean resumed the movement, and ease flooded Castiel. Dean’s hand felt nice. Drowsiness lulled him, and though Dean said something, Castiel couldn’t understand him, could find no answer, and he dozed off.

Castiel came to slowly, his head pounding, to the sounds of people arguing. He thought the voices belonged to Dean and Gabriel, half-shouting, half-whispering nearby. The pain in Castiel’s head made their voices seem louder, painfully so, and he wished they’d go away.

"I don't care! Who the fuck was the wise guy who decided to break something like this over the phone in the middle of his fucking classes?" Dean demanded furiously.

"Don’t yell at me, 'cause I told the little shit  _ not _ to! I was already on my way and planned to tell Cassie myself." Gabriel’s voice was defensive and angry.

“Well, great--”

"Guys, I think Cas is waking up." That was Sam. Damn it. Did the entire house know? Were they all gathered around him? God, he hoped not. Castiel groaned and tried to sit up, holding his head in his hands.

"Hey, easy - easy, Cas." Hands steadied him as he sat up. He blinked against the glare of lights, faces swimming in and out of focus. Dean, Sam, Hani. Gabe. They had him surrounded, Hani on the couch beside him, Sam kneeling before him on the floor, Dean and Gabe sitting on the edge of the coffee table. The attention was unnerving. 

"You can all stop staring at me,” Castiel growled. “I'm not going to implode. I'm  _ fine _ ." He winced at another stab of pain in his head. "Well, let me amend that to, I'm fine except that I could use some aspirin."

"Got it." Sam jumped up and dashed off to the bathroom to get the aspirin and returned quickly, bearing the pills and a bottle of water. Sam handed them both to Castiel, who swallowed the medicine as everyone continued to stare at him. Cradling the bottle of pleasantly warm water in his hands, he glanced at Gabriel.

"When do we have to leave?" Castiel's throat hurt. Gabriel’s expression was apologetic.

"Mom expects us back tonight," said Gabriel. Before Dean could protest about how late it was, Gabriel cut him off. "Not my idea. Besides, it's up to Cassie. If he's not feeling well enough to travel, I'm not gonna make him. If he wants to stay here for the night and leave in the morning, we can do that. I'll call Mom and let her know not to wait up."

"My classes…" Surely there was some process for when things like this happened, some steps that Castiel had to take to be sure he didn’t get in trouble: tracking down his teachers, letting…someone?...know that he'd be gone. The university wouldn’t penalize students for losing family members...right? But he couldn’t think clearly enough to figure out how to begin finding out what to do, and he desperately wanted to avoid thinking about... _ Oh God _ . He gulped, shuddering.

“What about my classes?” Castiel finally managed after a few more shuddering breaths.

"Don't worry about it. I've got your schedule - I’ll talk to your professors and make all the arrangements," Hani reassured him. Castiel stared blankly through him and nodded. Of course, Hani would know what to do, and he'd be able to do it more effectively than Castiel could.

“I’ll help,” added Dean gruffly. As much as he protested that he wasn't a den mother, Dean took care of everyone in the house, seemed to thrive on having the opportunity to care for others. 

He was a good man.

Castiel smiled at him, and got an awkward half smile in return.

Castiel blinked and turned to Hani, realizing belatedly that if Hani stayed behind to arrange things for Castiel, then  _ Hani was staying behind. _

“You aren’t coming with us?” Castiel asked Hani, surprised and hurt that he wouldn’t be coming too, but Hani shook his head.

“This is a family moment,” said Hani gently. “I’ll mourn later. Don’t worry about me, Cas, I’m fine. We’re worried about you!”

“Yeah,” Gabriel said. “Damn worried. Mom’s kind of flipping out, to be honest. But we can stay here if you need time, Cassie…”

"No, I'm packed. Let's just...let's go," Castiel managed, nearly choking on his words. Gabriel nodded. Castiel tried to stand and stumbled; Dean caught him. The touch was familiar, pleasant, heartening, surprising. Sam handed Castiel his backpack and Castiel stared at it for a long moment before taking it. When had Sam fetched it? Castiel hadn’t even noticed. Taking it, Castiel took a step toward the door, but Hani put a hand on his shoulder and stopped him. His touch wasn’t nearly as nice as Dean’s had been. That meant something, but Castiel couldn’t focus on what.

"Before any of you go anywhere, Cas needs to change into some dry clothes," said Hani firmly. 

Castiel frowned down at himself and picked at his clothes. He was dripping on the floor, and there was a large wet spot on the couch where he’d been sitting. His trench coat was draped over a nearby chair above a growing puddle.

"I don't have another coat," he protested. “It’s fine, I--”

Dean rolled his eyes and interrupted. "Like one of us wouldn't lend you a dry coat. I'll get one for ya; you go get changed. All right?" Slowly, Castiel nodded, dropped his backpack to the floor at his feet and walked dazedly to his and Hani's room. Alone, he felt the cold harshly, and he shivered as he pulled his drawers open and pulled out whatever was on top.

It had been such a miserable spring.

Castiel was so miserable.

He wished Dean was there.

He took the clean clothes to the bathroom, grabbed a towel from the communal stack, stripped and dried himself off. He changed on autopilot, hardly aware what he was doing. He almost forgot to put his underwear on. After tugging his shirt on, he realized his hair was wrecked - pushed in every direction by his towel - and he swiped at it pointlessly at his hand. Whatever. It was good enough. He fished his phone, wallet, and keys from his pants pocket and dropped his sopping things in the hamper. 

His phone was soaked. Shit. Castiel swiped at the phone screen but it was dead. Dead...he'd charge it later. Hopefully the only problem was that the battery had run out of juice. At least his wallet was mostly dry. It had been in his back pocket. He’d been sitting on it.

Castiel stopped and stared at the bathroom door. Once he went out there, he’d have to face his friends again, have to leave with Gabriel. With a sigh, he went out and headed back downstairs. Gabriel was talking with Hani quietly while Sam stood off to the side. Castiel walked numbly to the door, not even registering that Dean had already returned with a mid-length black coat until he spoke.

"You can keep this if you want. It was a hand-me-down from a friend but it doesn't fit me anymore." Dean shrugged. "But it was too nice to toss."

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel took the coat and shrugged it on. It warmed him immediately. He tugged it down and fastened the buttons. Sam and Dean gave him awkward farewell hugs, and then it was time to go. 

Castiel kind of felt like he was going to his  _ own _ funeral.

The trip home was somber, rain pouring down on the car making a constant thrum that was the only sound for much of the drive. Castiel stared out the window and counted every time he saw lightning and listened for the answering thunder. Anything to distract himself. Headlights glared off the droplets of rain covering the windows and the wiper blades whirred continuously. 

Finally, he couldn't take the silence any more. "What happened, Gabe? I don't understand."

"Yeah, neither do we, Cassie,” Gabe sighed unhappily, “From what Mom told me, the doctors thought he might be waking up and then suddenly he crashed. He was stable - he’d been stable for so long! Sure he wasn't awake, and that made no sense either, but he was stable! I don’t understand what happened."

"It doesn’t matter,” Castiel said morosely. “Dead is dead." Castiel returned to looking out the passenger window.

"Cassie…" Gabriel trailed off with a sigh as Castiel hunched in on himself, using body language like armor to keep his brother from saying more. "Okay, I won't talk about it but…are you gonna be okay? There’ll be a funeral..." Castiel shrugged. There were no more words. 

It was Castiel’s fault his brother was dead. 

It should be Castiel lying in the coffin, not Jimmy. 

Michael had blamed Castiel, as he should.

Castiel would always blame himself.

At least it was finally over.

God, how  _ disgusting,  _ how  _ selfish _ , it was of Castiel to be  _ relieved  _ that his brother had died.

He was upset, of course.

Jimmy was dead and Castiel would never, ever get the chance to talk with him again.

Even  _ that _ was selfish. Shouldn’t Castiel be upset because Jimmy would never have a chance to live his own life? What Jimmy’s death cost Castiel didn’t matter.

If Jimmy were alive and Castiel was dead, things would be better. Jimmy understood  _ life  _ better, and he wasn’t selfish. He’d never carry the guilt that now crushed Castiel.

The rest of the trip passed in a blur, the quiet broken only when Gabriel tuned the radio to some weird polka station. Normally, it would have annoyed Castiel and he suspected that was why Gabe chose that particular music, but Castiel didn't say a word. 

It was after midnight when they finally pulled up to their house. The porch light was still on and  a glow flooding out of nearly every window. The driveway was crowded and cars lined both sides of the street. Gabriel was forced to park halfway down the block. Gabriel cut the engine and they sat in the car and stared at the house, the keys dangling from Gabriel's fingers.

"I'm not ready to go in there,” admitted Gabriel, “but I guess we'd better go face the fam." Gabriel turned to look at Castiel with an uncharacteristically earnest expression. "If you need to get away, let me know. I'm itching for an excuse to take off. And if you need someone to back off - and by ‘someone’ I mean fucking Michael - you come get me. I'll run interference for you. And remember…a few of the folks in there are actually concerned about us and actually care about us. You know who. They’ll also help keep the asshats away. So, basically, I'm just sayin', you know, you're not alone, Cassie. Okay?"

Castiel nodded, reached for the door handle, and got out of the car. Gabriel followed suit, stopping only to grab Castiel’s backpack. Gulping air, limbs shaking, Castiel trailed his older brother inside. Restraining a cringe at the unexpected noise level, Castiel and Gabriel stood in the doorway.

Their mother was surrounded by family, more than Castiel had anticipated would show at the funeral, much less at the house prior to the funeral. No one was shouting or being particularly loud, but there were so many people that the volume in the room couldn’t help but be a noisy, dull roar.

If this was any indication of the circus it would turn out to be…this time he couldn’t hold back the wince. Castiel didn’t even know he was breathing hard until Gabriel’s hand dropped onto Castiel's shoulder, giving it a squeeze as Gabriel murmured just loud enough for Castiel to hear, “It’s okay, Cassie, I got ya.”

Despite not having made any sort of noise when they stepped inside, the room went quiet and everyone turned to face Castiel and Gabriel.

Castiel froze, eyes wide as he stared at all the faces blurring together.

He blinked. Tried to focus. Took another look.

His eyes didn’t make it past their mother, whose own eyes were red rimmed, but currently dry.

Naomi lurched upwards, his other siblings – Michael, Anna, Samandriel – falling away to give her space. She quickly stepped across the room to reach him, pulling Castiel into a hug. “Oh Castiel.” Her voice broke and Castiel moved leaden arms to wrap around his mother. She squeezed him tighter. “How are you, Castiel?”

Thoughts sluggish, he blinked at the question. How could she ask that at a time like this? What was Castiel supposed to  _ say _ ? He pulled away and her arms dropped reluctantly. Not looking her in the eye, he gave a halfhearted shrug and managed to choke out a whispered “I’m okay.” Castiel looked up in time to see her eyes dart over his shoulder, back to his face, and she sighed. He could only imagine what Gabriel had motioned to their mother as she pulled him into the room and over to the sofa, sitting him down. 

Still numb, Castiel let her.

The other visitors left with the encouragement of Gabriel and a few others. People departed with whispered words and glances back. A few of them stopped, touching him sympathetically on the shoulder with murmured condolences he did not hear – Joshua and Raphael, Inias, a few of the uncles and aunts he didn’t know as well. He shuddered when Aunt Beatrice, Uncle Zach’s widow, touched him. The urge to shrink away from her was near-overwhelming, despite how kind she was, had always been. Usually Castiel was able to push down the unwelcome reminder of Uncle Zach, but right now, everything was too much to deal with. Eventually he was left with a much smaller family group than he’d been initially confronted with.

Naomi sat beside Castiel on the sofa, his grandfather Julian on the other side. His other grandparents drew his siblings to the other side of the room, leaving the three of them in a small bubble of their own. Naomi took his hands in hers, trying to get Castiel to look at her. Her mouth opened, but Castiel spoke before she could say anything.

“I’m sorry, Mom.”

“Sweetie…?” Naomi’s voice was startled, confused. “What do you mean?”

Castiel shook his head. He didn’t want to put it into words again but…he took a deep breath, “For Jimmy. It shouldn’t be…he shouldn’t be….it’s my fault…” he whispered.

“No, sweetheart, no, no, no, no,” She pulled him into another embrace, “I don’t understand why you keep heaping this blame on yourself. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t  _ cause _ the accident. The only difference today would be  _ who  _ I was burying, and I would be equally  _ not _ okay if it were you instead of Jimmy.”

“But…” Castiel wanted to protest, every thought about his guilt, all Michael’s accusations echoing in his head.

“No, Castiel.” The voice of his grandfather made Castiel turn to look at him. Julian was somber but composed as always. “No one in their right mind blames you. And no one has the  _ right _ to tell you that it should have been you.”

Castiel pulled in a breath, a gasp, tried to speak around the shortness of breath, “But – I – ”

Castiel understood Michael’s anger over the years, though he often wished to escape it.

_ This _ he didn’t understand.

If anyone had a right to be angry, to be upset about what had happened, to hate Castiel for his part in the accident, it should have been his mother, who had lost a husband and a son. It should have been his grandfather who, after having lost his wife a long time ago, had also lost a son and then a  _ grand _ son. And yet…

“You forgive me?” Castiel asked. The arms around him tightened as Naomi’s breath hitched and she muffled a sob in his shirt.

“No,” Julian stated simply.

Castiel’s heart sank, though he knew it was as much as he deserved. “Oh.”

Julian shook his head. “You don’t understand. I  _ can’t  _ forgive you, because there’s nothing to forgive.” His grandfather sighed, placing a hand fondly on Castiel’s head, a small but sad smile quirking at his lips. “And maybe someday you’ll believe this, but today is not that day. Today you are grieving. But I pray that this will give you the closure you need to move on and someday forgive yourself.”

Castiel could not imagine that day.

When morning found him at the first wake, he was no more able to imagine it. Instead, the thoughts circled in his head whenever he was left alone. At first, Castiel made an effort not to  _ be _ alone so he wouldn’t dwell on it. Whenever he was around family Castiel could think of nothing else.  Anna burst into tears whenever Castiel looked at her. Michael pretended he wasn’t angry but when he was alone with Castiel he berated him, reinforcing the very thoughts Castiel was trying to avoid. Poor Samandriel looked lost and it seemed like everyone Castiel knew had crawled out of the woodwork to attend. Meg and Inias were there, still dating, still friendly, still sympathetic. Meeting with Balthazar didn’t prove nearly as awkward as he had feared. They even managed a hug.

Castiel was glad when it was over.

The morning dragged with every well-meaning embrace, word or pat from family, neighbors, and friends. Constant ‘How are you?’s bombarded Castiel, and he was was no better at answering now than he had been the night previous. At one point, he actually dared to walk up to the casket and look inside.

He backed away as soon as his gaze hit Jimmy’s face. It seemed no different. Healthier, maybe. Like Jimmy was sleeping. It made Castiel’s skin crawl and he stumbled back, turned and fled outside to get some air.

Thankfully, no one followed him.

It was almost time to go before Castiel could breathe again. No one said a word about his disappearance and Castiel held in a sigh of relief as he climbed into Gabriel’s car. The family was breaking into smaller groups to go out for lunch before the next wake. Castiel didn’t feel hungry, but went along anyway.

By the time the second wake started, Castiel wanted to hide but he still had so much more to get through. The next morning there would be one last viewing, and in the afternoon there would be a funeral ceremony and burial. Too tired to be sociable, Castiel took a seat in a corner near Jimmy’s coffin and hoped no one would approach him. Generic, inappropriate music helped Castiel ignore the conversations of those who drifted by him. He was glad he couldn’t see his brother from where he sat. 

Occasionally people would come to him and he’d go through the motions, but mostly people left him alone, for which he was grateful.

"Shit, you have a big family."

Dean's voice roused Castiel. He turned around and, to his stunned surprised, he saw not only Dean, but also Sam, Hani, Charlie, Jo, Kevin, Garth and Ash.

"You…came?" He blinked stupidly at them.

"Of course we came, Cas. How could you think that we wouldn't? Look, Sam and I, we know how hard these things can be. We’re actually here to kidnap you, if you want. Gabriel sent us." His friends grabbed seats and gathered them around Castiel, nodding agreement as Dean added, "And man, you look like you need it." 

Castiel sighed. "I would not be adverse to getting away from my family and…" he trailed off, shaking his head. He didn’t want to be at the wake but he had no idea where else to go. 

"Who are all these people?" asked Charlie. Castiel was so out of it he almost didn’t catch the question, and he looked out unseeing at the crowd before answering.

"It's mostly family. Over there is my mom, Naomi. My brothers Gabriel, Michael and Samandriel and our sister Anna. My grandfather, Julian. Over there is Dad's sister, Aunt Amara – Dean, you'll want to steer clear of her."

Dean nodded then stopped and looked at Castiel, perplexed. "Wait, why me specifically?"

"You're her type and she's…persistent." A constant stream of family members came and went, and Castiel pointed out various aunts and uncles and cousins. As monotonous as it was, it proved to be the distraction he needed.

"That's Uncle Joshua. I rather like him. His daughter Raphael…"

"Dude, I had no idea Raphael was used as girl’s name," Dean mused.

"It's not."

"Oh, cool,” said Dean. “Your family's pretty open minded, huh? That's awesome."

"Most of them are," Castiel agreed. With his friends from college surrounding him, Castiel felt less alone than he had before. He knew, logically, that he wasn't - he was just as alone as he had been. His friends couldn’t really understand what Castiel was experiencing, and his siblings had their own grief to deal with. For the first time, he understood why people went to wakes when they didn't know the deceased. It wasn't for themselves, it was to support the mourners. And he was truly grateful. 

Then Hani stiffened beside Castiel. Looking to see what had alarmed his friend, he saw Hani’s parents and sister approaching Jimmy’s casket.

"Hani, you don't have to…" Castiel said.

"I know I don’t ‘have to.’ But I want to try." Hani rose and walked over to his family. Worried, Castiel watched Hani go. Castiel knew he shouldn’t stare, but he couldn’t care less at the moment. Hani waited until his parents had finished paying their respects and stepped away, then approached them and said something Castiel couldn’t hear. They turned away disdainfully, Hester with a sneer. Hani persisted and his parents turned back to him with angry, disgusted faces.

Sam leaned forward. "Is that Hani’s family?"

"Yes. Hani and I grew to be friends because our families are neighbors and our parents were friends," Castiel explained. “I don’t think their reunion is going well.”

Sam nodded and stood. “I'll wander over that way, discreetly, to make sure he's okay." Castiel started to follow him but Sam motioned him to sit back down. "Nah, you're pretty high profile right now. Definitely not discreet." With a sigh, Castiel sank back down. Garth followed Sam. Damn it, Castiel should be able to help his friend. Suddenly, he felt trapped. He fidgeted for a second and then rose.

"I'll be right back," Castiel managed.

"What’s wrong?" asked Charlie.

"Nothing. I'm just, um, you know - the bathroom." Castiel made a hasty exit and headed down the hall. The funeral home was set up like a house so the bathroom was a simple room with a lock and, thankfully, no line. He’d just stepped back into the room when a voice at his elbow surprised him and he turned around. Balthazar stood behind him.

"Don't look now, love, but I think your boyfriend just decked someone," said Balthazar. 

"I don't have a boyfriend," objected Castiel, confused. There was a shout from the other end of the room and Castiel turned again to look. There was a commotion, members of his family surrounding...his eyes widened. 

Shit.

Dean had punched Michael, who now sprawled on the floor staring furiously up at Dean.

Castiel pulled away from Balthazar and hurried over to the knot of people. Michael and Dean glared daggers at each other, Dean’s fists balled up like he wanted to punch Michael again. Grimacing, Michael rubbed at his jaw and stood.

"What happened? What's going on?" Castiel looked between the two men, concerned. Michael looked over at Castiel disdainfully, turned on his heel and walked away. "Dean?" Dean let out a breath and dropped his fists, staring after Michael until he was out of sight before turning his gaze towards Castiel. 

"Fuck, Cas, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to make a scene. How can you stand him? The things he said…" Dean looked simultaneously guilty and angry.

"I’m sure he didn’t say anything that wasn’t true," Castiel sighed. "Michael doesn’t lie. I told you -"

"No! It wasn’t your fault. You were kids. You were twins! Sure, you did stupid shit, that’s what kids  _ do _ . That doesn’t mean it was your fault there was a car accident! You didn’t cause the accident to happen." Dean’s sincere words washed over him, but couldn’t touch Castiel’s guilt. That was never going to go away..

"Michael liked Jimmy more than me.”  _ Everyone _ liked Jimmy better than Castiel. “He wishes…you know...that I had...not Jimmy..." Castiel couldn't finish the sentence. Dean looked devastated.

"He's your  _ brother _ , Cas! How can he think that? How can he treat you like that?" Dean sounded furious and incredulous. 

Castiel smiled sadly. "You only have one brother, Dean. He's all you’ve got and you were always there for each other. In a big family it’s not the same. We can pick favorites."

"It shouldn't be that way," Dean muttered.

"No, it shouldn't be, but it is," said Castiel.

“Castiel?  _ What _ is going on here? Who is this?” Naomi’s voice cut through the crowd clearly as she briskly walked to Castiel’s side.

“Mom…” Castiel knew she’d make Dean leave, and Castiel did  _ not _ want that to happen. “This is Dean -”

“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Novak! I sincerely meant no disrespect. I understand loss and I’m just…I’m sorry, but I don’t understand how Cas is related to that guy. And I know he’s your son too, but what he said about Cas…Ma’am, I have a brother but I’d never say things like that. It wasn’t right. I don’t mean to cause trouble, but I couldn’t stand by and let him say what he said.”

Naomi’s fiery eyes softened. She looked between Dean and Castiel, shoulders slumping. “Castiel, what did Michael say?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t here at the time but…” Today was hard enough on all of them, Castiel hadn’t wanted to make it any harder on his mother.

“But what, Castiel?” she pushed.

Castiel sighed. “Honestly, probably the same things he’s been saying for years. I’m just surprised he was careless enough that Dean overheard.”

“What. Did. He. Say?” Naomi gritted out. Both Castiel and Dean stayed silent in the face of her question, Dean’s eyes darting towards Castiel uncertainly. “Castiel,  _ what _ has he been saying?” she asked more gently.

Castiel looked away from her. Dean caught his eye. “Cas?”

Castiel sighed and looked back at her. “The usual things. The things he always says. How he wishes…it was me up there today and not Jimmy.”

Naomi’s mouth tightened and her eyes closed briefly. Opening them, she looked at Dean. “Michael…I’ve spoken to Michael about this sort of inappropriate behavior on more than one occasion. He knows that whatever his feelings are on the matter, this is neither the time nor the place.” She sighed, “I don’t know why he’s like this, why he treats his own brother like…” She shook her head, “Michael was raised better than that.” Naomi paused and laid a hand on Dean’s arm. “I appreciate your instinct to look out for my son, to protect him, but next time, please choose a less… _ volatile  _ way.”

“Sure thing, ma’am,” Dean agreed sheepishly.

“See to it, Dean. Because if it happens again, I won’t have any choice but to ask you to leave.” Naomi’s firm voice matched the stern look on her face.

Dean blushed, but nodded, looking appropriately contrite. Naomi walked away, presumably to find Michael. Castiel wondered if she would ‘read him the riot act’, as Gabriel was wont to say.

After a pause, Dean sighed. "C'mon, let's gather the gang and get you outta here. We'll go get something to eat."

"I'm not sure I should –" Castiel protested.

Dean didn’t let him finish. "Cas, I am absolutely  _ certain  _ you should."

Castiel was relieved to leave with his friends. They grabbed a low key meal, then went to find a hotel room for Dean, Sam and the others. There was room for Hani to stay with Castiel, but Castiel’s house overflowed with family, so the others needed a place to stay so they could attend the funeral the next day. 

The next morning, they showed up at Castiel’s house bright and early, helped him get ready, and offered to drive him to the funeral. Castiel was torn; he felt obligated to ride with his family but he wanted to ride with his friends. Looking at his siblings’ sad faces, he decided to stick with them. They needed him. He lost track of his friends after that. The car Castiel was in followed the hearse out to the graveyard, where a plot had been prepared for Jimmy near where Castiel’s father was laid to rest. His grandfather was still the caretaker of this graveyard and proceeded over everything just as Castiel remembered from the last two funerals. It was obviously hard on him; Julian clutched the family bible, white knuckled, and said the ceremony in a shaky voice as he buried his grandson beside his son.

One by one, Castiel watched as friends and family stepped up to the graveside and left a flower on or beside the coffin. Castiel could see Jimmy’s face, peaceful and pale, staring out from the casket. 

This was real.

This was really happening.

A sob forced its way out of Castiel violently. He raised a hand to smother the sound, but a second sob escaped, a third, and tears poured out, rolling down his face.

Castiel couldn't stop.

His mother grabbed him, held him close, murmured supportive words he couldn't hear. He could sense that people hovered around him, and he hated that he’d broken down in public. Hoping to avoid their gaze, he shrank against his mother and cried for what felt like hours. Finally, after crying ten years worth of tears for his fallen brother, Castiel walked weak-kneed to stand before the coffin, to look one last time at the face of his twin. Only his family remained, thank God.

He’d still see Jimmy’s face every time he looked in the mirror. 

"Goodbye, Jimmy," Castiel whispered, then he stumbled away, leaving his mother as the last to make her goodbyes, giving her the privacy she deserved.

 


	7. Ash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another incident of slight dubcon - it wasn't meant that way by the character that initiated it - and said character later realizes is problematic.
> 
> Also, i have some links here. This is still Cas's story, his journey and what prompted the whole thing to start with, so i made sure to save some links to some of the information I looked up for myself...

Castiel never would have believed it, but it took a surprisingly short time for life to return to normal after Jimmy’s funeral. He went home with his friends and spent the following days catching up on his school work. Hani had worked miracles, and his professors had excused him from class and most of his assignments, but Castiel didn’t want to fall behind and he needed something to focus on, something to distract him.

The end of the spring semester passed in a blur, and when school ended Castiel filled his empty hours by picking up more shifts at the gas station.  Since Jimmy’s death, Castiel felt like there was a hole inside of him. As the semester ended, Castiel felt a longing for the first time, for companionship similar to what his friend’s seemed to get from dating. He didn’t want sex; he wanted an emotional intimacy beyond what he had with his friends. A yearning ached within him and he didn’t know what to  _ do. _

Garth started dating a girl named Bess, and Castiel watched them wistfully. The kind of physical relationship that Meg or Balthazar had pressed Castiel for still made him shudder. He wanted the easy affection that Garth and Bess shared, but not the physical intimacy. Thinking about it made Castiel feel even more broken. 

Pushing that line of thinking away was hard, but he tried. Instead, he threw himself into his work to forget about his grief and his growing loneliness . After all,  Hani’s top surgery was soon, and the extra money Castiel earned would help pay for that and the accompanying hormone treatments. Only Hani, Castiel, Sam and Dean stayed at the house for the summer; everyone else went home.

Hani was nervous and excited. Though he'd been working toward this, making lesser changes on his own, he said that this was the first big step in his journey. His determination had only increased since the meeting with his parents at the wake. The date for the surgery had been set for July 31 st – giving Hani plenty of time to recover before the school semester started up again – and Hani counted down the days on a calendar. 

Between work and supporting Hani, the summer passed surprisingly quickly. Things were good overall, though the two family visits Naomi had asked of Castiel went awfully as they focused on their shared grief instead of on moving on. He was relieved when they left and glad that school would be starting soon. His tolerance for them was practically zero.

Anticipation made Castiel stressed - stressed about Hani’s surgery, stressed about his job, stressed about his grieving family, stressed about his own grief, stressed about his  contradictory desire for companionship without intimacy, stressed about the coming school semester and his uncertainty over his new classes. The closer fall came, the more dysfunctional, exhausted, stressed,  _ broken _ Castiel felt. He’d always felt broken, but every day since Jimmy had died he felt worse. 

As much as Hani anticipated his surgery, the closer the date came, the more anxious he became. Increasingly, Hani confided his fears with Castiel, and Castiel couldn’t help but share them. What if something went wrong? What if the change was too much for Hani’s friends to handle? What if everyone regretted helping? What if they regretted helping and pulled their money back and he wasn't able to go through with the surgery?

"Fuck it." Dean slapped a couple of burgers down on the kitchen table in front of his brother, Castiel and Hani. Sam, more used to Dean's random outbursts, didn't flinch, but Castiel and Hani both jumped in surprise. As Sam dug into his burger, Dean sat down and stared at the them.

"What's wrong Dean?" asked Castiel

"You two. You're being all Mrs. White," Dean said around a mouthful of burger.

Castiel and Hani looked at each other in confusion. Castiel was reluctant to admit he had no idea what Dean was talking about, but he couldn't stop himself. "Who is Mrs. White?"

"Dude, Clue! Tim Curry, Angela Lansbury, Christopher Lloyd? Damn good movie. And, of course, Mrs. White was played by Madeline Kahn. It was hilarious. Tell me you've seen it?" Dean spoke enthusiastically, his mouthful of food muddling the words a bit.

"I think so?" It sounded familiar but Castiel couldn’t recall for sure. Then it clicked. "Oh, yes, I remember it. It was somewhat funny. Singing telegram, right? I don't understand the Ms. White reference though."

"Ugh, really? Heathen. Okay, so Wadsworth goes through his version of the evening’s events and he describes Mrs. White – all dressed up in black and ‘looking pale and tragic.’ That’s been you two all damn summer. I’ve had it. Time to get out of the doldrums. I'm thinkin' a movie night. I know it's just us four in the house but Ash is still in town, and Charlie's coming back tomorrow. I’ve got a co-worker who I think would dig it, too. That will bring us up to...um…seven folks. That's enough for a party. So – you guys working tomorrow night?" He took a huge bite of his burger and chewed it, meeting Castiel’s dazed gaze with an expectant grin. Ketchup dripped down from the corner of his mouth and Dean groaned as he took another bite of hamburger, earning a dirty look from Sam. Dean winked and grinned again, his mouth still full.

"Tomorrow would be acceptable." Castiel glanced over at Hani, who nodded around his own burger, mouth kept politely shut. The date settled on, Dean started discussing what movies they would watch and what food they would eat.

Despite Dean’s attempts at levity, Castiel still worried - about Hani’s surgery, about his family, about the semester to come, and, as an added bonus, he worried that his bad mood would bring everyone down. God, what must it be like to live with him right now? Hopefully, Dean’s movie night would do the trick and cheer them all up.

That's how Castiel found himself squeezed onto the couch beside Ash, Sam and Hani, with half empty pizza boxes and bottles of beer littered around the basement. Clue played on the large TV and Charlie and Dean recited every line, much to everyone's amusement. The new guy, Benny, sat next to Dean and Charlie, only a little less crowded then Castiel's current position.

Though Hani, Castiel, Sam and Ash were underage, there were beers in every hand except Hani's. He’d had two and proclaimed himself done. Castiel appreciated that there was no pressure to keep drinking and that everyone respected Hani’s boundaries. When asked, Dean had declared that as long as nobody left the house to go drinking, and as long as he or Charlie was there to keep an eye, he'd turn a blind eye to them not being 21. Dean didn’t set the best example - he drank often himself - but Castiel didn’t mind. It reminded Castiel of the time Balthazar had gotten Castiel drunk to prepare him for college. 

And just like that, the good mood Castiel had worked hard to cultivate soured. Remembering that night was awful. Needing a breath of fresh air, Castiel put his beer down and rose to go upstairs.

"What’s up, Cas?" Dean asked. Despite the number of drinks Dean had consumed, he seemed sober. Castiel had drunk less but he wobbled as he stood. "No walks after drinking. This stays in the house," Dean reminded him. 

Castiel nodded and fished for a reason to go upstairs. "Drinks. I thought I'd bring some more drinks down. Beer and sodas or whatever we’re out of." Proud to have come up with an excuse, he walked unsteadily towards the stairs. 

"Great idea. I'll help." Ash jumped up, causing a giggling Sam to topple onto Hani. Hani smiled at Sam indulgently as he pushed Sam back into a sitting position. 

Dean glanced over at his brother with a smirk. "Sammy, how much did you drink?"

"Counting this one?" Sam giggled again.

"You better not say one." Dean snorted at his brother as he giggled.

"Um…I don't remember, actually. More than one. Maybe three?" He giggled again as Castiel and Ash made their way up the stairs. Castiel was unhappy that Ash had volunteered. He'd wanted a little space, and while Ash's willingness to help was commendable, Castiel wished he could tell Ash not to bother. At least the brothers' antics brought a smile to his face.

In the kitchen, Castiel opened the fridge, rooted through the cases of cold drinks and pulled out four. It was hard, because they kept multiplying on him; he reached out for a bottle but his hand grasped nothing. That wasn’t normal. Was he drunk?

"Hey, Cas, I've got a question." Ash, Castiel was relatively certain, had partaken of something other than beer tonight. He wasn't sure what but it wasn't Castiel’s place to ask. Castiel looked over as he carefully placed the first four beers on the kitchen table. Taking Castiel’s silence for his cue to speak - or maybe he just kept going without waiting, Castiel wasn't sure - Ash sat down in a chair and looked at him. "So I’ve been wondering. I've known you two years, and I've never seen you date. Why not?"

That was not the question Castiel had expected. He froze and looked at Ash like a deer in the headlights, wobbled again and grabbed the fridge door to catch his balance. Oh yeah, the fridge was still open.

"Cas?"

That’s right, Ash had asked him a question. Had his head felt this fuzzy the last time he'd drunk? When he was with Balthazar? God, how was he supposed to answer Ash’s question? Telling the truth was insane. He didn’t want Ash to know that he was broken. Suddenly Ash was in his personal space, crowding him against the fridge. Castiel was caught against the shelves, cold air shivering up his back, straining to escape Ash’s sudden proximity. Hands patted at his back. 

Oh, Ash was just hugging him.

Why was Ash hugging him?

Crap, had he said he was broken aloud?

“Yes, you did,” said Ash. “How drunk  _ are _ you?” Castiel relaxed, letting out a breath, then two, calming himself. Just a hug. He was okay with hugs. "Dude! Just ‘cause you don’t date doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. You don't all gotta be like me –  _ irresistible. _ " Ash attempted a seductive little twist of his head, apparently meant to make his hair toss enticingly as he grinned. At least Castiel wasn’t the only one who was drunk.

The beer must have loosened Castiel’s tongue a bit, because without really  _ wanting _ to say more, Castiel found to his horror that words were spilling from him. "No, that’s not it,” he babbled. “I'm just...I'm  _ lonely _ , but I can't bring myself to try. I can't imagine why anyone would want to date me, when I don't want the same things they do. I don’t want sex or men or women or...or...anything! I just want someone to spend time with, but that makes no sense, because I have friends and they spend time with me. There’s something wrong with me. There must be something wrong with me."

"Dude, you're a handsome fella! And nice, and smart. That's a rare package. Anyone would count themselves lucky to date you. Heck, I’d do you!" Reflexes dulled, Castiel found himself on the receiving end of a sloppy, wet kiss. Ash’s open lips moved over Castiel’s tightly pressed ones, completely oblivious that there was anything wrong with his behavior. 

Castiel tried to back away before remembering that he was trapped in the fridge.

_ Why  _ was he in the fridge again?

Why was Ash  _ kissing  _ him?

Why wouldn’t he  _ stop _ ?

One hand scrabbled at the door of the fridge to keep Castiel upright while the other pushed at Ash's chest as his drunken mind whimpered miserably at the onslaught. Ash didn't register Castiel’s distress as he finally pulled away, leaving Castiel gasping. 

Ash beamed and patted Castiel on the cheek. "See? Irresistible. Not as irresistible as me, but we can’t all be flawless." He reached around Castiel and grabbed a second case of beer, stacked it atop the one Castiel had put on the table, and carried them both downstairs, leaving Castiel slumped against the fridge door in stunned disbelief.

At least Ash wasn’t kissing him again.

What the hell was that? Castiel wasn’t sure, but he didn’t think Ash had meant anything by it. Ash’s intention seemed to have been to reassure Castiel that he wasn't broken, but why the  _ hell _ had he thought the best way to do that was to  _ kiss _ Castiel? What was Ash  _ thinking _ ? Castiel hadn’t even known Ash was into guys. Then again…why  _ would  _ he know? And why would Castiel  _ care _ ? He wasn’t interested in Ash that way, and Ash didn’t seem to  _ actually _ be interested in Castiel that way, so...

...and why the hell did people keep kissing him without asking permission? Was that how it was supposed to happen? Was  _ that _ normal? Maybe Castiel was even more broken that he’d thought. But he didn’t  _ think _ people usually kissed other people randomly...

Freaked out, Castiel wiped his mouth with a shudder. Castiel liked Ash, could appreciate what Ash’s intentions, but he  _ hated  _ what Ash had done to him. 

Surely other people were equally discomforted by such actions. Surely other people didn’t like being...being  _ assaulted _ by someone else’s lips unexpected.

_ God, my head hurts _ .

Castiel dropped back against the freezer behind him, staring at nothing.

"Cas? You all right?" Dean’s voice sounded funny, drawing Castiel's attention to the man in front of him, concerned green eyes staring at Castiel, hand reached out but not touching. 

Castiel blinked slowly, dazed and fuzzy from the combination of Ash and beer and his circling thoughts. "Um…yes,” he lied. He didn’t want Dean to know how broken he was. Damn he hoped he hadn’t said that aloud. “Why wouldn’t I be?"

"Well, for starters, Ash came back 10 minutes ago. Second, you're practically sitting inside the fridge. Did something happen?" Dean’s fuzzed in two, then merged together again. Dean’s words barely registered.

Castiel blinked up at Dean dumbly and realized that yes, he  _ was _ a little cold. He’d forgotten the fridge was open. "I think I'm drunk, Dean."

"I'll say,” Dean laughed. “I’m cutting you off for the night. Ya’ll are light weights. Sammy’s just  _ gone _ , so no more for him, and if Ash has more he’s gonna have to stay the night." Dean’s voice might be the most hypnotic thing Castiel had ever heard. Listening to Dean speak helped calm the rush of fear Castiel felt at the thought that Ash might spend the night in the house.

Castiel shivered. "You’re right. I shouldn’t have more."

"Cas…you wanna come out of the fridge now?" Dean sounded really worried. He blinked up at Dean again, and then glanced behind him. Huh, he was still practically sitting on the shelves. Damn it was cold. Castiel wanted to shake his head to clear it, but instead, he looked back at Dean and nodded.

Dean chuckled, but it sounded off as he grabbed Castiel’s arm and helped him out. "Well, on the bright side, I'm getting a pretty clear idea of what all your limits are. That'll come in handy once you guys are legal and start going to campus parties."

"You won’t have to worry, Dean. I won’t be going to any campus parties." Castiel stumbled, only now realizing that his legs were numb. Surely the fridge wasn't  _ that _ cold.?

"C'mon, I got ya. You wanna lay down?" Dean's grip shifted from his arm to around his shoulders and Castiel snuggled into the sudden warmth as he nodded again. With Dean's help, Castiel made it up to the second floor and to the room Castiel shared with Hani. He’d never been more glad he had the lower bunk. Dean eased him down to sit on the edge of the bed. With an awkward smile, Dean rose to leave.

He didn’t want Dean to go.

Castiel found himself gripping Dean's shirt. 

He  _ really  _ didn’t want Dean to go.

His face fell forward into Dean's shirt. Dean slowly lowered himself onto the bed, ducking his head so as not to hit the lip of the upper bunk, and looked at Castiel with concern.

"Okay, something is  _ definitely  _ wrong. Do you wanna talk about it?" Dean’s voice, gentle and soothing, helped calm Castiel down. At least Dean wasn’t leaving. A hand threaded tenderly through Castiel’s hair. "Cas?"

"Ash kissed me." Castiel shuddered against Dean.

"Do I need to kick his ass?" offered Dean.

Castiel shook his head, causing his head to spin, and his fingers tightened on Dean's shirt. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Dean."

"What do you mean?" Dean asked slowly.

"I don't seem to…to… _ like _ anybody the way other people do." Distress colored his words.

"Is that why I’ve never seen you date? Have you ever tried -" 

"I've tried everything, Dean. Of  _ course  _ I have. I thought maybe if I...when other people wanted to...but…but I've had one boyfriend, one girlfriend, and several others who've kissed or...or tried to kiss me and, and there's nothing. There's never anything. I never feel  _ anything _ . I'm going to die broken and alone." He sniffed a little. “Just like Jimmy did. I don’t even have Jimmy anymore. I mean...not that Jimmy and I...I mean...but he was my twin and least when he was around I wasn’t alone like this. I wasn’t broken when Jimmy was still alive.”

"No, Cas, you're not broken. You're awesome. Have you ever considered that maybe you're ace?" Dean wrapped an arm around Castiel and rubbed at his back. Comforted, he leaned further into Dean.

"Ace? What are you talking about? I’m not a playing card. Do you need glasses, Dean?" Castiel pulled away from Dean's suddenly rumbling chest to squint up at him. "Are you laughing at me?"

"Naw, Cas, I'm not laughing  _ at  _ you. God, you're cute when you're drunk. I mean, you're cute all the time, but this is adorable. No, dude, I meant asexual. You’ve heard of that, right?"

"Asexual refers to single celled organisms that have no gender but still reproduce without any kind of interactions with – " Castiel’s tone was monotonous, like reading out of a textbook. Even as he spoke, though, Castiel felt something niggle at the back of his mind. The term sounded familiar, but he couldn’t recall encountering it in any context outside of biology class. 

"No,” Dean interrupted hastily. “I mean, yeah, but that’s not what I'm talking about. I can’t believe you did all that research for Hani and never encountered the term. There’s way more than two sexual identities out there."

"I know that, Dean. You can be straight, bi, gay or lesbian." No matter what Dean claimed he was definitely laughing  _ at  _ Castiel. “‘Trans’ is a gender identity, not a sexual one.”

"There's a lot more than that. Like, sure, I'm bi, but my brother's pan."

"Your brother’s a cooking utensil? That’s not a nice thing to say." Castiel fell against Dean again as he spoke.

"No, he's  _ pansexual _ . Means he doesn't care what someone looks like or what gender they are or they aren't."

"So…he  _ doesn't _ have sex with pans?" Castiel's head was spinning unpleasantly and he had completely lost the thread of what Dean was saying, but it was  _ Dean  _ so what he said was  _ important _ , even if Castiel couldn't figure out what playing cards and frying pans had to do with sex.

"God Cas, maybe you're too drunk for this. Though if you weren’t wasted we wouldn’t be having this conversation and I'm getting the rather strong feeling you need it."

"True. Dean. Dean!" Castiel suddenly looked up at Dean in a panic. "You need to tell me this when I'm sober. It's important! I need to remember!!" Castiel continued to grope at the front Dean's shirt and got even more into his space. "Please, Dean?"

"Don't worry Cas, I got ya. I'm with ya all the way, okay? I’ll tell you again when you’ve had some time to sleep it off, okay, buddy?"

"Yes, Dean. That’s fine." Castiel finally let Dean extract Castiel’s hands from Dean’s shirt. Dean lay Castiel down, covering him with the sheet. Curling over on his side, Castiel yanked the blanket up beneath his chin, his eyes slipping closed. He hadn’t realized he was so tired.

"Night, Cas." He heard Dean say, but he slipped away as he tried to mumble back a return sentiment.

When morning came, Castiel’s head pounded and his mouth was dry. He was in bed fully clothed except for socks, which he never wore around the house. He couldn’t remember how he’d gotten there. He blinked at the bright light coming in the window, worsening his headache. 

_ What the hell? _

He stretched and whimpered as his head throbbed painfully with the movement, his stomach twisting, and he groaned pitifully. He didn’t want to move, and didn’t for long minutes. Only the urgent need to use a bathroom finally got him moving.

When he was done, Castiel went to the kitchen for a bottle of water. Multiple people in various states of disrepair were already there when he arrived. Sam held his head in his hands. Ash was still there, and he stared bleary-eyed at his coffee cup. Charlie and Hani sat side by side at the table leaning against each other, their eyes closed against the light. Even Dean’s coworker Benny was still there, though he didn’t look as much the worse for wear as the rest of them. 

Castiel slunk over to the table,dropped into a seat and instantly regretted his quick movements. He dropped his head to the table with a thud and another groan. 

Every movement was an agony.

From over by the stove, a cheery voice called out. 

"Goo-oood morning Cas! You're the last one up. How's your first hangover?" The loud voice sent ribbons of pain throbbing through his skull. Matching groans echoed from around the table. Castiel whimpered and tried to cover his ears, to no avail. 

"Brotha, you are a mite too cheerful for us hung-over folks." That was Benny, Castiel thought, though he felt no inclination to confirm his guess. Whoever had said it, Castiel agreed wholeheartedly.

"Dean, you suck," Sam moaned.

"Aw, Sammy, " laughed Dean.

"Just don't, Dean." Sam gritted out.

"Okay, then, I'll give everyone  _ else  _ the hangover cure," said Dean. Castiel thought him nearby but couldn’t be bothered to check where in the kitchen he was. Multiple voices exclaimed and clamored for their share of the promised treatment as Sam complained about how unfair Dean was.

"Handmaiden, I will try any cure you care to give your queen, but would you stop talking so loudly?" Benny snickered at Charlie's words, as did Sam, though Castiel didn’t understand the joke. Laughing as well, Dean agreed, and Castiel listened as he prepared whatever it was, not bothering to lift his head. Time passed in silence as something cooked on the stove. Castiel thought he smelled bacon.

More coffee, glasses of water and aspirin were placed on the table and Castiel rolled his head to look as Dean divvied them up among each person. Charlie went for the coffee first, but Dean pulled the mug back.

"Uh uh. Everyone drinks the entire glass of water and takes their aspirin first. Trust me, it'll help." With some grumbling, everyone but Ash complied with Dean’s instructions. With a yawn, Ash finished his own coffee and got up to drop his cup into the sink. He already had on his shoes and he clapped Dean on his shoulder on his way out of the kitchen.

"Thanks Dean-o."

"Sure you won't stay for breakfast?" said Dean. Castiel frowned up at Dean. Castiel wasn’t sure - the pounding in his head drowned out nuance - but Dean sounded strange.

"Nah, I got work. See ya 'round, compadres!" With a cheerful wave, Ash disappeared, slamming the door as he left, and Dean turned back to the stove. Snagging a few plates, he brought over piles of greasy bacon and buttered toast and placed them in the center of the table. He returned for a plate of scrambled eggs, a bottle of ketchup and a stack of empty plates, distributing the dishes and then sitting in Ash's vacated spot between Benny and Sam.

"Dig in, everyone." Dean grinned as he scooped a helping of eggs onto his plate, snagged a large helping of bacon and a couple slices of toast and proceeded to take his own advice. Benny and Charlie served themselves next while Castiel stared blankly at the food. Hani didn't move. Sam abruptly stood, covered his mouth and ran out of the room. Dean paused mid-chew and his eyes followed his brother. He swallowed.

"Guess Sammy's stomach is a little sensitive this morning."

"You, Dean Winchester, are an evil, evil man." Charlie chuckled around a forkful of eggs. Tentatively, Castiel reached forward and grabbed some toast to nibble on.

"I swear, if this is what it feels like the morning after, I'm never drinking again," Castiel mumbled queasily around the toast. Benny laughed heartily and Dean snickered.

"Oh brotha! The number of times I've heard some poor fool say that..." Benny chuckled, then blew out an expressive "Whew! These kids sure are fun. Thanks for invitin' me, cher. I gotta get goin' myself though, as you well know." Castiel frowned at Benny and put the toast down as a lost cause. He wasn't a kid. 

"Yeah, yeah, you go and open the shop. I'll see you later, Benny." Dean shared a grin with the other man as Benny collected his cap and left. The front door closed, though Benny had the common decency to do it gently. A few moments of quiet followed, broken only by the sound of Sam retching in the first floor bathroom. He grimaced. Definitely lost his appetite.

"So, Winchester," Charlie said slyly, waggling her eyebrows at Dean. Dean blushed and ducked his head. 

"Shut  _ up _ , Charlie."

"Whaaaaat?" She looked at Dean innocently. Castiel's eyes narrowed. He'd known Charlie long enough that he was positive she was up to something. She grinned and leaned forward, leaving Hani to rest his head on the back wall. Wait, had Hani gone to sleep? Distracted, Castiel almost missed what Charlie said next.

"Don't give me that, Dean. So you and Benny, huh? Don’t hold out on me now!” she chided.

"What? No, we work together and I think we could be good friends," Dean protested.

Charlie snorted. "Yeah, right, whatever. He's totally into you, I could tell. And you were flirting right back." She reached across the table and punched Dean in the shoulder.

Dean scowled and rubbed at the spot. "I was not."

"You were too…And I don’t know why you’re upset, this could be awesome! You haven't dated anyone since Lisa. That doesn't sound like the Dean Winchester  _ I _ know. You never know, he could be the Han to your Leia!" She giggled as she waggled a finger at him.

Dean shifted uncomfortably and Castiel thought back to the many times people made a big deal out of his love life, or lack thereof. How horrible it had made him feel when others presumed to know how he felt or tried to dictate how he  _ should _ feel. How broken it made him feel and how he hated to be reminded of it. Castiel frowned at the chortling redhead.

"Leave him alone, Charlie." Castiel didn't realize he was going to say anything until he bit the words out and both Charlie and Dean looked at him in surprise. For a second, Castiel was certain he’d overstepped his bounds, but there was gratitude in Dean’s eyes. Castiel pushed his seat back and took his empty glass and mug, as well as the ones everyone else had left behind, and put them in the sink, stalking out of the room. He paused in the doorway. "I still feel unwell. I'm going back to bed."

The others nodded and Hani snored. Dean called out a "Feel better Cas!" before Castiel escaped to his room. He lay back down on his bed and wondered what had happened the night before. He couldn’t remember past...being  cold. He couldn’t remember  _ why  _ he’d been cold, but he had been. How drunk had he gotten? He hated that he wasn’t sure. He was never getting drunk again.

If he couldn't remember going to bed, what else might he have forgotten? Anxious, he lay in bed but sleep wouldn’t come. It was strangely a relief when there was a quiet knock on his door. He grunted out a "Come in," and rolled over to watch the door creak open. Dean was on the other side carrying a bottle of water and a laptop. Castiel sat up in confusion. Dean didn't visit his room often. He wanted everyone to feel like they had privacy, so generally restricted hanging out to the basement, living room or kitchen.

"Hey, man, I got you more water. Last thing you want to be is dehydrated when you have a hangover," Dean said.

"Thank you, Dean."

"No problem." Dean approached tentatively and set the bottle down on the nightstand next to the bed. Castiel grabbed it gratefully. He twisted the top off and took a swallow as Dean grabbed a chair from the desk and dragged it over to the side of the bed. He set up the laptop so that both of them could see the screen.

"I wanted to show you some things, after our talk last night. They might help you out." 

Castiel looked at him sharply. Oh God, what had he said?

"What talk?" 

Dean looked up and saw the apprehensive expression on Castiel's face. "Dude, it's okay. I mean, I get you probably wouldn't have opened up like that if you weren't drunk, but…I'm not going to go around blurting anything you confided in me, I promise. You wanted me to remind you about this in the morning. So here I am. Take a look."

Dean clicked the mouse and a previously saved browser window opened with multiple tabs opened to different websites. Castiel recognized some of the page names. 

"So, if you want, I'll just leave this here with you, and you can return it when you're done. If you’ve got any questions, we can talk about it, if you want.” Dean hesitated, then added, “Cas, it's nothing to be ashamed of and you're not broken, okay?"

Castiel reached for the laptop and Dean slid it over. Dean hesitated again and then rose with a firm nod and left the room, closing the door carefully behind him. Castiel watched him go, then turned his attention back to the laptop.

The first headline on the top tab read [ "Gendering and Sexuality ABC's." ](http://teenhealthsource.com/giso/gender-sexuality-abcs) The second was a familiar[ glossary of terms](http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions), some of which Castiel had run across before, many of which were new to him. A third tab was titled[ "Asexuality, Attraction and Romantic Orientation."](https://lgbtq.unc.edu/asexuality-attraction-and-romantic-orientation)

Those were the first three open, and thus Castiel thought Dean specifically wanted him to look at those. Starting to read, Castiel realized with a sinking feeling what they must have talked about. He hoped he hadn't divulged too much. He didn’t want people to know how  _ wrong _ he was. 

As Castiel read, he ran across some terms that triggered memories he thought must be of the previous night. Pansexuality was one. Something about Sam and frying pans. But that didn't make any sense. Maybe he was misremembering.

The more he read, the happier Castiel grew that he’d said...whatever he had said...to Dean. As embarrassed as he was, a lot of what Dean had linked to about asexuality sounded familiar - sounded like  _ Castiel _ . Reaching to the drawer in his nightstand, he rummaged around until he found the little notebook he kept in there in case he woke up with inspiration and started taking notes as he encountered words and concepts that he felt described his experiences..

The past several years, he’d been  _ questioning _ . He knew he was different but hadn’t been able to understand why. Now, perhaps, he’d found the answer.  _ "Have you ever considered that maybe you're ace?" _ Dean's voice rang in his head and Castiel knew, without being able to pinpoint  _ how  _ he knew, that Dean had said that the night before. Ace…ace meant asexual. Reading through the definitions of asexuality, Castiel learned that it didn't preclude the ability to  _ feel  _ desire, to engage in the sexual acts or to get off, it just reflected a disinclination to do so. And there were so many different flavors of it that Castiel was uncertain where exactly he fell, but the more he considered it as an overall framework for understanding his own sexuality, the more it felt  _ right _ .

He wrote out a list of the different types of attraction and considered which he’d ever felt. 

Sexual attraction was definitely a no. 

Romantic was also a no. 

Aesthetic, well, as an artist, he definitely had a tendency to stare at beautiful things. Dean was one of those. The Impala was another. Meg had been beautiful too. He checked that off. 

Sensual…(looking at the definition, Castiel tilted his head at the screen,  _ shouldn’t that be platonic? _ ) well, who didn't love hugging? Physical contact brought Castiel comfort. Kissing had also become comfortable, once Castiel knew the person he was kissing well. 

Wait, did that make him demi? This was so confusing. 

He checked off “yes” for sensual attraction and moved on to the next one..

Emotional attraction. Apparently, that included friendship as well as actual  _ relationship  _ kind of attraction. How vague. Castiel wasn't sure if experiencing emotional attraction related to his sexuality but he checked it off anyway. 

Intellectual attraction was last on the list. Castiel had definitely experienced that, so he checked it off.

Castiel scrolled back up to the top of the webpage. He stared at the definition of asexuality again, and considered the two optional modifiers for it. He might be straight-up asexual, or he might be “gray” asexual or “demisexual.”

He didn’t think he was, though. Until he experienced sexual attraction, he was content to accept that he might  _ never _ feel attraction, and that meant he was asexual. A wave of relief washed through him. Maybe he wasn't broken after all.

It was getting late when Castiel padded down the stairs on bare feet, Dean's laptop tucked under his arm. Looking for Dean, he checked the kitchen and the living room, then made his way to Dean's door. He tapped on it and he heard a muffled noise from inside. He frowned. He had no idea what the noise meant. Had Dean told him to come in? To wait a minute? Or was he on the phone? Tentatively, Castiel knocked again. There was some shuffling, then the door opened and he found himself staring into the green eyes of a disheveled, aesthetically pleasing Dean. Castiel held out the laptop.

"I'm finished. I appreciate your help a lot, Dean. This was very informative. Thank you." 

Dean slowly reached out and took the laptop, set it down on his dresser, and turned to Castiel.

"Did you have any questions?" 

Castiel shook his head."Not right now. But if I think of some...would it be okay if I...."

"My door is always open, okay?" Dean grinned, and Castiel smiled back.

"Okay. Thanks again, Dean." 

Dean reached a hand out briefly to pat his shoulder. "No problem,” said Dean. “Oh, and, you might want to check on Hani. Charlie and I managed to move him to the couch so he'd be more comfortable. Didn't think he drank all that much last night though, so I'm a bit surprised he’s still so out of it this morning."

"I don't think he's been sleeping well. He's excited and anxious for Monday."

"I guess that makes sense. I took the day off for that, so I can drive him into the hospital and ferry you guys back and forth as needed. Will you be going too?"

"Yes. I’m not sure what good it will do to wait there, but Hani said he would feel better knowing I was there."

"It's a big change, and pretty permanent. I'm sure it's nerve wracking. You're a good friend Cas." Dean flashed him a quick smile. Castiel nodded and turned away with a last glance back.

Dean was  _ very _ aesthetically pleasing.

"Thanks again, Dean."

"Don't mention it. You look happier and that's all I wanted." Castiel blinked as Dean ducked back into his room and shut the door. Had Dean been  _ blushing _ ? Castiel supposed Dean might be feeling a little put on the spot for his good deed. He'd noticed that Dean didn’t like when people pointed out that he was being helpful. Dean had no idea how to take a compliment.

Shaking his head, Castiel went to the living room. Hani was just waking up, so Castiel helped him up to their room and they had a long talk about the insights Castiel had gained that day. It helped Hani get his mind off his own issues, and Hani was enthusiastically supportive, which was all Castiel could ask for.

  
  



	8. Michael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Multiple coming outs...one of them goes a little awry *sigh*

July 31 st came quickly. By that morning, Hani had devolved into a mass of nerves. He packed and repacked a bag nearly ten times as Castiel watched and tried to think of anything he could say to calm his friend down.

“I thought this was an outpatient procedure?” Dean asked quietly from behind Castiel, keys jangling in Dean’s hands. It was time to go.

“It is,” Castiel agreed just as softly.

“Then  _ why _ is Hani packing a bag?” Dean questioned.

Castiel shrugged, “Something to do? A way to calm his nerves? I don’t know, and I’m hesitant to interrupt him…” Hani turned and dropped his bag to the floor, staring blankly at Dean and Castiel. Castiel stepped forward and placed a hand on Hani’s arm. “It’s time. Are you ready to go?”

Hani shrugged and nodded. 

“I’ll meet you two downstairs,” said Dean. “You want me to clear Charlie and Sam out? They wanted to wish you luck before you left.” 

“Please,” Hani choked out, wringing his hands, “Tell them...I…” he paused, taking a deep breath, “Tell them thank you, but I just…” He couldn’t finish and Castiel pulled Hani into a hug. Castiel and Dean almost missed the quiet “I’m sorry” Hani let out after.

“No problem, I’ll let them know. Don’t worry, they’ll understand,” Dean said reassuringly before he disappeared from view, his boots thudding down the stairs.

“I’m sorry. I’m being stupid. I don’t know why I’m so…” Hani pulled away and Castiel let his arms drop. Hani’s hands fluttered aimlessly in the air to punctuate his words.

“It’s really all right, Hani. It’s okay to be nervous. This is a big change. Anyone would be nervous.” Castiel looked down uncertainly at the unnecessary bag. “Do…you want your bag?”

Hani blew out a breath and nodded. “Keep it with you, in case I need it?”

“Of course.” Castiel bent for the bag and was surprised by how light it was. If it made Hani feel better, than Castiel would bring it along, just as Hani asked.

They headed downstairs together and joined Dean, who waited outside by the Impala. Hani sat in the back, and after a moment’s hesitation Castiel joined him. Hani managed a relieved smile. 

The drive to the nearest hospital in Oneida was short, only half an hour.  Dean treated the drive like every other road trip Castiel had taken with him. Rock music blasted from the speakers, and Dean sang along unabashedly. The familiar routine helped Hani relax, which in turn, helped Castiel relax. Castiel shot a grateful look at Dean, catching his eyes in the rearview mirror. Dean smiled back with a small nod. It felt like hardly any time at all passed before they reached the hospital. They checked in, were shown to a waiting room, and then they waited.

And waited.

The interminable wait brought all of Hani’s nerves back and then some. 

When Hani was finally called, he lurched to his feet, stumbled forward and stopped. He twisted to look back at Castiel and Dean, eyes wide.

Dean gently took the bag from Hani’s white-knuckled grip and clapped him on the shoulder, “You got this, Hani.” Hani nodded, blinking back tears.

When Hani’s arm dropped to his side, Castiel wrapped him in an embrace, “We’ll wait right here for you. See you in a little while, okay?” Hani gripped him tightly and then broke away.

“Okay.” Hani nodded, looked from Castiel to Dean, and nodded again, “Yeah, okay…thank you so much.”

Hani disappeared down the hallway and Castiel and Dean settled into the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting area. It would be a long few hours. At least Castiel had Dean to keep him company.

After a long period of silence, Dean leaned into Castiel’s space to nudge at his shoulder. “Whatcha thinkin’ about, Cas?”

“Ferrets.”

“What,  _ now _ ?” Dean’s surprise and confusion were evident “Aren’t ferrets, like, gross, over-active pets that carry diseases or something? They steal chicken eggs, right?”

Castiel tried to keep a straight face. “They’re very misunderstood creatures, Dean.”

“Don’t they reek?” Dean asked, wrinkling his nose.

“Not if their cages are well maintained,” Castiel said. Castiel turned the screen of his phone for Dean to see. “Look at that little face, isn’t it the cutest?”

“Shit, do you seriously have heart eyes for a rat-faced weasel?” For no obvious reason, Dean refused to look at the screen.

Castiel frowned. “Dean, tell me this ferret isn’t adorable.”

Dean sighed and looked down at Castiel’s phone. “It still looks like a rat faced weasel to me.”

“But a  _ cute _ rat faced weasel, yes?” Castiel pulled back the phone, scrolling through the tabs he’d saved until he pulled up the right one, pressed play and thrusting it back at Dean. “Watch them play! We had an uncle we rarely got to see who had ferrets. Jimmy and I loved them and we used to  _ beg  _ our mom to get us one. Well, Jimmy did most of the begging. Didn’t matter, she still refused. Ferrets  _ do _ smell a little,” Castiel grudgingly admitted, “and they’re a lot of work. But they’re smart and social and so, so cute!” Pain tightened his chest, and surprise. He never just... _ talked _ about Jimmy. It was weird. If Dean noticed, though, he didn’t comment. Instead, he watched the video, his mouth hanging open.

“Dude, do these things even have  _ spines? _ Holy crap! This one thinks he can fly! Look at that leap!” Dean laughed, causing a warm, happy feeling to curl through Castiel, though he looked around the waiting room guiltily. Fortunately, no one else was there to mind the amount of noise there were making.

“Still think they’re gross?”

“Okay, they  _ might _ be cool. Maybe. A little,” Dean shrugged in an effort to be nonchalant. Castiel chuckled and took back his phone. Together, he and Dean hunched over the device in search of more funny videos. Between clips, Castiel told Dean all about ferrets.

“Ferrets, huh, Cas?” Dean chuckled. “I thought you had a thing for bees. If anything, I thought you’d want one of those whaddya-call-ems? Apiaries?”

“Now I have to be monogamous to a specific animal?” Castiel said seriously. Dean laughed again. Damn, Castiel loved that sound. “I love bees too. They’re wonderful, and without them the world would suffer, but you can’t hug or play with a bee.”

“Which would you rather have, Cas? Bees or a ferret?” Dean grinned.

“Do I have to choose? Why can’t I have both?” Castiel said grumpily. 

Thankful for the distraction, Dean and Castiel passed the time quickly. They stopped watching clips occasionally to text their friends - “No change, we’re still waiting” - but after a few hours they were able to pass out the message that made Castiel cheer inwardly: “Surgery’s done. Hani’s in recovery. We’ll be home in a couple of hours.”

Hani was groggy but smiling when they joined him in recovery. The nurses pressed packets of home care instructions on the dazed man with what to do and who to contact if anything went wrong.

“You’ve nothing to worry about, though. The procedure was a textbook operation. You’ll be recovered before your classes start,” said the nurse cheerfully as she reviewed the documents with them. She ducked out the cloth curtain before Castiel could thank her or ask her name.

Castiel turned back to Hani with a grin. “You ready to get out of here?” Hani beamed and nodded.

Dean peeked out of the curtain and back again. “I’ll see what’s keeping the nurse with that wheelchair.” Dean was gone before Hani could even raise his objection to the wheelchair.

“Just let him. Dean likes to feel useful,” Castiel said, suppressing his grin. “Besides, it’s hospital policy after a surgery, whether you need it or not.”

“Fine,” Hani sighed, rolling his eyes. 

Still feeling the affects of the anaesthetics and weeks of poor sleep preceding the operation, Hani fell asleep on the ride back, and it took both Dean and Castiel to wake him up enough to get him in the house, up the stairs, and into Castiel’s lower bunk bed. Castiel and Hani had planned the switch ahead of time; Castiel would take top bunk for a few weeks.

By the time fall semester started, Hani had recovered from his top surgery and started taking hormones. To celebrate, Castiel, Jo, Charlie and Garth took Hani to get new clothes - their treat. Shopping wasn't Castiel's thing, or Jo's for that matter, but Charlie and Garth were enthusiastic enough for everyone. The successful surgery and the new wardrobe combined to make Hani happier than Castiel had ever seen him.

Hani was the first to suggest that Castiel “come out” to his housemates, and he did so with Dean’s help. Something niggled at the back of his brain that Castiel  _ needed _ to make the rest of the household aware of his identity struggles. Though none of them had pressed him to date or do anything he didn't want to do, they did occasionally crack jokes that had made him uncomfortable. Explaining his asexuality would help them understand him better, and enable them to be more sensitive to his needs.

With Hani’s help, Castiel gathered everyone in the living room one night. Sam took the lead helping Castiel field the questions their friends had. Dean remained mostly quiet, a strong wall of support, adding in a word here and there as needed. Hani sat beside Castiel as he nervously discussed being asexual and what that meant.

"So, like, no interest in sex whatsoever?" asked Charlie curiously. Castiel relaxed. Curiosity was the best reaction he could hope for.

"No. I’ve never felt any attraction. I always wondered what other people were so excited about,” Castiel answered.

"I can’t even imagine," Ash mused. His eyes widened and he dropped his legs off the coffee table, leaning forward anxiously. He looked from Castiel, to Dean and back to Castiel. "Crap! I understand now. Shit, I’m so sorry Cas, really, I am!"

"Sorry about…?" Castiel eyed Ash, confused.

"Well, I mean, I didn’t know you were ace. Now that I think about it…shoulda been obvious but…that means, when I was trying to…that musta sucked!" Ash said. Castiel stared at him, dumbfounded.

"Slow down, Ash. I have no idea what you're talking about." Tilting his head, Castiel watched Ash, who grimaced apologetically.

"I promise, Cas, I don't force people to do stuff they don't want to do!" Everyone except Dean stared at Ash in confusion. “That’s not me, dude.”

" _ What did you do? _ Because I can't remember and now I'm…" Castiel gulped. The only night he really couldn't remember  _ anything _ after a certain point was the night he'd gotten drunk. Ash's words implied a lot of unpleasant things. Eyes widening in panic, Castiel struggled to breathe.

It wouldn't be the first time he'd forgotten a traumatic memory.

Locked onto Ash's eyes, Castiel dreaded what he would hear, bile rising in his throat.

"Ash, just spit it out!” Dean growled. “You're scaring Cas." Reflexively, Ash clamped his mouth shut, blinking. When Ash didn’t answer, Dean sighed and reluctantly continued, with less growl in his voice. "Cas, from what you told me, Ash kissed you. You didn’t say more but I don’t think anything else happened. I helped you to bed and that’s when we started talking about you being ace. I had no idea you’d forgotten it happened, or I’d have told you."

Dean turned toward Ash and sighed. "Ash, like I told ya that night, keep your hands to yourself next time. No one thinks you’re interested in Cas, so I have no idea what possessed you to kiss him in the first place. But a good rule of thumb? Before you kiss people, make sure they're actually interested."

Ash nodded, swallowed, and turned to Castiel, "I really am sorry, man. We were both drunk and I guess I misunderstood what you were talking about. I was trying to help and I figured most people are okay with just a kiss. That was, like, the stupidest thing ever. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable you must have been and I promise, I'll make it up to you somehow."

Slowly, Castiel relaxed and his breathing steadied. He was grateful Dean knew what had happened and was able to explain to calm him down. Castiel was relieved that they’d done nothing more than kiss. He was glad that Ash seemed genuinely concerned and regretful.

Castiel shivered at the thought of Ash kissing him.

He hated that he couldn’t remember.

Seriously, he was never drinking again.

"If it makes you feel better, I don't remember the kiss, so the distress I felt at the time is gone,” Castiel tried to reassure his friend. He took a deep breath. Ash had been wrong, but…”Knowing you did that to me does make me uncomfortable, but it will be fine if we can both move on and maybe just…never, ever mention it again?" He certainly did  _ not _ want to think about it.

"You got it." Ash didn't look relieved. Castiel thought he might look worse. Ash squirmed as everyone in the room continued to stare at him.

"God! I don't know if I can!" He burst out. "It does  _ not _ make me feel better that you don't remember it! Now I feel like I ruffied you or something! I never meant to take advantage of you!"

Castiel shuddered and Ash seemed to shrink in on himself. The rest of the room was quiet. The distress was palpable and painful.

Finally, Dean broke the silence with a sigh, rubbing a hand down his face. "Consider this a lesson on drinking, guys. Some of you are turning 21 this year. You need to be careful when you go out to parties or bars. Never go out alone, always use a buddy system, and watch your drinks. Know your limits and always have a designated driver. If you find yourself in trouble, or don't trust your driver, call me. I don't care how late it is, I'll come pick your asses up. And yes, this goes for the guys as well as the gals. Trust me.  _ Anything can happen to anyone. _ " 

There was a shuttered look in Dean's eyes. Castiel held his breath, his heart aching at the realization that Dean knew this from personal experience. Why had it never occurred to Castiel that any one of his friends may have had terrible experiences too?

The room was somber for quite some time after his words.

The doorbell ringing made them all jump. Kevin squeaked - he hotly denied it later - and the mood broke. Charlie ran to the door to grab the pizzas from the deliveryman, Sam following with the cash. After everyone settled down in the kitchen with a couple of slices each and a drink, the questions resumed.

"So, does this mean you'll never date anyone?"

Castiel shook his head, swallowing the bite of mushroom-and-sausage pizza in his mouth so he could speak. "Honestly, I don't know. If there  _ is  _ someone for me, when I meet them …maybe I’ll desire them like other people do. I don’t know; it hasn’t happened yet. But when I imagine my ideal relationship, I don't see sex being part of the equation." He sighed and looked down. "And I might not find someone who is okay with that."

"Don't think like that, Cas!" said Charlie cheerfully, her voice obscured by a mouthful of pizza. She hastily swallowed her food. "I know a couple who play in Moondor that met online. They're both  _ very _ ace and they're set to get married next year. It’s rare for ace folks to find someone, but it's not out of the realm of possibility. You just gotta believe!" She dropped the half eaten slice to clap her hands. "C'mon, dreamy, clap your hands if you believe."

"I'm not Tinker Bell," Castiel deadpanned and the table broke down into smothered laughter. His friends’ acceptance and encouragement nearly overwhelmed him and he felt better than he had in a long time. Hani beamed knowingly at Castiel. If anyone understood how nice it felt to be accepted for who they really were, it was his best friend.

Telling his friends was nearly as much of a relief to Castiel as the discovery that he wasn’t broken. Knowing he was asexual helped him feel more confident. Next time he was in an awkward situation related to relationships and sex, he’d know what to do.

Of course, being open about his asexuality didn’t mean all his problems were solved.

Over the course of the year, he spoke up about it when it seemed right or necessary to do so. Some people didn’t understand,  _ refused _ to understand. When Castiel told them he wasn't interested in dating, or explained that he was asexual, they were nasty to him. They’d insist he give them a try, or act like they were doing him a favor, or get angry and tell him he just hadn't met the right person yet, hinting all the while that  _ they _ were the right person. 

But there were also folks who listened, even if they didn't understand, and who asked him questions and tried to relate to him. That was all he wanted, and he made new friends, getting to know some of the people who accepted him when he explained his sexuality. 

He met more of the former than of the later, though, more people who aggressively pushed into his space and insisted that he try dating them. Fortunately, his friends were there to help.

Especially Dean.

Castiel found out how much after he braved the dating field for the first time in years. 

As Castiel explained to his friends, it wasn't that he was averse to dating. He was just  _ extremely  _ picky about who he would attempt to go out with with. Whoever he dated had to understand, first and foremost, Castiel’s limitations. That he was asexual and what that meant. That he was interested in emotional intimacy and not physical. 

Twice that year, he  _ thought  _ he found someone who could understand. 

“Whatever happened to the good old fashion terms? You know, straight or gay? I mean, seriously, what’s with all this extra bullshit?” A student sitting behind Castiel in his figure drawing crowd spoke so loudly that Castiel couldn’t ignore him. It was the beginning of the fall semester, and so far coming out had mostly gone well for Castiel, but hearing his classmate reminded him just how difficult a row he had to sow.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” scoffed another student. “Bi, pansexual, asexual, demi this, gray that, what the fuck?”

“Sounds made up if you ask me,” said the first student snidely.

Castiel put down his pastels and turned to face the two men talking behind him. He knew he should keep his mouth shut, but he couldn’t let their ignorant comments pass. “Actually, alternative sexualities aren’t made up. They’re very helpful to people who are different - to know they’re not alone, that other people feel the same way they do.”

“How would  _ you  _ know?” Both students looked like classic jock types, tall and polished. The taller one snorted belligerently at Castiel, lifting his chin. The other narrowed eyes at Castiel.

“Because I’m one of those sexualities you’re so casually dismissing - I’m asexual.” Outwardly, Castiel was calm. Inwardly, not so much. He’d never confronted someone like this, but he told himself it was worth the risks, if he could get them to understand or if someone else in the classroom overheard and understood themselves better after hearing Castiel speak openly about himself.

“So, what, you hate sex? What red-blooded American guy hates sex? What kind of a man are you?” the same man sneered. “You’re just a broken freak...or a freakin’ liar. Get over it! And anyway, I wasn’t talking to you, loser. Mind your own fucking business.”

Castiel opened his mouth, anger boiling quickly to the surface, swiftly followed by that old, familiar feeling that he was broken. He breathed in and opened a mouth to respond, but before he could a woman cut in. 

“Bart, that’s uncalled for!” The woman's tone was disapproving and Castiel staried at her in his surprise. He’d seen her in some of his other art classes. She was aesthetically pleasing, and she broke off glaring at Bart long enough to shoot Castiel a cocked smile.

“Come on, Daph, you can’t tell me you believe in this bullshit!” Bart complained, rolling his eyes at her.

“God, you’re an idiot. The world is filled with things we haven’t experienced. Life would be damn boring if we were all the same. Embrace the differences of those around you. Every new thing we learn is inspiration!” she said enthusiastically, tapping the easel in front of her, “You’ve got to keep an open mind.”

Grumbling, Bart turned away, and his friend rolled his own eyes and joined Bart, their voices too quiet for Castiel to hear as they continued their conversation. Castiel tried not to think about what they were saying. Instead, he turned to ‘Daph.’ 

“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”

She beamed at him. “No problem. I’m Daphne.” She offered him an ink stained hand. 

Castiel shook it. “I’m Castiel.”

“Are you named after an angel? This must be a sign! I knew you were going to be inspiration…” Daphne giggled.

“A…sign?” Had he missed something?

She never did explain what she meant.

Daphne was bubbly and continuously optimistic. She was creative and open to new experiences, and her hope and faith in people was infectious. Over the first month of class, they talked during studio sessions, and then they met outside class to sketch together, and when, finally, Daphne asked Castiel out on a date, he hesitantly agreed. 

She knew about Castiel’s asexuality, knew about his interests, and they had a solid friendship. He was hopeful, as he’d never been hopeful before at the start of a relationship, that this time things might work out.

No sooner had she gotten him alone that she proved she didn’t understand Castiel  _ at all _ .

“Stop! I told you, I don’t...I don’t do that kind of thing!” Heart pounding, Castiel pushed Daphne’s hands away as she crowded him against her couch. “I’m not  _ attracted _ to you, Daphne. I’m asexual!”

She snorted. “Like there’s any such thing. Asexuality is made up. I just didn’t like seeing those assholes bully you.” She climbed on his lap and Castiel shoved her off. She fell on her ass and glared up at him.

“What the hell was that for?”

“Whether you believe in my sexuality or not, I still said  _ no.  _ Forcing yourself on me is rape!” he gritted out, scrambling to his feet.

“But, you’re a man,” Daphne scoffed. “I knew you were weird, Castiel, but where did you grow up, the fricken moon? Women can't rape men. Who ever heard such a thing?"

“Yes they  _ can _ ,” Castiel snapped, stomach churning. “Touching me without my consent is  _ rape _ , Daphne!”

“Bullshit.” Daphne rolled her eyes. “I had no idea you were this ridiculous, Cas. How do you know you don’t like something if you’ve never tried?”

It took Castiel another five minutes to escape, shaking, from her apartment and call Dean for a ride.

The roar of the Impala as it came down the street soothed Castiel, though his eyes still stung with tears. Picking himself up from the bench of the park he’d retreated to after he’d escaped Daphne’s clutches, Castiel tried not to think about what had happened. He’d thought Daphne was his friend, but for her to treat him so dismissively, so aggressively, was terrible. Panic flickered through Castiel and he froze, breathing hard.

“Cas?” A door slammed and Castiel turned gratefully towards Dean. “What happened?”

“I…” Castiel paused and swallowed. “Can we go home, Dean?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Dean nodded and Castiel followed him back to the car. They drove in silence, but Castiel could feel the weight of Dean’s concern. They were almost back at the house when Castiel finally explained what had happened.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Dean snapped, slamming his hands on the steering wheel when Castiel was done. The Impala was parked in the driveway, the engine clicking as it cooled. 

“Can we just...can we stay in the car a bit longer? I’m not ready to face…” asked Castiel shakily. 

Dean nodded and talked softly. "Of course. Take all the time you need. Shit, that was…what happened was…it was wrong of her, Cas. You know that, right? What you told her was a hundred percent true and if she can't see that, then…then…" Dean struggled with his words and trailed off, but Castiel understood. He rubbed at his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Thank you Dean. I…Thank you."

"C'mere, you."

Castiel blushed but complied, sliding across the bench seat so that Dean could wrap his strong arms around him. Castiel relaxed into Dean’s soothing warmth. He closed his eyes and breathed. Just being held, pure and simple, was nice, and so necessary. But he and Dean didn’t have that kind of relationship. It was wrong of Castiel to want this from Dean, wrong of him to accept it. Reluctantly, Castiel forced himself to pull away.

"You okay?" Dean asked, catching Castiel's eyes.

Castiel nodded and they went inside. Castiel explained his date with a quick, “It didn’t go well,” and nobody mentioned Daphne again.

Castiel would have to be pickier. Castiel didn’t need fixing.

Castiel wasn’t broken.

Castiel went home for Thanksgiving with the intention of coming out to his family. His nerves thrilled unpleasantly the entire drive. He couldn’t understand why he was anxious. Surely, his sexuality - or lack thereof - would be acceptable to Naomi and his brothers and sister. They’d always been very open. As silence stretched out over the endless hours of the trip home, Gabriel finally poked Castiel, taking his eyes from the road long enough to shoot Castiel a curious glance.

“What’s going on, Cas?,” asked Gabriel. “You’re, like, freaking out over there.”

“I’m not  _ freaking out _ ,” Castiel lied, refusing to look at Gabriel.

“Uh huh...and I’m the King of Spain. Now talk! Did something happen?”

“What? N-no, of course not,” Castiel lied again. He blew out a tense breath. “Okay, maybe I’m a little nervous but...not for bad reasons. And I promise I’ll tell, but I want to talk to everyone together.”

“Family meeting?” Gabriel raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Yeah, family meeting,” Castiel agreed.

“And you’ll explain then?” 

Castiel sighed. “Yes, I’ll explain everything when we get home. Now stop pushing, Gabe.”

“Ok, fine,” Gabriel grumped. The drove on for a good hour, Castiel occupying himself with his sketchbook and the scenery. 

“Are you dating someone?” Gabriel blurted out of the blue.

“What? No!” Castiels pencil skittered across the paper in his surprise, leaving an unsightly line. Frowning, he tried to erase the damage to his picture. “Don’t try to guess. I said I’ll tell everyone together, and I meant it.”

Gabriel grumbled, but he dropped the subject as requested and moved on, discussing classes and speculating on Castiel’s plans after graduation - “I don’t know yet,” Castiel sighed - and how much further Gabriel had to go for his own degree.

They arrived at the Novak household late in the evening. As he got out of the car and retrieved his bags, Castiel shot a text to Hani, knowing he’d pass it on to everyone else, indicating that they’d arrived safe and sound. Castiel followed Gabriel into the house and was met with warm hugs and big smiles.

How happy everyone was to see him did a lot to ease Castiel’s nervousness. His family loved him, and were so expressive of their love, and it reassured him immensely..

When Castiel finally shut the door of his room and lay down to sleep, he realized that in light of his reception he was actually  _ excited _ for the ‘big reveal.’ He snorted into his pillow. Dean always made fun of him when he used air quotes. He fell asleep smiling.

The next day was Thanksgiving and the house was hectic, warm, suffused with wonderful smells, and filled with the sounds of people cooking and cleaning and playing pranks on each other. Castiel walked around with a smile on his face, chatting with his brothers and his sister, his mother, his grandfather, and the few extended family members who dropped by to say hello before returning to their own celebrations. Castiel had hoped to speak to everyone that morning, but there was no time.

Later.

He’d come out at dinner. 

The hustle and bustle calmed down when the food was ready. When Castiel brought the last platter of turkey to the table - a mix of white and dark meat - everyone was in their seats. He placed the plate on the table and sat down between his siblings as his grandfather recited Grace. Everyone bowed their heads and clasped their hands respectively, regardless of their personal views on God. Murmuring “Amen,” the relative quiet was broken immediately by “Pass the potatoes, please,” “Ew, you know I don’t like aspara - stop! Don't put that on my plate!”, until everyone had the food they wanted and the only sounds were chewing and happy murmurs and compliments on the excellent food.

“So, Mom, Cassie here has something he wants to tell us,” Gabriel said, shoving a forkful of candied yams into his face with a grin. 

“Oh? What is it?” Naomi turned to Castiel and he blushed, his nervousness flooding back. He dropped his fork and wiped his hands on his pants.

“Uh, yeah, I do. Um...I was waiting for...but I guess...now is a good time?” He looked around hesitantly. Everyone looked curious save Michael, who looked irritated

“Of course, now is great! Go ahead.” Naomi smiled sweetly and Castiel took courage from her enthusiasm, making sure not to look at Michael again as he spoke.

“I know you’ve wondered why I haven’t really dated.” Castiel took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I wondered too, honestly? So I looked into...how people are...and...I’m asexual, which means I, uh, don’t have much interest in…” he trailed off and shrugged.

“You don’t like sex?” Gabriel finished bluntly.

“Yes, exactly.” Castiel looked up at his mother, who was surprised but didn’t appear angry. He relaxed, shoulders slumping in relief. “I only recently figured it out. I always knew I was different but I couldn’t understand why I just thought I was...not normal.” He stared down at his plate, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “Um, so...yeah, that’s it. I wanted to tell everyone.”

“I’m so glad you felt you could share that with the family, honey,” Naomi said supportively. “‘Asexual’ is a new one for me, but if that’s what you are, then we’re fine with that.”

“ _ We  _ are not fine with that,” Michael growled. He tossed his napkin on the table and glared at Castiel. “You really  _ do _ want to drag this family down. It’s bad enough that - “

“Michael!” Naomi and Julian shouted at the same time.

“Shut the  _ fuck _ up!” snarled Gabriel, and Anna and Samandriel were talking too, and whatever else Michael said was drowned out. He paled as he looked from Naomi and Grandpa Julian. Both looked furious

Julian spoke first. “Your father was - what’s the word for it?” He glanced at Naomi..

“Bisexual.” 

“Ah, yes, that was it. Your father was bisexual. Did he drag this family down? No. Did this family support him? Yes. Your behavior these past few years has been...most un-familial. I’m disappointed in you Michael.”

“You’re not the only one disappointed, old man,” Michael sneered, rising. “All of you are out of your minds, enabling this ridiculous, juvenile behavior. Tell yourselves whatever you want, but I know broken when I see it. I’m done. Call me when you’ve come to your senses.” Castiel stared in horror as Michael stormed out of the room. Everyone at the table flinched when the front door slammed.

“Castiel? Are you all right?” Naomi asked. Castiel looked up at his mother. While he’d been watching Michael, she’d risen from her seat to kneel beside him, hands grasping his shaking arms.

He was shaking all over.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make a scene! I didn’t know Michael would leave. I ruined Thanksgiving! I’m so, so sorry!” Castiel babbled .

“Oh, baby...Michael’s been looking for an excuse for years. We’re not the family he thought we were, or the family he wanted. This isn’t your fault,” his mother said softly, holding his eyes with her own.

“But I broke us…” Castiel whispered.

Gabriel snorted, “We’re not broken, Cassie, just a little banged up around the edges. And honestly, whose family isn’t?”

Castiel huffed out a shaky laugh. His mother drew him into her embrace. He closed his eyes against her shirt and held her, feeling her acceptance in her quiet words, her warm arms. Calmed, he opened his eyes and pulled away. Castiel hadn’t cried, but his eyes were wet and he rubbed at them as he looked around the table. 

All he saw was love, acceptance and understanding.

It was amazing, that he came from a family like this. Castiel’s coming out could too easily have gone as badly as Hani’s.

Despite Michaels over-the-top reaction, this had gone well. Castiel didn’t understand why Michael had been so angry, but Castiel knew, too well, how much Michael disliked him. How could Michael come from such a loving and accepting family as this and behave the way he did? 

Castiel could only hope, for his mother’s sake, that this wouldn’t drive a permanent wedge between Michael and the rest of the family. But no one seemed to care that he didn’t come back. How awful was it that Castiel felt  _ relieved  _ that Michael had left?

Castiel returned to college feeling lighter for having come out, but guilty for what had happened with his brother. When Hani asked him his first night back how it had gone, Castiel hesitated. Hani’s family still wasn’t talking to him, and Castiel worried it was selfish of him to complain about a falling out with one brother .

“It...went well,” Castiel finally said. He avoided looking at Hani, but when his eyes fell on Dean he winced at Dean’s skeptical look of ‘you’re not telling the whole story.’ “I mean, nearly everybody was okay with it, so that’s good, right?”

“Michael?” Hani asked, sympathy in his eyes. Castiel nodded.

“I shouldn’t let it hurt. Michael never cared for me, and I’m used to that. I should be grateful he was the only one upset with me.” Castiel sighed.

“It always hurts when someone who should love you unconditionally turns their back on you,” Hani said with deep feeling. He knew better than anyone here.

“Yeah, man, besides, Michael was an asshat. I shoulda punched him again when I had the chance,” Dean managed around a mouthful of potatoes.

“Dean!” Sam yelped, appalled.

“What?” Dean paused, fork halfway to his mouth, “He deserved it. You didn’t hear the shit he said and from what Cas says, that was the tip of the iceberg.”

“Trust me, Dean, I’ve known Michael for years and I’m not surprised by his actions. I hoped for better from him, of course, but everyone else was okay with it, right?” Hani looked on in concern.

“Yes, they are.”

His assembled friends gave a sigh of collective relief and Castiel was reminded yet again why this house felt like home.

Between the tension at Thanksgiving and the welcome Castiel got “at home” in Chittenango, he decided to stay for Christmas. Hani wasn’t going back to Long Island either. Castiel didn't want to leave his friend alone. Plus, he himself was happy there, and celebrating the holidays with Dean and Sam and Hani felt  _ right.  _ Dean often said that 'family didn’t end with blood,' a sentiment he attributed to his Uncle Bobby, and Castiel felt that deeply. While he loved most of his relations, the bonds he’d formed with Hani, Sam, Dean, and his other friends were by choice, deep and meaningful as those with his “real” family members weren’t. His college friends truly were a second family and Castiel was so grateful to have met them. 

Their Christmas celebration was small: Dean, Sam, Castiel, Hani, and Charlie. Bobby would be visiting as well, and was set to arrive the day before Christmas Eve. In preparation for the holiday, the five housemates decorated, mixing each other's family traditions together to make their own unique celebrations. 

"Just so you know, um, I don't know if I mentioned this but Uncle Bobby is kind of, uh, in a wheelchair. And he tends to be surly. But really, he's a complete softy." Dean smiled nervously at Castiel and Hani - the only ones who hadn’t met Bobby before - and they assured Dean that they wouldn't take offense at anything Bobby said.

The morning of Bobby's arrival found Castiel and Hani sharing the upstairs bathroom as Castiel showed Hani the tricks to shaving around the angles of a face. Now that Hani’s facial hair was growing in, Hani usually had a permanent five o'clock shadow, but he thought that he should be clean-shaven to make a good first impression on the much-talked-about uncle.

"It can't be all that much different from shaving your legs," Castiel noted.

"I never did that," grumbled Hani.

"Ah. Well. Neither have I. Never understood why girls were expected to." Castiel shrugged as he turned back to the mirror to finish. He blinked as Hani stood up straight and he saw them clearly in the mirror side by side. Castiel frowned and looked closer, then turned to look at Hani head on. "Is it my imagination, or have you gotten taller?"

"Have I?" An excited look came to Hani’s face. "I was told it was possible that I _ could _ . There's a whole  _ list  _ of changes that will happen no matter what and some that only _ might _ happen." They stared at each other a moment, matching happy grins, but were interrupted by a knock on the open door.

"Is it my turn yet?" Sam slouched against the doorframe, yawning and rubbing at the scruff on his own face, clothes tucked under his arm. He looked sleepily at Castiel and Hani, noting their excited expressions. Suddenly more alert, Sam straightened up. "What's up?"

"We think Hani got taller!"

"No shit! Really? Let's check!" Sam reached into the bathroom, dropped his clothes on the closed toilet lid, and grabbed Hani's arm, tugging him into the hall. Laughing, Hani followed, and Sam let go, running downstairs.

"Dean! Dean, where's your tape measure?" Still at the top of the stairs, Hani and Castiel glanced at each other, amused by Sam’s excitement. 

Charlie stuck her head out of her room and rubbed her eyes. "What's goin' on? Why’s ev’ryone yellin’?”

"Sam is looking for a tape measure so we can see if I grew taller," Hani explained enthusiastically. 

Charlie's gasped. "Ooooh, I bet you have. I hear that's a thing. I wish I could. Now I wanna know too! And I should probably say hello to the old coot if he's here, which I'm betting he is."

Charlie ducked past them and rushed down the stairs after Sam, then shouted for Castiel and Hani to come down too, so they followed. Everyone congregated in the kitchen. Charlie’s prediction was right; a gruff bearded man in a baseball cap sat at the table, the wheelchair they were told to expect not visible from where Castiel stood. Sam triumphantly held up the tape measure, but measuring Hani was put on hold to make introductions.

Castiel watched Charlie, Sam and Dean banter with the older gentleman and Castiel could see that Dean had the right of it. Surly, yes. Perhaps a bit rough around the edges, but he was smart, and kind. The proud look in his eyes as he conversed with 'his boys' was all the proof Castiel needed that Bobby was a good man. Castiel liked the down-to-earth man and his droll sarcasm. 

Eventually, after much talk and a few mugs of coffee – Bobby slipped something into his and Dean rolled his eyes with an indulgent grin – they finally got the tape measure back out. Hani stood up straight and tall, grinning expectantly. 

Sam pulled it up and read it with glee. "Five foot ten…how tall were you before?"

"Five-eight! That’s…that's two whole inches!" Hani's eyes went wide. "But it’s only been a few months!" Sam let the tape measure slide closed and Hani received hugs and congratulations from everyone but Bobby, who looked confused.

Bobby never got the chance to ask. Dean guided Hani to the kitchen door frame, and now Castiel was confused as Dean spoke, "Hey, you artist types, either of you got a pencil on ya?"

"Not currently. What for?" Castiel cast about in the junk drawer, certain he'd seen a pencil or two in there recently. Finding one, he pulled it out triumphantly and passed it to Dean. Dean grinned, grabbed the pencil and held it above Hani's head.

"Now, stand tall, and still…" Dean scratched a mark into the frame. "There! You can step away." Dean wrote something next to the mark, but Castiel was too far away to see what. "Sammy, bring that tape measure back." With a knowing grin, Sam stepped up and Dean said, “measure me Hani’s old height.” Sam did so, and Dean made another mark. Castiel stepped closer to see what Dean had written, but Dean wasn’t done, so he stepped back again to wait. "While we're here - Sammy, your turn." Sam passed the tape measure to Dean and stepped up to the frame, standing tall and straight. 

It took a few minutes to measure all of them, including Dean, excluding Bobby, and when Castiel finally had a chance to take a closer look, he saw that Dean had written everyone’s name next to their hash mark, along with their height, the date, and their age. Castiel reached out to touch the doorframe bemusedly and looked up at Dean.

"Why did you do that?" Castiel asked, tilting his head to one side as he took in Dean and the doorframe.

Dean shrugged and slipped the pencil into his jeans pocket. "We did this when were growing up to see how tall we were at different ages. I'm all done growing, I figure, so my mark’s not gonna change much. But Sammy, now, pretty sure that kid’s still growing...and that Bobby's shrunk."

"You watch yourself, boy. I can still wheel circles around you." Bobby glared from under his cap and Dean laughed.

"It's a family thing." Sam explained when Dean didn't look like he was going to continue. "I always loved seeing how much I had grown. Bobby's kitchen door is  _ covered _ in marks."

"Oh…" Hani gave a small, soft gasp and raised a hand to cover his mouth, eyes twinkling with unshed tears. "Oh…" he sniffed, threw an arm around Dean and Sam’s necks and drew them in for a group hug. "Thank you." Dean patted Hani’s shoulder and Sam hugged back enthusiastically. Not to be left out, Charlie lunged forward and enveloped them as best she could with her shorter arms.

"Yeah, well, you guys are family," Dean muttered, blushing. Castiel touched his arm and Dean turned to look at him, his blush deepening.

"Thank you for including us in your family, Dean,” Castiel said seriously. “Thank you for  _ everything  _ you’ve done for us. I know it's selfish of me, when I have my own family, but I fit in here and Hani…I’ve never seen him so happy. You and Sam and everyone give him so much love and support."

"Well, ain’t this a fantastic little love-in? I hate to break it up, but what's a man gotta do to get some grub 'round here? I drove a long way to get here an' I'm starvin'." The gruff words were dismissive, but Castiel saw tears rimming Bobby’s eyes. Now Castiel knew where Dean got his habit of making light of situations that emotionally affected him.

"We were planning to do big fancy dinners but keep other meals simple, and we have some shopping to do. How ‘bout sandwiches?" Dean grinned at his uncle.

"Sounds like heaven, boy." Bobby smiled back.

"Sandwiches it is." 

Dean bustled about in the kitchen and Castiel watched, thinking on how much Dean liked taking care of people. Castiel offered to help and Dean gladly took it. Before long, they had more sandwiches than six people could eat spilling over the plates they brought to the table. Sam and Charlie had both dashed off for a quick shower, Sam grabbing the upstairs and Charlie grabbing the downstairs, and both returned just as Castiel and Dean set the sandwiches down.

After they’d eaten and everything was cleaned up, Dean, Castiel and Hani left to go grocery shopping while Sam and Charlie stayed behind to keep Bobby company. It was a busy day; after the shopping, Dean started baking, Sam and Charlie decked the halls, and Hani, Castiel and Bobby jumped in to help wherever they could. Anyone who wasn't cooking was banished from the kitchen, so as everyone save Dean finished up their tasks, they congregated in the living room. The entertainment center wasn't as fancy as the one in the basement, but there was no handicapped access to the basement so they set up the upstairs TV to play Christmas movies as background noise while they hung out. It was as nice a Christmas Eve as Castiel could remember having - relaxed, familial, welcoming, caring. 

There was a ton of baking to do, but Dean paused long enough to call everyone in to eat the gigantic shepherd's pie he'd made for dinner. The pie was no sooner devoured than Dean placed a platter of cookies into Castiel's hands and shooed them out of the kitchen so he could get more baking done.

After setting the cookies down in the living room, Castiel returned to the kitchen, lingering in the entryway. Hands hooked into his back pockets, he watched Dean work. Every movement Dean made was hypnotizing. Castiel shook his head. He didn’t want to be caught staring.

This was ridiculous. The best part of the holidays was getting to spend them with your loved ones, and yet Dean was trapped in the kitchen in self-imposed exile.

“Can I help with anything, Dean?” Castiel asked, not daring to step into the room until Dean answered him. Dean wouldn’t get mad, but Castiel didn’t want to intrude if Dean truly preferred to work alone.

“Sure, if you promise not to set anything on fire.” Dean turned and grinned.

Castiel grinned back. “I’ve already proven that I am nowhere near as inept as Gabriel in the kitchen.”

“Yeah, you’ll do...get your ass over here, Cas.” 

Castiel stepped up beside him. “What do you want me to do?”

“Here - I’ve got the dough made for these cookies, why don’t you drop them on the cookie sheets? You know how to do that, right?”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Yes, Dean.”

They worked side by side in companionable silence aside from occasional murmured instructions. It felt good - warm and cheery and comfortable. Hours passed largely unnoticed, until Castiel looked up from washing the dishes and realized, with a glance at the clock, how late it was. 

“That’s the last of ‘em for the night, Cas. Why don’t you join the others? I’ll be right behind you.” Dean handed Castiel a towel to dry his hands

“Of course. Thanks for letting me help.”

“No problem. Anytime.” Dean gave him a friendly shoulder slap and Castiel rejoined everyone in the living room. True to his word, Dean followed moments later, yawning as he dropped onto the couch between Castiel and Sam.  _ It's a Wonderful Life _ reached its climax on the screen but Castiel didn’t think anyone was actually paying attention. Dean zoned out as soon as his ass hit the couch. His head was slumped back on the cushions and his arms stretched across the back of it. Castiel exchanged fond looks and rolled eyes with Sam. Minutes later, chatting with Charlie, Castiel almost jumped when Dean’s head hit his shoulder. Castiel went to wake him, then, with a fond smile decided to leave him be. Dean was warm, and had been working nonstop all day. Castiel could be a pillow for him.

The next morning was more of the same. Breakfast was leftover shepherd's pie. Afterwards, Dean and Charlie left to get a tree. Sam enlisted Castiel’s help getting the Christmas ornaments from the attic crawl space, and their early afternoon was taken up with hanging ornaments. Castiel thought the tree was done when Bobby cleared his throat and nudged Sam. Sam ran and grabbed some packages from behind the couch. At Bobby's urging, Sam looked at the name tags and passed them out.

"It's not Christmas yet, but I brought a little somethin' fer the tree. Figured ya’ll would want to finish the decorations before Christmas mornin', so here ya are. They ain't much, just trifles I made in my spare time, but I thought they'd bring a little somethin' to the tree."

"Dude, Bobby, this is awesome!" Dean pulled a carved, painted replica of the Impala from his box, while Sam grinned widely and hung an ornament shaped like a stack of books. Charlie's was an elf and Hani’s was an old fashioned paint palette and brush. 

To Castiel's surprise, there was one for each of them. Since he’d never met Bobby before, Castiel hadn’t expected a gift. Excited, he opened his box and peered inside. Within was a little ferret with wings. The intricate details were incredible. “Bobby, this is amazing,” Castiel said, awed. He ran his fingers over the wooden ornament, feeling all the tiny little grooves that gave it the appearance of having fur. 

Dean beamed at Castiel and Hani. “Isn’t Bobby the best?” Bobby flushed red in pleased embarrassment and tried to change the subject. It didn’t stop Castiel from thinking about the ornament. It was proof - not that he’d been looking for any - that Dean talked about him to his uncle; otherwise, how would Bobby know that Castiel wished he had a ferret? It even had bee’s wings. Yeah, Dean definitely talked to Bobby about him.

There was more decorating and food prep to do, but the evening passed quickly. It wasn’t even Christmas day yet but Castiel could already tell this would be one of the best Christmas’ of his life. There was even bacon.

Christmas dawned bright and clear and Castiel felt the first twinges of nerves. This was his first Christmas away from home. Castiel had no idea how other families celebrated the holiday. At the Novak house, every year Gabriel woke everyone at 6 am by ringing a gong, storming into rooms, and bouncing on beds. At Dean’s house, Castiel slept in. It was after 9 when he wandered into the kitchen, and he wasn’t the last. Hani joined them late while Sam was trying his hand at making pancakes under Dean's tutelage. Despite Dean’s teasing and Sam’s apologies, the pancakes turned out well. They took their plates and their breakfast drinks of choice - Castiel had tea - and, in their PJs, they sat around the tree. The lights twinkled merrily and Castiel savored the slow start to the day.

To the sounds of Christmas music playing on a station Dean found on the radio, Charlie and Sam passed out the gifts. They took turns opening them, sometimes with a "Wait, you have to open  _ this _ one before  _ that _ one or it won't make sense" tossed in. Castiel liked everything he received - he got art supplies, an asexual pride flag from Charlie, and more - and was pleased with the reactions that the gifts he gave others garnered, but the highlight of his day was definitely the present he received from Dean: a hand made leather-and-metal bracelet etched with his name and strange symbols. Hani got one too. Castiel loved them, the more so when he realized that everyone else wore similar bracelets. Sam softly noted that it meant Dean considered them family.

Both of them had to fight back tears.

All in all, it was a joyous morning. 

Everyone looked forward to dinner and Dean didn't disappoint. Castiel was certain there was enough pie to last through New Years. 

Sam insisted the pies would never make it.

Castiel didn’t believe him.

Castiel was wrong. 


	9. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the (should be) immortal words of Sam Winchester: "Finally!"

Spring came and Castiel found himself, for the most part, content. His classes were interesting enough to keep him busy, life at Dean’s house was, as always, awesome, and, after a lot of hemming and hawing and soul searching, Castiel decided to try dating again.

All of his roommates save Hani were shocked when Castiel brought over Crowley and announced that they were boyfriends. Somehow, it hadn’t occurred to any of them that Castiel was biromantic. Castiel couldn’t have said how he and Crowley ended up a couple. Sometimes, he wasn't even sure he  _ liked  _ Crowley, despite his sardonic sense of humor and cutting wit. Yet, with the anniversary of Jimmy’s death approaching, Castiel was desperate for anything to take his mind off things. Whatever else he could say about Crowley, the man was an excellent distraction. While they were together, Castiel didn’t have time to mope.

The best part was that when Castiel sat Crowley down early in their relationship and explained his asexuality, Crowley “got it.” Not only was he fine with Castiel’s disinterest in sex, he went one step further than any of Castiel’s past partners had: Crowley never pushed for  _ more.  _ Crowley asked - he  _ asked! - _ if kissing would be all right, and accepted when Castiel said kissing was fine but nothing more would be. They went out to dinner, talked, watched movies, and shared the occasional, respectful kiss. Kissing Crowley wasn’t earth shattering, didn’t move Castiel or open his eyes to a new world of sexuality, but he enjoyed their time together. 

Most of the time. 

But Castiel figured that was normal. No couple was happy 100% of the time, were they?

Then the rumors started.

“Castiel and  _ Crowley _ ?”

“I know, right? Crowley will fuck anything that moves. They  _ must  _ be having sex.”

“God, Castiel is such a liar!”

Variations of that conversation followed Castiel in whispers all over campus. Castiel ignored them. He and Crowley understood each other, Castiel’s friends understood him, and nothing else mattered. For the first month, everything was fine. Until…

“Are those hickeys?”

“No, no, I’ve heard it all from Sam and Ash - they know Castiel really well and they say he’s definitely ace.”

“Oh.”

“Oh is right!”

“Oh?”

“What a chump! Who do you think Crowley is plowing instead?”

“Could be Ruby, or maybe…”

Castiel tried to tune out  _ those _ whispers, but it was significantly harder. Castiel was broken, wasn’t he? How could anyone who wasn’t as broken as he be content with him? Everyone agreed Crowley had appetites. He must be satisfying them somewhere. Castiel wanted to trust Crowley, he truly did, but he couldn’t quiet his fears.

Communication was the key to relationships.

Castiel resolved to talk to Crowley about what he’d overheard.

The worst part was that Crowley didn’t even attempt to deny what he’d done. "Well, if I can't get it from you, darlin', then I've got to get it from someone. It’s not  _ my _ fault you’re not a  _ real man _ . You have no one to blame but yourself."

"But you knew that I…before we even  _ started… _ God _ … _ how _ could  _ you? You...you... _ asshole _ . Why did you agree to date me if that's how you felt?" 

It made no sense to Castiel. Why couldn’t Crowley have been straight with him from the start? Crowley was right. It  _ was _ all Castiel’s fault, for getting his hopes up again, for forgetting that he was broken.

"You’re easy to dupe, darlin’,” Crowley explained negligently. “I thought you might be going places after college. Wanted to pick a winning horse. Couldn’t let someone  _ else _ ride you to the finish line. No matter, plenty of other fish in the sea. Better yet, if I’m with one of them I’ll get some without all this whiny insipid  _ conversation _ you insist on. You're damaged goods, Castiel. Someday you’ll realize how good you had it with me. Now run along, boy."

Castiel walked home in a daze. At least Crowley didn’t follow him or try to touch him sexually or hit him but the words alone…Castiel’s heart ached and tears stung his eyes. As his last conversation with Crowley repeated endlessly in his head like a broken record, Castiel desperately wished Dean was there to chase the words away.

"Cas? You all right?" Dean’s voice broke through Castiel’s dreary thoughts, and Castiel nearly sobbed in relief. His vision cleared to show him Dean frowning at him in concern, green eyes staring into Castiel’s. They were in the kitchen. Castiel scarce recalled getting home. Dean’s hands were on his shoulders. At least no one else seemed to be around. Castiel suspected he was minutes from a break down. He opened his mouth to lie and tell Dean he was fine, but his chest tightened painfully and Castiel instead shook his head silently. 

“I’m not broken,” Castiel whispered without conviction, leaning into Dean’s arms and taking what comfort he could. Taking a deep breath, he continued, ”I'm done, Dean. I can't keep putting myself out there like this. I give up." 

Gathering his frayed willpower, Castiel waited for Dean to give him the familiar speech that  _ Castiel should keep trying! He was young! He hadn’t found the right person yet but the right person was out there!  _ Instead, Dean rose, pulling Castiel to his feet also. “C’mon, Cas. Let’s go do something fun!” 

Relief, so powerful it was dizzying, swept over Castiel. Dean didn’t think Castiel should keep trying. He didn’t think he knew better than Castiel what was best for Castiel. Bemused and happy and calmer than he’d been since he confronted Crowley, Castiel allowed Dean to lead him to the Impala. Throughout the walk, a warm hand rested between Castiel's shoulder blades, grounding him. 

The drive was longer than Castiel expected.

“Where are we going, Dean?” he finally asked.

“Did you know there’s a Wizard of Oz mini golf course in town? It has 3 different courses! East, West and North.”

“What about South?”

Dean shrugged. “Ain’t no south. I think it has to do with the witches from the movie or something. I dunno. But it’s  _ mini-golf _ ! I’ve been wanting to check it out for ages. I promise, this’ll be fun! Whaddaya say - best of three?”

Castiel agreed with a nod. Dean’s enthusiasm was, as always, irresistible and contagious.

They started with the west course, which did seem themed after the witch from what Castiel could remember of the movie. Castiel kept score, though Dean kept peeking over his shoulder to double check the math.

“Don’t you trust me?” Castiel’s head tilted as he stared at Dean.

“‘Course I trust you, Cas. But this is mini-golf!” Dean grinned. “The score is  _ super  _ important. How else can I prove that I’m the champ?”

Moments later, Dean watched his ball roll back towards him off the ramp for the third time. Frustrated, he caught it with his foot, pushed it back into place and proceeded to give it a harder whack than before. The dark blue ball whizzed up the ramp, jumped it, and sailed over the edge and into the hole at the end of the course instead of rolling down the tightly winding spiral trail like it was supposed to. 

“How the hell did you manage  _ that, _ Dean?” Castiel said, awed.

“Damned if I know, but I am  _ not _ arguing a hole in one.” Dean laughed. Castiel couldn’t help but grin. Castiel’s pencil scratched across the card and Dean's face fell. “Awww, Cas! Have a heart! Don’t mark those other tries down! That shot was one in the million! It was awesome! It should be commemorated or something! I bet nobody else has ever done  _ that _ on this hole.”

Castiel smirked. “Maybe not, but you still had to take four tries, and by the rules you get a three stroke penalty.”

Dean grumbled but he was still grinning. By the time they’d worked through each course, Castiel had smiled so much that his jaw ached and he couldn’t bring himself to care. It was a great night, Castiel felt way better, and even Dean couldn’t get too upset that the final score was a tie.

Three weeks later, Crowley showed up to class with a black eye, a dislocated jaw, and a broken nose. He avoided Castiel like the plague; anytime his gaze drifted Castiel’s way he jerked away, terrified. It was a pleasant change from the snide remarks Crowley had been spewing since their break up, and Castiel heaved a sigh of relief. Crowley would have been easy to forget about if only he’d stopped being such a jerk. Everyone in class sniggered that Crowley wouldn't be chasing any 'tail' for a while, not looking like that, and Castiel couldn’t help joining in their amusement. Crowley deserved to suffer a little, after what he’d done. 

Castiel noted Dean's scraped knuckles at dinner that night. 

They didn't speak about it.

True to his word, Castiel didn’t bother trying to date again. If somehow he met the right person that everyone kept insisting existed, he hoped to God he'd recognize them, but he wasn't looking. As he had told Dean, he was done. Sometimes, Castiel wished he wasn’t alone - his friends and family were great but he couldn’t snuggle up to them at night, couldn’t kiss them, couldn’t hug them when he felt low or tired. When Castiel felt particularly lonely, he’d lie in bed staring at the springs of Hani’s bunkbed above him, twisting the bracelet Dean had given him around and around his wrist. Castiel never took it off except to shower; he only removed it then because he was afraid the water would ruin it. Remembering that even if he never found a companion he still had a  _ family _ brought Castiel a measure of comfort and calmed his mind enough to sleep.

Castiel went home for most of the summer. He was surprised to find that thinking of his mother’s house in Long Island as  _ home _ felt weird. His true home was with the Winchesters and Hani and his other college friends. He missed them a lot, but it had been too long since he’d spent an extended period with his family, and he missed them, too. If only everyone lived closer together! 

Gabriel taught him to drive - though Dean had offered more than once, much to Sam’s unending surprise. After what happened to Jimmy, Castiel had been anxious about learning - what if he proved to be as poor a driver as the woman who’d caused the accident? – but Gabriel insisted that whether or not he ever used the skill, Castiel should know how. Once Castiel started learning, it wasn’t so bad. He wished that he’d accepted Dean’s offer.

Anna was looking into colleges, though she still had another year before she actually left. When she wasn't busy with that, she was rarely home, intent on getting as much time with her friends as possible. 

Castiel spent most of his time with Samandriel. They'd emailed back and forth throughout the school year; Samandriel had many questions. Castiel had kept the entire family - minus Michael - in the loop on how things were going for Hani, but Samandriel was by far the most interested in Hani’s transition. By the end of the summer, with Gabriel and Castiel present for support, Samandriel shakingly talked to their mother.

“So...um...I think I’m a girl?” Samandriel managed, terrified, unable to even look at Naomi.

There was a pause that felt endless and then Naomi wrapped Samandriel in a hug and whispered in her ear, loud enough for the others to hear, "I always wanted another little girl." 

Samandriel burst into tears. "You're not mad, mama?"

"No, baby, I'm not mad. I want you to be happy and true to yourself," Naomi said gently, carding her fingers through Samandriel’s hair.

"What about our neighbors? And, you know, your friends?" Samandriel’s voice quavered.

"You don't worry about them. If they say something, I'll put them in their place. And so will your brothers and Anna. You take care of you." Naomi let go and wiped Samandriel’s eyes, smiling approvingly at her other two sons. "Thank you for helping Samandriel. This is always what I've felt being a family means.”

Gabriel snorted. “Too bad Michael didn’t get that message.” 

Naomi shot Gabriel a quelling look before turning back to her daughter. “Should I still call you Samandriel? Is there a name you prefer? Do you know yet?" 

She nodded and swallowed. "I like Samantha. And Gabe, please don't call me Alfie anymore."

"Of course baby bro...I mean…crap, sorry!" Gabriel smacked himself in the head as Samantha smiled at him.

"It's okay. Castiel and Hani warned me that it could take some time for everyone to adjust, and that not everyone who forgets is doing so intentionally. I'm okay." The good cheer in Samantha’s voice made Castiel smile. 

"That was a good catch. I’m not sure I would have noticed without you pointing it out, and because we suspected, we could help. This will make…her…so happy. You're a good brother." Castiel smiled at Gabriel fondly. Gabriel rolled his eyes and put Castiel into a headlock. "Ow! I take it back! Worst brother,  _ wors _ t brother!"

Naomi enthusiastically set about helping her daughter prepare for the changes being trans necessitated in her life. Castiel sighed, relieved - but not surprised - that things had gone so well. 

The summer passed more quickly than Castiel’s previous summers had. While he was sad to leave his home in Long Island, he was excited to return to his home in Chittenango. Gabriel and Samantha drove up with Castiel. Castiel ached to think this could be his last year living with Dean and his other friends. He’d be graduating soon. Then what? 

He didn’t want to leave.

When they arrived in Chittenango, Samantha tested out her new clothes and was introduced to new people as a girl for the first time. Samantha gaped in awe when she got to see Hani for the first time in a year. Seeing pictures had apparently not prepared her for the reality. Between his top surgery and the hormones he’d taken, Hani was scarce recognizable as the person he’d been before he started his transition. 

Shyly, Samantha talked with Hani, Charlie, Garth and Kevin, who had come out to help Castiel unload. There were a few missing faces, Castiel noted, wondering where Dean, Sam and Jo were. But when he asked, he only got an unhelpful, “Out,” from Garth and a shrug from Kevin. Charlie and Hani were both too preoccupied with Castiel’s sister to hear him.

Hani gave Samantha a gentle hug and some encouraging words Castiel wasn’t sure he’d been meant to hear. “Be strong, Samantha, but don’t be afraid to ask for help. You can always ask me, if you feel uncomfortable turning to your family, but don’t forget, they love you for you. They’re just as happy to help as I am.”

Charlie squeed and hugged Samantha hard enough that she grunted. "You’re  _ adorable! _ " 

Samantha was as happy as Castiel had ever seen her when she got back in the car with Gabriel to return to Long Island. Castiel waved from the door, Hani and Charlie beside him. Garth and Kevin had scampered back to their room to unpack.

"So, what’s new?" Castiel asked as the three of them headed to the kitchen for drinks and chips. He wondered what the dinner plans were. This was the first night with a full house; past years, Dean had thrown a party to celebrate everyone returning.

"Actually, lots!" Charlie enthused, leaning over the table conspiratorially, "It was the summer of loooooove! Like, I swear, there was something in the water – Sam started dating a girl named Jess, who I guess was in some of his classes last year? I think he’s out with her right now. I found someone too! Her name is Gilda and she's gorgeous and smart and she totally loves LARPING! I can’t wait to introduce you to her! And Dean's been dating Benny. He’s here  _ constantly _ . I totally called that one, by the way! Oh, but  _ Gilda _ ! She’s  _ amazing _ , Cas..."

The longer Charlie spoke, the more Castiel’s stomach sank. He was happy for Sam and Charlie...and Dean, too...but disappointed that no one had bothered to even text him the good news. And the thought of Dean with someone...hurt. He tried to clear his head and pay attention to Charlie’s gushing about her girlfriend, but it was hard.

“...and this one time, she--”

“Sorry, Charlie,” Castiel interrupted unhappily. “I’m really tired from the trip. I’m gonna go rest, okay?”

“Oh...yeah, sure! Sorry to talk your ear off,” Charlie said. Castiel rose to go. “Hey, is everything okay?”

Castiel shot a wan smile over his shoulder. “Yeah, everything is fine.”

It was a relief to escape upstairs.

He lay on his bed, his left hand wrapped around the leather bracelet on his wrist. What was wrong with him? Why did finding out Dean was dating hurt? Was Castiel  _ jealous  _ of Benny? As implausible as it seemed, Castiel could think of no other explanation for his reaction. Castiel had no right to be jealous. Dean had never shown any interest in Castiel. Besides, he knew Dean had a…what had Sam called it? “An overly active libido.” 

Dean would never be satisfied with Castiel.

But it hurt. God, how it hurt.

_ Why _ did it hurt?

Dean was  _ important _ . But many of Castiel’s friends were important to him. He loved Hani like a brother, and Charlie and Kevin and Garth and Sam and Jo and even Ash mattered to Castiel. Finding out that Sam and Charlie were dating didn’t upset Castiel. He was happy for them; reflecting on their good news actually helped push away the depression that tugged him down. As soon as his thoughts drifted back to Dean and Benny, though, he sank into the doldrums again.

Dean was important and Dean was  _ different _ .

Dean never judged Castiel. Dean never pushed Castiel. Dean always supported Castiel. Dean had helped Castiel understand asexuality and understood asexuality himself. Dean supported Castiel’s friends, helped Hani, helped  _ everyone _ around him. Dean was beautiful and kind and talented and smart and…

...wait…

... _ am I in love with Dean Winchester _ ?

Since puberty Castiel had tried to figure out why he was broken by listening closely to everyone around him when they talked about love, attraction, affection, romance. Nothing he’d ever felt sounded like what they described.

What he felt for Dean - the jealousy curdling his thoughts, the pain clenching his chest - sounded  _ exactly _ like what they had described.

_ I am. I’m in love with Dean. _

_ And he’s in love with Benny. _

_ Even when I’m not broken I can’t get anything right. _

Castiel didn't even realize he was crying until Hani sat on the bed next to him and drew him into a fierce hug, tucking Castiel’s face into his shoulder. Castiel's hand came up and gripped Hani's shirt as tears rolled silently down his face.

"Oh, Cas…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Hani murmured sadly. “You spent so much time with him that I wondered...but I thought…and you never said anything...”

"I…I shouldn't be crying. It's selfish of me. I have no right to Dean. Until now, I didn't even realize that I…" Castiel sniffled, trying to hold back, but he couldn’t stop the tears. "...and I know he could never return these feelings. Any…any relationship we could have, it…it would be unequal. It wouldn't be remotely fair."

"Shh…it's not selfish to love somebody, Cas. Don't ever think that. And Dean is lucky to be loved by you. You've been my best friend for such a long time, and you’re one of the best men I know. You give so much to those around you and you never ask anything in return. Dean's the same way, you know, and I think…maybe that’s why you love him. To be honest, I always thought…never mind, it doesn't matter."

Castiel wasn’t sure how long he cried, but Hani never let him go.

Castiel felt like a fool. He and Dean weren’t a thing. They’d never  _ been _ a thing.

They never would be a thing.

The front door slammed surprisingly loud and echoed up the stairs, startling Castiel from his grief. He drew away from Hani’s embrace with a hiccough, wiping his eyes, looking around for a tissue.

"There’s a box of tissues in the bathroom,” Hani said. “I’ll be right back." Castiel nodded. Hani left the room while Castiel breathed, doing his best to ignore his heartache. Hani returned a moment later with tissues. “Can I get you anything else?” Castiel shook his head. “‘Kay. I’m going to see what’s happening downstairs. Come get me if you need  _ anything _ , got it?” Hani didn’t leave until Castiel agreed.

When Castiel finally felt composed enough to leave their room, he headed for the kitchen. It had been hours since he’d eaten. He didn’t feel hungry, but he supposed he should give it a try. 

He froze in the kitchen doorway.

Though Dean was the only person in the room, he was so disgruntled that he seemed to fill the space. Castiel couldn’t bring himself to enter; instead, he watched Dean barrel around cleaning aimlessly, debating the wisdom of intruding when Dean was so obviously upset. Not only did Dean not seem to notice Castiel standing there and watching, but the longer Castiel watched, the clearer it became that Dean’s banging around the kitchen was mostly accidental. Whenever he started a task, he’d mess up, drop things, trip over the things he’d drop, spill other things...it was hard to watch. 

Whatever had upset Dean, Castiel was afraid he'd hurt himself. 

He hated seeing Dean like this.

Mind made up, Castiel stepped into the kitchen and said, "Dean?"

Dean jumped and dropped the pot he'd been pulling out of the lower cabinet, straightening quickly and hitting his head on a cabinet door he'd left open. Castiel winced in sympathy. 

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Dean bit out harshly. He closed his eyes and sighed. "I’m sorry, Cas. I’ll be fine, I guess. Don't worry about it."

"How could I not?" Castiel stepped closer, but Dean turned away from him and leaned on the counter, head low. "What happened?"

"I don't even know where to start," Dean's whispered softly enough that Castiel had to step closer to hear him. Hesitantly, Dean looked up and met Castiel’s eyes. "I don't want to talk about it out here." 

"Of course, Dean," Castiel said, stepping back to give Dean space. “I’m sorry I intruded.”

“No!” Dean exclaimed. Startled, Castiel stopped. “No...I meant...I probably should talk about it. But...not here.”

“Oh!” Castiel smiled uncertainly and gestured out of the kitchen. Dean’s gaze followed Castiel’s movement and he hesitated. This uncertain, sad Dean was unfamiliar to Castiel and his heart hurt even worse than earlier. Dean was supposed to be happy, dating Benny, building a life for himself. If Castiel could help comfort Dean, then, dammit, he would help. 

At least one of them could be happy.

Finally, Dean nodded and pushed away from the counter, heading towards the privacy of his room. Castiel followed close behind. Once the bedroom door was shut and they had some privacy, Dean took a seat on the edge of the bed, his back bowed as he stared at his hands where he’d propped them between his legs. Sitting beside him, Castiel placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean shuddered and took a deep breath but his voice came out as a whisper. "I’m so, so sorry Castiel."

"For what?" Castiel asked.

"I tried…I tried so hard not to…but I couldn't. Even dating Benny, I couldn't…" Dean heaved a breath, and another. His words came out broken, like he was barely holding back sobs.

"Dean, what's wrong? I can't help you if you don't talk to me," Castiel encouraged.

"I know, I know, but if I say it…you'll hate me, Cas." Dean’s voice hitched again, throbbing with deep emotion.

"That couldn't be further from the truth." It was the closest Castiel would ever come to saying  _ I love you. _ There was no way he’d ever tell Dean.

Dean shook his head. His shoulders trembled, tears pooled in his eyes, and he refused to look up and meet Castiel’s worried gaze. 

"Please, Dean? Tell me What’s wrong. Let me help." Castiel moved his hand from Dean's shoulder, sliding around to his back, rubbing soothing circles into the strong muscles. Dean's breath hitched again and he leaned into the contact, eyes slipping closed. A lone tear slid out of the corner of his eye.

"Cas…” he breathed. “That feels...I…I love you, man. And I know you're not interested. So I tried to...to give you space, to not love you, to fall in love with someone else. I thought I could love Benny. Maybe if I had never met you, I might have, but I can't imagine not knowing you, Cas. And I was afraid if I told you, you'd leave the house. Leave me. But Benny knew, he knew the whole damn time and tonight was the last straw for him, I guess. Told me to fess up and stop pretending by dating him. I told him I wasn't pretending. He said ‘Yeah, you are. Now go find yer angel.’ And here I am, pouring my heart out to you and I know you're going to  _ hate _ me for this and...I don’t know what to do, Cas."

Wild hope surged in Castiel’s breast. His rubbing motions stuttered. Dean whimpered, curled in on himself. Castiel hesitantly wrapped his arms around him, allowing Dean time to pull away, if he wanted, threading his fingers into Dean’s spiky hair, daring to drop a soft kiss on the top of Dean’s head. 

"Shh…Dean, shh….it's okay," Castiel whispered.

"No, it's not. I’m ruining our friendship with every fucking word that comes out of my fucking mouth." Dean struggled to push Castiel away, and Castiel reluctantly let him, giving Dean the space he needed. 

"Listen to me, Dean. Two of us having crying bouts of ridiculous self pity in one day is two too many," Castiel admonished. The perplexed look on Dean's face as he turned to Castiel almost made him laugh. "God, the two of us…soap operas have nothing on our lives." Watery green eyes met Castiel’s supportive gaze.

"Cas, what...?" Dean asked.

"I came home today and found out that you were dating Benny. I was...surprisingly heart broken. Before I came down to the kitchen I spent hours crying." Castiel huffed a laugh, tears pooling in his eyes again. "And then I tried to convince myself it didn't matter what I felt, 'cause you'd never be happy with me. I want you to be happy, Dean. That’s all that matters to me."

"Cas?" Dean breathed his name like a prayer, eyes wide.

"I don't know if we could work. Me being…me." Castiel's voice shook. "But hearing you say that you...you... _ care _ about me…it gives me hope. Makes me want to risk everything to be with you, but I don't see how you could ever be…Dean...could you be happy with me?"

"Cas…" Dean's voice broke as his fingertips tentatively slid up over the scruff on Castiel's cheek. "How can you doubt that? Living with you, getting to know you...I’ve been happier these last few years than any other time in my life. When you left for the summer it was agony. I’m not shitting you.  _ I love you _ , just the way you are. But you’re ace, and I get that, and I know what it means, so while it broke my heart, I stayed away."

"Dean, I…I'm sorry. It’s not too late. I...I think I love you too. Maybe. At least...with you, I want to try." Castiel closed his eyes and pressed his head into Dean’s hand.

"May I kiss you, Cas?" Dean’s asked hesitantly, hopefully.

“Please,” Castiel breathed, leaning forward but still hesitating. Dean nodded, and that was all the encouragement Castiel needed. They leaned together and Castiel pressed a gentle, trembling kiss to Dean's lips. With a sigh, Dean reciprocated, and one kiss became two, three, many kisses. At first, the kisses were only gentle pecks, warm lips meeting and pressing together softly. The longer they touched, the more they opened up to each other. Each kiss was tentative, Castiel unsure, Dean afraid of moving too fast or doing more than Castiel was comfortable with. Dean’s hesitant concern made Castiel braver as they fell onto the bed, wrapped together, each kiss lasting longer and longer before they finally drew back to catch their breaths. 

Castiel felt  _ fantastic _ .

Nothing was missing when he kissed Dean. Nothing felt weird or off. Dean didn’t push him, didn’t touch him in unwelcome ways, didn’t push for more.

They remained wrapped in each other's warmth, sharing the hot air they each exhaled in the small space that separated their faces. Finally, Castiel spoke in a low and nervous voice. He had to warn Dean. He had to make sure Dean truly understood.

"Dean…I don't know if I can ever do more than this."

"I know, Cas. That's okay." Dean's hand reached up and brushed through Castiel’s dark, messy locks. "Okay, yeah, so I like sex, but I'm not Crowley or Daphne. I'm not gonna force myself on you. I’m not gonna get my rocks off elsewhere. I love you, Cas. I loved you when we’d hardly even touched. You're it for me. Look, I like this - the kissing and the cuddling. This is  _ awesome.  _ And if you're never interested in anything more? That’s fine. I’ve hardly gotten laid since I met you and it’s no big deal. Sex is nice but it’s not the most important thing. Not for me. I'm not going anywhere."

Dean slid forward and they resumed kissing. Castiel tried to pour all the affection he felt into his kisses. Breathless, Dean pulled back to rest their foreheads together again.

"You're not broken, Cas. If you're willing to take a risk with me, I'm yours." 

Castiel smiled around the tears rolling down his face. "What did I do to deserve you?" he whispered.

"I ask myself the same question," Dean replied.

"That’s weird. You ask yourself what I, Castiel, did to deserve you, Dean?" Castiel's brows furrowed and the two of them dissolved into laughter. Dean nudged forward again till their noses touched.

"No, you dork. What did I, Dean, do to deserve such a wonderful man by the name of Castiel?"

All Castiel could manage by way of an answer was another kiss.

Kissing Dean was really, really nice.

It was some time before the two of them managed to separate and leave Dean's bedroom. They had held each other close for hours, exchanging the occasional kiss, and though they’d only just shifted from friendship to...something more...Castiel already felt more connected to Dean than he had to anyone else he’d been with. Dean still wanted to make his “welcome home” dinner for everyone, so they went to the kitchen together to cook, but they were never far apart. They worked in tandem, exchanging frequent touches to reassure themselves that the past few hours hadn’t been a dream.

It took Sam watching them for roughly thirty seconds to realize that something had changed between them. With an exasperated puff of air, he threw his hands in the air and yelled, "Finally."

**Author's Note:**

> You might have noticed this is listed as part of a series. Thats because as I struggled to find the right place to end, with my Beta giving me suggestions to cut off HERE (with a bunch of other stuff cut out) i tried to figure out how to bring closure to some of the other themes that couldn't happen till AFTER this point. i had a bunch of it written out...and realized that, crap, there's a sequel there. 
> 
> Unforth also got excited at the idea that there would be more to this, and even asked if I'd explore certain other things more in depth now that Cas and Dean are together. So yeah, sequel time! 
> 
> Thank you for reading this - I really hope you enjoyed it! Please - this is my first bang as a writer and there were a lot of things and themes that had me worried as i wrote it - let me know what you think?

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Graphics for I'm Broken](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10728726) by [lotrspnfangirlgraphics (lotrspnfangirl)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotrspnfangirl/pseuds/lotrspnfangirlgraphics)




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